August 27, 2010
High School football starts tonight with a bunch of big games, including Cary Grove at Crystal Lake Central...I remember that first high school football game of the year was always amazing...the smell of grass and popcorn and Hi-Karate...and when it would rain you'd see an ocean of umbrellas in the stands with a huge cloud of smoke coming from underneath...no tobacco involved, just a lot of making out
Forget Twitter...I'm launching Chirp...you get five words...more concise..."Frank And Kids Are Dead"
Rob Blago is in the clear...prosecutors have dropped the case aggainst him, to focus on the retrial of brother Rod, and that trial starts in Jan...Rob looks nothing like Rod...he has his father's eyes and his mother's toupee
The divorce is final, and BOOM, Tiger Woods shoots a 65, his best round of the year...and aside from the rugby scrum for Elin, I think we can safely say the Tiger Woods Sex Scandal is officially over...i can only hope that the next one involves an athelete who plays a sport with holes or pucks
I'm so paranoid with this tainted egg scare...I walk right past the egg aisle and reach for the Tainted Egg Beaters
August 26, 2010
Elgin school district U-46 is having to make do with less this school year...students are feeling the effect of having lost over one thousand teachers (25 percent of the staff) due to budget cuts...they even have Taiwneese kids to stick gum under the desks...that's another good American job gone overseas
Oh that kooky Levi Johnston...Captiol One has filed legal papers to try to get him to pay $1,178.06 they say he owes on his credit card...What's in your wallet?...a question that I'm guessing Bristol Palin did NOT ask
if you befriended us (Y103,9) on Facebook, you got an early heads up about that big Elvis video giveaway...copies of Elvis On Tour (his last film) all week...it got me to thinking how long it's been since we've seen an Elvis miracle...that weeping Elvis bust in Hollard was thirteen years ago...seriously...and they knew it was a true miracle, because the tears were actually gravy
Elin Woods has granted only one interview...to People Magazine...she says she did not club Tiger...so now she's on the market..Stew and I and every other guy listening this morning was probably looking at Elin and thinking the same thing...boy, if I wan't married....and she went blind...and was horribly disfigured somehow...boy oh boy, I'd be all over that, huh?
August 25, 2010
An amazing morning with Susan Angell Case from Baird and Warner real estate in studio as my intern for the day...Susan has been involved with our Ask the Expert program here on the website for 3 years, and now has one of the most recognized names in real estate in the Fox Valley...although some people are convinced here name is Susan Angell Cakes
As you may already know, I recently purchased a house from a "by owner" seller...never again...I had too many hassles to list here, including a misunderstanding about whether or not the sellers could live in the house rent free two weeks after the closing date...oh yeah....fun...but we worked it out and bought it for about 30 percent less than the original asking price...Susan says that buying a house is the third most stressful even in life...I'm thinking that one of the top two must be operating on a guy's bowel in a war zone
You may recall that incident where Elgin Mayor Ed Shock was out walking his dog on Plum Street back in June and two pit bulls darted off a porch and Ed and his dog had to try and hide behind a tree...well the owner was fined $2200 yesterday...the thing you're supposed to do when those dogs attack is stay still...I would have climbed that tree faster than Speedy Gonzalez
I sent my first Tweet yesterday...almost instantly I see that "Britney Lynn Spears is following you!"...yeah, she's still into me...Chad Ochocinco got fined for Tweeting during his NFL exhibition game...while we're encouraged to Tweet during our shows...NFL players could be talking to gamblers, so I can see that...but people gamble on our show too...there's an office pool for when Stew Cohen hacks up a hairball on the air
Stew had a story about a kid with an oxygen tank who was told by Special Olympics that she couldn't compete...I think Special Olympics is great...but is there a point where God's just telling you you're not supposed to be an athelete?...I think an oxygen tank might be a clue...the larger question is, what would happen if everyone felt entitled to take a shot at anything?...like what if the Constitution gave eveyone the right to date?...not score, necessarily, just date...and not Cindy Crawford...just anyone has the right to give it a shot with someone...you'd have headless people suing because they didn't get a goodnight kiss
August 24, 2010
Second day back from vacation...sort of like second day of school, which I always liked better...first day you wear the uncomfortable new clothes...second day it's back to the good ol' potato sack with a rope
A gator was spotted yesterday in the Chicago River near Belmont, which somehow reminded me of Wally Gator, the old Hannah Barbarra cartoon...suddenly we had a raging phone topic...how many of the Hannah Barbara cartoons do you remember?...funny how I've forgotten so many of them, seeing as how they raised me (Mom and Dad were busy...they had cocktails and a lawn) there was Pixie and Dixie, Touche Turttle, Lippy the Lion and Hardy Har Har...and Snagglepuss...and it made my jaw drop to see Snagglepuss now and realize just how gay he was
I was watching the Little League World Series on tv...it was the kids from Danada versus the kids from Taipai...I didn't see any American kids still in it...whenever you see American kids playing baseball, they always look like kids...and they're always playing the Cuban kids, with the pitcher who's got the five o' clock shadow, smokin' a big cigar...wife and kid
Stew's younger son had his first day of high school yesterday...he was asked to list all the Spanish words he knew and came up with 33...pretty impressive...I'm not sure 7 Layer Burrito counts...Stews older boy tried football and quit so he could work a job...he may pull a Farve though
August 23, 2010
I'm back!...after a relaxing week in (now crude oil free!) Gulf Shores AL...great real estate deals down there now...amazing...I'm looking to build a mosque two blocks from a Waffle House...that'll go over big
I always find the Deep South a delightful blend of opposites...on the one hand you have the wonderful stangers who greet you warmly and seem genuinely interested in you everywhere you go...then when you go into the workout room at the hotel the tv is on the Confederate Flag Channel, and they're doing a show called, "Is now the right time to kill your boss with a vintage weapon?"
i knew Lou was gonna leave the Cubs at the end of the season, but i was shocked to see him bail early yesterday...it was a tearful goodbye...the tears were from the toxic stench of the team
The Booze Workout?...there's a new chain of gyms that serve booze, and i see they have locations in Chicago, NYC and Miami...David Barton's Gym said they had such success serving drinks after beginner "Boot Camps" to get aquinted, they made the booze a permanent fixture...I'm not sure i like the idea of getting pulled over on the Theighmaster..."May i please see your license, registration, and glutes?"
The St. Louis Arch is getting rusty and falling apart...i told them 45 years ago an arch is a bad idea...I said go with the giant lugnut...a little WD40, it's good as new...did they listen?
August 13, 2010
Stew says that today's ozone alert is color coded orange...do you know what that means?...it means I won the ozone alert office pool!!! Boooyah!!!!!!
A guy in Cape Cod MA went to the doctor after having breathing trouble...the x-ray showed a spot...they feared the worst until they found out it was a pea that he had breathed in that had sprouted...before they sewed him back up they planted some asparagus
We got on the topic of songs that you haven't heard since way back when...you look for the record...you ask around...all you get is blank stares, even from people that own a million records..I'm talking about .the obscure, sometimes regional hit record...my own holy grail was Jerusalem by The Hello People...I You tubed it and voila...Mark called in and turned us on to a Buffalo NY group called The Free Design...their song: Kites are Fun, a nice piece of mellow psychedelia...and Vernon called in with Charity Ball by Fanny...this could be a whole new feature...let me know if you have one, and stay tuned
I'll be back live with you Mon 8/23...we're headed for a week of vacation in Gulf Shores AL, where the chicken is greasy, and now so are the fish...next week enjoy the best of the last 5 years of Shea....think of the everyday live show as a good burger...but the Best of Shea is premium, like an Angus burger...Angus without the g
August 12, 2010
Now West Dundee is looking at revising laws and making it easier for people in the village to keep and raise chickens...the other day i got an e-mail from a rooster in West Dundee who goes by the name El Pollo...evidently he hunted and pecked the keys...it was all in spanish so i didn't quite get it all, but basically he was dogging me out and calling me a punk...seems I'm his competition when it comes to waking people up in the morning...he challenged me to a semi-legal Cock-A Doodle-Doo Fight
According to a recent Nutrisystem poll half the women would rather give up sex than gain 10 pounds...I'm surprised it wasn't more....Georgiann would rather give up oxygen
We did our own informal poll and sure enough, a vast majority of our female listeners would forego the bedroom activity than gain the weight...not surprisingly, many said they had cut back drastically on the bedroom activity anyway...so giving up sex is like Billy Bob giving up dental floss
This poll made me realize more than ever that no matter what our male egos make us believe we are to our women, we are merely a resource...and should just be glad they don't eat us, like some species do...they would of course, but they don't want to gain weight
August 11, 2010
Anna Kramer from the tv show One Tree Hill got married a month ago and already she's getting a divoce...outrageous...I want my mellonballer back
Fantasia Burrino has attempted suicide with aspirin and sleeping pills in the wake of the bad publicity from an affair with a married man and a catfight with the estranged wife...I have never had a woman even get depressed over me, let alone suicide...sure it would be sad if somebody killed themself because of you, but what a sick little ego boost that would be...the only time a woman ever contemplated suicide over me was when she smelled my gym clothes
i always say there's two kinds of politicians in the Fox Valley...those who litsten to the show and admit it, and those who listen to the show and don't admit it...two loud, proud fans of the show spent the morning with me as iinterns for the day...Huntley Trustee John Piwko, and State Senator Mike Noland...we talked some taxes, but mostly music...Mike voted for the State tax holiday for back to school...I proposed a Christmas tax holiday from Thanksgiving to Christmas...Mike said, no, too costly...hey guys, I tried
John pick a story out of the Daily Herald that really hit home with me in my new house right neixt to a city park where people turn around in my driveway 117 times per day...a guy in Batavia was accused of punching somebody for turning around on his lawn...if I did that, it'd be like a Steven Segal movie...I'd need brass knuckles
August 10, 2010
Batavia is looking to loosen restrictions on rasing chickens in town for fun and profit...it seems like eveyrbody's raising chickens for egg money lately...a buddy of mine out in California knows a guy who raises chickens for Colonel Sanders, and also medical marijuana...and yes, his brain is extra crispy
Portia Di Rossi has filed a petition to officially become Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres...the couple married in 2008...the name change petition was filed last week...I guess it's always the "wife" who takes the "husband's" name...there was one guy who took his wife's name...radio guy I believe...remember Johnny Beeotch?
We talked again about Fantasia Barrino, who won American Idol in 2004...and her new boyfriend, Antwaun Cook; a very nice looking, married man, who is now separated...the ex claims Fantasia broke up their marriage and quite a cat fight ensued...I was telling Stew the only time two women fought over me it was at the nursing home, and they were cracking each other in the skull with their artificial limbs
Levi Johnson plans to run for mayor of that little Alaska town that once had Sarah Palin as mayor, and make it a reality show...does he know how to kiss legitimate babies?
If we believe the Idol insiders, the new judge lineup up of Randy, Jenifer Lopez, and Steven Tyler is pretty much a done deal...one possible snag...Steven lips and Jaylo's butt are both commited to a sitcom this fall...Kissin' Cousins
August 9, 2010
Did you see how badly Tiger Woods did at the Brigestone event over the weekend?...it was his worst 72 hole total ever...he played so early on Sunday he could have probably gone right from the strip club to the course
Football is back...I checked out some of the Hall of Fame game last night...it was Dallas versus Cincy...the Bengals are looking pretty good this year with both Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owes...that's more drama than Richard Simmons giving Orson Wells a colonoscopy
Georgiann actually squealed with delight the first time we turned on our new high efficiency washer...I can't figure out how this thing saves energy...it takes 75 min to do a load...it's all European and stuff. it doesn't agitate, it talks the dirt out of the clothes
Rolf from Aurora checked in to say he loved seeing Tony Bennett this weekend at The Venue in Hammond with the tickets he won from us...he said Tony's daughter opened the show...Tony sang for about an hour and a half, and worked some good stories in...like how Bob Hope gave him his stage name, and Charlie Chaplin called him up to thank him for doing his song, "Smile"...knowing that he was up against Lady Gaga at Lollapalooza, Tony did one number in a crotchless bustier
August 6, 2010
Elena Kagan was confimed as the 4th woman to serve on the Supreme Court...will "woman" have an asterisk until they actually check the plumbing?...or am I just being stupid?...I am?...okay I'll stop
Dave Richards, 58 year old St. Charles alderman, is due in court in September to face a public indecency charge stemming from a July incident in West Chicgo...a truck driver said Dave was exposing himself...now, not knowing any further details about the case I wondered aloud if indecent exposure could just mean an unscheduled rest room stop...and if so, shouldn't society be more forgiving?...I mean a woman can breast feed anywhere she wants and people say it's natural and beautiful/...but a gezzer takes a whiz and he's a menace...maybe the new accesory for men in this age group should be a tasteful, discreet, pee bucket...I'm just sayin
Paula Abdul will NOT be coming back to American Idol, despte the fact that everyone else is gone (except Randy) and Nigel Lithgoe (who loves her) is once again back on board as a producer...insiders say it would just be too costly to sign her because Viacom would sue if she backed out on her new dancing show on CBS...the contract runs five years...but in a Paula Abdul contract, time is expressed in cases of Vodka
Too long...we had Kevin and Keg from the Neverly Brothers in studio this morning for the first time since January 2006...they have come a long way and sound right as ever, even early in the morning...catch their Pheasant Run Resort debut tomorrow night in St. Charles...and keep your pants on
August 5, 2010
Great news for fans of legal weed in our nation's capital...if you can't afford medical marijuana in DC they'll sell it to you cheap...I'm guessing they'll sell you skank weed that wouldn't get a fly high...medical marijauna is the only prescription drug whose users complain about its potency..."this stuff can't cure no glaucoma! this stuff won't even cure my pink eye!"
So great to be in the presence of royalty...the Queen of the McHenry County Fair, Mel Walter stopped by....turns out she and intern Alex went to the same high school and he had a major crush on her...she vaguely remembered him ,which is something...Mel is not your typical beauty queen...in high school she played the Sousaphone...her coronation is a victory for band wusses everywhere...at the preliminary pageant interview Mel was asked about the nicest compliment she ever received and all she could remember was corny pick up lines..."...um, does,'nice butt' count?"
You think Jay Cutler is shaky, how would you like to have Ben Rothlisberger as your quarterback?...the Steelers will be without Ben for the first month of the season thanks to a league suspension...this , after sexual assault charges were dropped in connection with an alleged incident in a night club restroom...have you ever had a Ben Rothlis burger?...it's the burger that squeezes YOUR buns
Jillian Michaels of Biggest Loser fame is getting sued for $10 million because her special weight loss supplement can allegedly kill you...it's got all these different ingredients, one is used to de ice airplane wings, most others cause severe diarhea, gas and cramps...let's say you're taking this stuff, losing weight and feeling good about yourself...you arrange a date..."I'll be the one in the red shirt, oh and with a toxic vapor trail coming out of my butt"
August 4, 2010
I'm back...live...after the ordeal of moving...and now am a first time homeowner...rookie mistake...I was texting somebody and abbreviated the word homeowner
Now, when I go to Menards, I need everything in the whole store...I realized I need to mow the lawn every 72 hours..unless I find a mower you can set on "Brazilian Wax"
So now the Bristol Palin/Levi Johnson wedding is off...oh wait, now it's on again...and Brett Farve will be best man
Here's a deal...the Abbey Road studios piano used in the songs, Paperback Writer and Tomorrow Never Knows by the Beatles and Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd is expected to go for $230.000 at auction...pot resin scraped off the keys is expected to have a street value of $3 million however
Bobby Hebb dies at age 72 while I'm gone, and Mitch Miller dies at the age of 99...I thought he had the stuff to make 100...I never knew Nitch discovered Aretha Franklin...on the other hand, how hard was that, right? I mean it's kind of hard to hide her...Sing Along with Mitch aired from 1961-1966 on NBC....the songs started getting wrong for Mitch's style...too bad the show didn't make it to the 70s..."Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap"...c'mon let's hear ya!
July 27, 2010
President Barack Obama is headed for The View...then he plans a guest shot on All My Children...he has a big dramatic scene where Erica Kane tells him, "I'll destroy you"...and he says, "That's redundant"
Special guest intern for the day, St. Charles Mayor Don DeWitte...a great, loyal listener and avid music fan...Don grew up in the Chicago rock scene...in Junior High his neighbor was the stage door rent a cop at the old Jaguar night club on 3rd Street...he did quality time with all the hot bands of the 60s like the Cryan' Shames, Buckinghams, and even The Who, before they made it big in America...Don plays the drums...my mission is to form an all star government band to perferm on the show next time
About a year ago Don gave me the key to the city...this morning I discover they've changed the locks
There's now a 7th Mel Gibson rant tape...a couple more tracks and he's got an album...look for the Hoppin' Mad tour soon...oh and this latest tape is weird...if you play it backwards it's in Aramaeic
I am taking a few days off to embark upon the magical journey known as home ownership..i fought it as long as possible, but the deal was just too good...so, now my life is over...Im still expecting them to present me with like, 4 kids..."here sucker, your life's really over now, oh and the little girl has the croup"...enjoy the Best of Shea for the next couple days...I'll see you Wed, August 4
July 26, 2010
A group of vintage baseball enthusiasts staged an 1850s style baseball game over the weekend in Aurora...the game was different then...you could ask the pitcher for a high one or a low one...they wore no numbers on the uniforms...and steroids were smoked in a corn cob pipe
inception is a big hit...it's number one for the second week in a row, despite the release of Angelina Jolie's latest: Salt, which finished second...they're talking sequel already...it's due out fall 2011...it's called Interception, and it stars Jay Cutler
Speaking of movies, they're doing a remake of Footloose...why?...I believe that the only time you should dance is in the end zone...and since i don't plan on scoring any NFL touchdowns, I have no use for dancing...I hoping that in the remak, they'll tweak the ending...the kids get permission to have the dance...but it's a fakeout, and they break it up with fire hoses and dogs
Matt Drufke's Monday morning visit was all about Blago, and how he hasn't paid the rent for his storage space and may lose his stuff...Matt listing the items in the locker: "Hair care, hair care, hair care, hair care, 500 copies of his book, hair care, hair care, hair care, big mirror with balloon caption, "Because I'm worth it"...hair care, hair care....
July 23, 2010
The record high heat today led to a discussion of beer can chicken...you take a half full beer, put it on the chicken and throw it in the bar-b-q grill...it comes out moist and amazing...my buddy does it with a full, unopened beer, which causes quite an explosion...he calls it "Mel Gibson Chicken"
Simon Cowell is getting sued for $ 3.8 million by a lady whose singing he dismissed recently on the show, Britain's Got Talent...she was real bad, and I thought he was pretty mellow with her...he basically said with all due respect that's a great song if you're not singing it...my favorite Simon putdown is...there's 500 singers left, and your odds of winning are sitll a million to one
Had a great phone conversation with Last Comic Standing semi-finalist Amanda Melson...i asked if at the kick off ceremony they gave each comic a rubber chicken with a candle in it and snuffed it out...she said she worked as a writer on the show,"Best Week Ever", and said she followed a lot of reality tv for that job and saw the worst kick 'em off line ever on a dog grooming
reality show called "Groomer Has It" (seriously)...the line is, "you are no longer in the dog house"...wow
I never knew the name of that game with the beanbags where you try to throw it in the hole in the plywood is called "cornhole"...that is until I read about the Windy City cornhole tournament this weekend at the Sears Centre Arena in Hoffman Estates...I'm really good at that game...that must be why everyone calls me Cornhoolio...right?
July 22, 2010
So Blago says nothing yesterday at the actual trial, but holds his own court on the courthouse steps...shouldn't a day in court actually be IN court?...final arguments are scheduled for Monday...his hair will receive a separate sentence
China has its own oil disaster now....a pipline broke in the Yellow Sea...you think the press is spinning it happy here...you know what they officially call it in China?...the Much Happy Lucky Sunshine Fountain
A guy broke into an historic bar in California that had been closed for about a year and started serving drinks for four days...me Oi-rish heart swells wit proid
We got on the topic of teen idol singers who weren't teens...late bloomer birthday boy (67 today) Bobby Sherman came up..he hit when he was 26...and he got his face out there with a show called Here Come the Brides, which also starred David Soul, who hit musically at age 33...other than Tom Jones, probably the best example of a guy the teen girlies were nuts about, but who was himself a grown man
July 21, 2010
Whaaaa/...now it appears Blago will NOT testify at his own trial...his lawyers are split on whether or not he should take the stand...it's likely he'll put on suspenders, a beret, white gloves, clown makeup and lipstick and mime his testimony
So Lou is calling it quits after this season?...people don't quit as Cubs manager, they get fired as Cubs manager...why would you quit the nicest job on earth?...Lous says he wants to spend time with the grand kids...he may have to take the intensity down a notch...."Where in the World is Camen San Diego? Can one of you brats tell me that? Oh oh ohhhhh"
Had a great time htis morning with longtime listener Dorese and former Y 103.9 promotions employee Patrick as our tag team interns for the day...we had a story about a British Black couple who gave birth to a white baby...Patrick said it must be in the genes...Dorese said there was something in the jeans allright
Um...awkward....Lindsay Lohan gets sentenced to 14 days in jail yesterday, back with her old lawyer, who dumped her, before she hired Shapiro, who now is out also...so to her first lawyer she's like "I hate you I hate you what are you doin' Tuesday?"...funny, the guys Dorese dates say basically the same thing
July 20, 2010
Some people in Winnetka are not gonna take it any more...the city decided that candy thrown at the 4th of July parade was a safety risk, so they outlawed it, but these people started a position drive to get the candy back...I've been in tons of parades, and I always run alongside the vehicle and hand off the candy rather than throw it...still some parents object to sugar in general...my bright idea was hand out kosher dill pickles
A man was arrested at the Mexico City airport with 18 concealed monkeys around his waist...he had transported the monkeys from Peru...what? don't they have monkey stores in Mexico?...the man was frisked, and was heard to say "that's not a monkey"
What's new and hot?...fish tacos...yep, California Pizza Kitchen says fish tacos are one of their hottest menu items now, and Taco Bell plans to roll out a white fish taco selection...I think I know how the conversation went down at Taco Bell headquarters..." well gentlemen, this boatload of Asian Carp we just bought aIn't gonna eat themselves"
Rod Blagojevich and Mel Gibson are teaming up for a new album: "Was It Something I Said?"
July 19, 2010
Guy from Elgin sat in as intern for the day for a record shattering 12th time thi mroning
Tiger Woods finished the British Open 16 stokes off the pace...funny, but my buddy went through a messy divorce and he golfed just fine...of course golf was always a source of tension at home...he'd ask to sneak out and play golf and his wife would tell him to clean the gutters...with Tiger the wife was always nagging him to play golf, and he'd try to sneak out and clearn the gutters
Alex the intern had a great time this weekend at the Crystal lake Cardboard Cup Regatta...the interns made their own boat a tribute to those who work for no pay...the S. S. Freebie
Matt Druke came in for his usual Monday spot...we talked about how Mel Gibson's Russian model girlfriend, who had his kid, also has had a kid with Timothy Dalton...I said the Mel rants, minus the parts about fake fake boobs and infidelity and failed music career etc. could have been from my Dad to my Mom...I mean we witnessed the angry tone of that type of conversation quite a bit as kids...Matt said his Mom and Dad never fought like that, but he does scream those Mel things out in trafffic..."I hope you get r+++ed by a pack of +=+==!!!"
A Cleveland microbrewer is rolling out a beer to celebrate the LeBron James fiasco...Quitness...and of course it's got a bitter finish...weird part is it wants to leave your stomach way too soon...and it holds an hour long special to announce which urinal it's going into
July 16, 2010
The Kane County Cougars are holding Catholic Mass at the ballpark tonight before the game...i think that promotion would be a good fit for the Cubs...Lou needs to confess..."bless me Father, I have banished Zambrano to the bullpen"
Erin Andrews is suing her stalker, and suing Mariott Hotels, which, she claims, are "peeper friendly"; offering her room number and the adjacent room to the perv...I would think that request by a guest would be a red flag...gee and then when he called room service and asked for 3 fresh auger bits and a spyglass...I mean, wow
D-158 in Huntley is selling an old former farm across from the school there...the low bid to destry the farmhouse is like 59 thou...give me and my buddies a shot at destroying the place...we call it, "death by kegger"
Baskin Robbins is dumping 5 flavors: Caramel Prline Cheesecake, Campfire Sm'ores, Apple Pie A La Mode, Superfudge Truffle, and a flavor that's been around since 1945: French Vanilla...which is different from regular Vanilla...it tounges you back
July 15, 2010
Crystal Bowersox wants everybody to lay off her ex...since their May breakup he's been getting hate mail from her fans...the split was a bit messy...she had Ryan Seacrest tell him he was in the bottom 3
Maintaining your ideal weight helps your memory, according to a new study...just my luck...I married a slender woman with a great memory...I try to fatten her up...every time i come home with a bucket of Chunky Monkey whe's all like, "okay what did you do now?"
There may be a total recall of the flawed Apple I-phone 4...intern Alex told me...he knows everything about phones...he had no idea whether or not the storms caused a power outage last night because his phone is his alarm clock...I told Stew if they come up with a phone that heats up Hot Pockets, these kids are off the grid...they'll retreat to caves and conquer us
My 35 year high school class reunion is September 18...I have the reputation as the radio guy who shows up with a new hot wife every five years...by the way, has the price of escorts gone up in the last 5 years?
The Vatican once again has nixed the idea of female priests...they say it's because Jesus had no female disciples...I think women deserve a shot as priests, but female disiples would have been a bad idea...I can just see John, Paul, and Mathew at the water cooler, polishing off some figs and they're all like "did you see Ruth in that burqa and high heeled sandals?...oh man"
July 14, 2010
The New Jersey Supreme court has ruled that all drunk driving suspects have a right to have their arrests conducted in a language they understand...cops must now learn to speak drunk..."hey c'mere..touch yer....nose...hahaha (barf)"
A young lady who works for Six Flags as a Porky Pig mascot got severely beaten by two male co-workers..."son of a bada bada bada gun that hurts"
Dorese called with a brilliant take on the recent Jesse Jackson comments...in case you missed it, Jesse said Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert showed a "slave owner mentality" in his public ripping of turncoat hoop star LeBron James, who jumped ship for Miami...Dorese, who's black, has dated several white guys, and when they broke up, she said, she was never accused of jumping on the Underground Railroad and heading north to freedom...she said she just hopes the Miami Heat owner doesn't say "hey great game LeBron, but this cotton ain't gonna pick itself"
Stew was quoted in today's Tribune obit for pioneer broadcaster and friend Mal Bellaires...they say Mal had such a smooth delivery, he would be halfway into a commercial, and you didn't even know it...he was that good...I always admired those old school guys who could sip from the cup and go..."oooo that's fresh brewed coffee"...and make it sound so tasty...Mal was so good he could go, "oooo that's fresh Asian carp"...and you'd want some
July 13, 2010
BP says there'll be less toxic spew siince they've finally placed a new cap on Mel Gibson
The Roadhouse in Elgin is closing...they were in the old Prairie rock location...I'm just glad Patrick Swayze's not around to see this...great line from the movie Roadhouse "You're too stupid to have a good time"
I saw a story in the Daily Herald about how the City of Cary was cutting the salaries of school crossing guards and I was all set to lay into them for cutting the little guy while the big boys get big fat bonuses, etc...then I found out what they were paying crossing guards...are you ready?...16 bucks an hour....whaaaa?....yeah, I think you might want to cut that just a bit...I asked intern Alex why he was making minimum wage at Jewel and not making big crossing guard bucks...turns out it has nothing to do with that little restraining order a while back
Alex says there's something wrong with the new I-phones...he says if you hold them at a certain angle, you lose your call...and the prescribed remedy is...duct tape...seriously....is there anything duct tape can't do?...you know, since they cut our health benefits we no longer get the real Viagra...they just give us two popsicle sticks and a roll of duct tape
July 12, 2010
Devon James claims she had Tiger Woods' love child...Tiger now officially says no, the kid is not his, in a lawsuit...meanwhile ESPN has agreed to give Tiger an hourlong special to announce which woman he will sleep with next
Intern Alex tells us of a new "incense" that gets you high...and it is still legal in most states...it's called "K2" or "Spice"....I remember getting high on "Spice" as a kid, but it was the fumes from Dad's "Old Spice"
They have re-scheduled America's Cardboard Cup Regatta for this Sat...the 17th at Crystal Lake Beach...you may recall it got postponed in June due to dangerous e-coli levels...they rejected my idea of having it anyway, and calling it "Bacteriapalooza"
Stew got an exclusive this morning...and a sad one...Mal Bellairs has died...he was living in Woodstock...the longtime Chicago broadcaster at WBBM was the man who brought radio to the Fox Valley...first with the AM Station that eventually became WAIT, then the FM station that eventually became our sister station, Star 105.5
July 9, 2010
So LeBron dissed the Bulls and signed with Miami...that's bad enough, but that hourlong ESPN "announcement show" was worse...Nike has a new LeBron slogan..."choke on it, weasel"
Lindsay Lohan's lawyer has walked out on her...it gets worse...the ankle bracelet wants to see other people
93 year old Sonny Frazese dozed off several times as his turncoat son testified against him in his racketeering trial...if convicted he faces 20 years in prison...why not just say life?...I mean is he really gonna get out at age 113 and go whoo hoo!?...the judge will sometimes offer options in cases like this...one would be the electric chair...the other would be life in prison with no parole and no Wheel of Fortune...they usually pick the chair
Mick Jagger is a soccer jinx...first he sat with Bill Clinton rooting for the U.S. to beat Ghana...did not happen...then he wshowed up to see his beloved English team lose to Germany...then, along with the 11 year old son he had with a Brazilian supermodel, he watched Brzil lose to Holland...he was feeling pretty bad about it, and almost jumped off the bridge like Jimmy Stewart, but Clarence the soccer angel came down and said "Mick don't you see,you've had a wonderful life! No man is a failure who's had a son with a Brazilian supermodel"
July 8, 2010
Well, the soccer predicting octopus strikes again, correctly predicting Spain's World Cup semi final win over Germany...when asked whether or not LeBron would sign with the Bulls the Octopus said, "he totally went in the tank in Game 5 versus the Celtics, so who really gives a crap? Besides, I'm a mullusk...what do you want from me?"
The Bulls LeBron chances?...not good, since they just signed power forward Carlos Boozer...i feared the worst when i saw today's headline, "Bulls sign Boozer"...I was like noooo, they DID NOT just sign Lindsay Lohan...she's got no jumper!
You know it's summer...every website I hit while I'm trying to prepare stuff for the radio show has like, the 29 Best Beach Bods...29 clicks later, I wind up with nothin'...we even did an on air bit about the Quick Hits column in the Sun Times...you know, back in the sports section...they use any excuse to publish a pic of a hot woman...today they have one of those Victoria's Secret models with the angel wings...that must be how it is in heaven...if you're a woman and you die hot and young, St. Peter is like, "here's your wings...oh and here's your bustier"
You can now buy a lady a drink through Facebook, sending a drink voucher right over the phone...this might take some of the face to face stress out of buying a lady a drink....but it removes some of the magic as well...I proposed to my lovely wife with an engagement ring at the bottom of a premium cocktail...I'll never forget that look on her face as she gazed down into that Pabst Blue Ribbon and spotted that Cubic Zirconia
July 7, 2010
Ringo is 70 today...we played a couple tasty trax from the "live at the BBC" 2 disc set to celebrate:Matchbox and I Wanna Be Your Man...see if a 70 year old guy can still rock Sat 7/24 as Ringo invades the Venue/Horseshoe Casino/Hammond with his All Star Band
Before the Netherlands/Uruguay world cup game yesterday I got lost in the very interesting lyrics of the national anthems of both countries....Netherlands "...I will be true to the land of Heineken,and stinky cheeese and legal doooooope and pros ti tuuuuuu tion...amen" ...Uruguay "we are not Paraguay, we are not Paraguay, that's okaaaaaay, honest mistaaaake, we get that a lot"
Christine Streets from Shaumburg went from near death from organ failure two years ago to Mrs. iowa America, and is bound for the Oprah show...those married lady pageants are a bit different from the Miss pageants...in this one you had the Marital Relations Avoidance competition...you come up with your best bedroom excuse, but in high heels and a nightgown
Did you hear about the big sumo wrestler scandal over in Japan?...one of the stars of Sumo has admitted to betting on baseball games...it gets worse...he's accused of corking his diaper
July 6, 2010
That hot dog eating machine, Kobiashi, had quite a weekend...he was arrested for trying to crash the annual Nathan's 4th of July hot dog eating contest...he had been unable to come to terms that would allow him to compete legally, and when he showed up on stage the fans were shouting to officals to let him eat, but no, he was hauled away...Nick DiPaolo had a good one onstage over the weekend at the Clearwater Theater..."they say hot dogs cause cancer...big shocker there huh?...pig snouts and donkey lips cause cancer?...if that's true that Kobiashi guy whould be a walking tumor"
Wonder Woman is changing her outfit...no more satin...no more skin...no more boots....now we get black slacks and a red top with sensible shoes...I think Mr. Wonder Woman must have been jumping on her the minute she walked in the door after a hard day of crime fighting....I'm the same way with Georgiann...she comes home from work looking so fine...I'm not allowed to touch her until she's in fuzzy bunny slippers with a towel on the head, big floppy sweatshirt and she's got so much avocado lotion on it looks like she went face down in a bowl of guacamole
Dave Chappelle refused to buckle his seat belt on a flight from NYC to Ohio over the weekend...also he entered the cockpit several times and grabbed the pilot's arm...his people claim it was something he ate...must've been peyote
Jessica Simpson has a new tight end...no it's not a Jenny Craig story...she's dating San Fransisco 49ers tight end Eric Johnson...her stock has gone down in recent years...she went from Daisy Duke to Marmaduke
July 2, 2010
A kid on the SW side of Chicago was blowing off some pretty serious fireworks out of a tube...one didn't go off, so he stuck his head down there, and boom...facial injuries, yes, and possible prosecution...that seems harsh to me...the judge may sentence him to a boulder on the head from the Road Runner
Sports is becoming so sissy...I mean you watch ESPN, and it's not about ballgames...it's all about which player is going where, and who did he talk to, and I heard this, and OMG, no he didn't!...it's gossipy high school stuff and I hate it...take LeBron, please...the Bulls will be talking to Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade first, then LeBron...I say fine...everybody's after this guy...i mean even Croatia was after him, but all they could offer him was livestock
Nick Dipaolo joined me in studio this morning...you know Nick from Letterman, The Sopranos, and the Comedy Central roasts...I'll be on stage tonight and Saturday along with Nick and Matt Drufke at the Clearwater Theater in West Dundee...reserve your tix now...(847) 836-8820...Nick is a guy's guy, and a real joke machine...his funniest stuff is about getting old...he says comedy when he was single was all about meeting chicks after the show...he'd run out and buy wine, candles and condoms...now that he's married, after the show he runs out for hair dye, baby wipes and tic tacs...then he sits in a hot tub with nice black hair, a clean butt, minty fresh breath and nobody to share it with
Nick also has a nice tv appearance coming up...he's going to be on the new FX show, Louie, starring Louie CK (who you may know from NBC's Parks and Recreation)...check it out Tuesday night at 10p on FX..and have yourself a great Independence Day weekend
July 1, 2010
Several local municipalities have adopted zero tolerance policies toward fireworks...leave the fireworks displays, they say, to proper authorities and elected officials....in America we likewise have a zero tolerance policy toward stealing...we leave stealing to proper authorities and elected officials...God Bless America!
I noticed that the Elgin 4th of July Parade is July 3rd and the Crystal Lake 4th ofJuly Parade is July 5th...we creep closer and closer to no actual 4th of July obsevance on the actual 4th of July whatsoever...oh I could go off on how when we were kids it was the 4th of July, period, but what's the point?...you try to tell kids about history...you tell them LBJ signed the Civil Rights Bill and they say, "wow, that LeBron James is one busy guy"
Alex the Intern had his first on site reporter assignment today...West Dundee won the coveted (and just created) honor of Best Block in America...so Good Morning America did a good bit of their show from West Dundee this morning...Alex was right there, reporting on the hundreds of people there...out of the crowd he picked some teenage models in prom dresses...I was so proud..."you'll be a broadcaster some day, son" I said...I warned these ladies not to get into Alex's VW van....he has it set so that the minute you climb in, prom dresses fly right off
Word is that cash strapped CNN has no money for an actual live, human replacement for Larry King...they plan to hang a pair of suspenders on a cockatoo
June 30, 2010
It is now official...Larry King will be leaving his nightly CNN show in the fall...he's already started looking for a younger, blonder show
Ousted Afghanistan Commander Stanley McCrystal get to keep his 4 star general status...this is huge...the bennies are just nuts...like, free pie for life at the Cracker Barrell...he looks good with those shiny stars on his shoulder, but he still looks less military than Michael Jackson
Most residents would pay $1.50 every day for a faster way across the Fox River...that's the toll being kicked around by the Kane County Board as they plan the Longmeadow Parkway, which would stretch from Huntley Road East to Route 62....I say go covered bridge with plumbing, charge 7 bucks and make it a car wash
Had a great little phone interview with the guy who sang Chick a Boom, Daddy Dewdrop...I went maury Povich on him...I made him take a DNA test to prove he was the Daddy of that song...."Oh nooo he did n't!!!"
June 29, 2010
The new Illinois state law against bullying in schools to me seems cynical and almost laughable...is a SWAT team going to show up and stop the spitwads from flying?...no...all I'm guessing it really means is that if a kid is being bullied, the shool has a responsibility to stop it, and if they don't, they can be sued...which represents just another revenue hole, draining the lifeblood from already strapped school systems...wouldn't be surprised if it soon meant higher taxes and fees...really, bullies are no good when you're in school, but later in life they're a valuable resourse...bullies mow our lawns and change our oil
Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray took a stripper back to Michael's place the night he died, accordijng to this as yet un named lady..."hey baby, wanna see Michael Jackson while he's sleeping?'...great pick up line...of course Michael would sleep right through a stripper visit...any of my buddies could be in a coma and they'd be on their feet the minute a stipper walked in the room...when it comes to women, Michael's bedroom is always Neverland
Intern Alex is now officially Tropical Storm Alex...and if he thinks that nickname will get him any chicks, he's headed for a Tropical Depression
We tell Alex we didn't have texting when we were kids...when we were kids, Tivo was one of Michael jackson's brothers
June 28, 2010
Dick Clark was saluted last night at the Daytime Emmy Awards...Seacrest was the mc...nice pre-recorded tributes from Cher, Manilow, Simon Cowell...at the end of the tribute, Dick was so moved he just started sobbing...it was almost painful...like the time intern Alex sobbed when Stew ate the last Twinkie
Do you buy the Horse Boy?...an almost convincing pic of a boy with a horse's head, which was taken from Google Earth in Scotland...I think it's a fake...I have seen Lobster Boy though...he was the real deal...I believe he's dead now, and as I recall, they cracked him open and ate him with drawn butter
Save the date...November 17...the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus opens up it's United Center run...this year's theme is "Rod Blagojovich Trial"
West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd has died at age 92...this means he only gets to serve in the Senate for four more years...they just now got Strom Thurmond out of there
June 25, 2010
Ed the Cop from Elgin checked in this morning...had not heard from Ed since the Hawks won the Stanley Cup...he suggested putting Blackhawks in Cubby yooneys and trotting 'em out there against the Sox today...might just work
Big weekend in town...The Taste of Chicago kicks off...also that thing with the Cubs and Sox at the Cell...what do they call that?...oh yeah, The Taste of Mediocrity
Having lived in Pennsylvania, i can tell you i have never seen a more restrictive state when it comes to alcohol...there's no beer soldin gas stations or convenience stores...only at state liquor and beverage stores and restaurants...now they're going to try selling wine only in selected supermarkets, but you have to take a breath test before you can even buy it...whaaa?...testing for drunkness before you buy?...that's a sliperry slope...it could kill the tatoo industry
Another Bachelor breakup?...yep...if you're keeping score at home, of the 14 Bachelor and Bachelorettes, only two got married and only four are still with the person they hooked up with on the show...I never understood that show...so you're a guy looking for true and lasting love, right?...well first slap on a tux, get a bouquet of roses, then throw together a bachelor party with 12 strippers, and take them on dream dates to Make Out Point three at a time...that's amore
June 24, 2010
Edith Shain has died at age 91...she was the nurse who got smooched in the middle of the street in that famous Life Magazine photo...they never did identify the WWII sailor in the pic...at least 10 guys have come forward, but with no conclusive identification....I think this is a job for Maury Povich
Robert Pattinson, the one who plays the Vampire in those Twilight movies (there's another one due out this week) is, according to ancestry.com, related to Dracula...whaaa?...oh and MacGruber is related to Gigli
The Mutha of all celeb divorces...that's what Tiger's may turn out to be...$750 mil is being asked...the house alone is worth $80 mil...if all Elin gets is the house, this settlement would still be in the all time top 5...they are #5 K. Costner $80 mil, #4 H. Ford $86 mil, #3 S. Spielberg $100 mil, #2 N. Diamond $150 mil, #1 M. Jordan more than #150 mil...I wonder is Tiger and Elin will sit down with a box of CDs..."Kenny G. ewww that's you...lessee here, oh kenny Loggins, come to papa"
I had a senior moment on the air this morning...I couldn't remember Shelly Fabares' big hit...it was "Johnny Angel"...Bill from Huntley e-mailed me a good one that truly nails it...he said there's twice as much money being spent on Viagra and breast enhancement than is spent to Alzheimer's research...we're creating a future generation of 80 year olds who have these gorgeous, sexy body parts, who can't remember what to do with them
June 23, 2010
A 5th grade teacher in the Chicago Public School system is accused of making cell phone videos of boys changing clothes in the bathouse at Six Flags...my buddy Matt Drufke hit it right on the head when he was talking about how Six Flags is supposedly family friendly fun, yet their mascot; that creepy looking dancing bald guy, is someone you wouldn't let your kids go near...you expect to see this guy driving a van marked with a bloody ax...Six Flags! Less Pants! More Fun!
A guy allegedly broke into the Bull Valley Police Department and started answering incoming calls...the Police HQ there is inside the historic Stickney House, a traditional point of interest for fans of spiritualism...I think the spirit of Captain Morgan might have been a factor
Dr. Tony Ebel from Primetime Wellness Chiropractic Clinic was my intern for the day...he's got a great event coming up on Saturday...it's called Kicks for Kids, a fun youth soccer benefit for Options and Advocacy, who help kids with Cerebral Palsey and other disorders...Drl Tony says he can hook me up with a vuvuzela, which i'll need for my upcoming comedy show...i said it's gotta be a big one to make the joke I had in mind work...of course if it's a really small vuvuzela, that's it's own joke
A collector who bought the contents of a warehouse from the Jackson family claims to have uncovered the master tapes to 243 never before released songs...one of the titles struck me as odd, "Dr. Conrad Murray Was Drinking in a Strip Cub Before He Killed My Son"
June 22, 2010
The Morning Drive show is going green...today's show featured %100 re-cycled humor!
Good Morning America is doing a live shot from West Dundee on July 1...intern Alex will accept the mission of getting our Boogie Bus on national tv...we got it on the local Channel 5 news at the Lee DeWyse party...this is, of course assuming alex is cleared to drive the vehicles...when asked if he's ever committed a felony he says, 'not yet"
There was a story about France suing Google over privacy issues and Alex said the reason France is mad at Google is when you type in French War Victories it says," Did You Mean Frecnh War Defeats?"....funny...did you write that joke, I aked...he said it's no joke...it's true!...I googled it and sho nuff...wow...hilarious
Michael Jackson's kids are headed for a private school this fall, after having been home schooled until now...i hope the bullies don't carve up Blanket..."Hey Mom, they turned Blanket into a Snuggie"
June, 21, 2010
Newlywed mid day delight Marcie is filling in for Stew this week...I wasn't sure if she was keeping her airname or taking her husband's airname...she's going with Marci Maclaine...good call...I spent my life looking for a woman with the last name Saint James
Lady Gaga goes to the ballpark and leaves her pants at home?...how does that happen?...she somehow got into the Yankee clubhouse wearing not much more than a Yankee jersey...I heard Barbara Walters interview Lady Gaga, and I heard something about how she's all about celibacy...so you've got a woman who dresses sexy as can be and is strictly off limits...hmmm and she is different from other women how exactly?
Intern Alex says the remake of Karate Kid is not as good as the original...I used to be known as the Kung Pao Chicken kid...before a match i would dip my nunchucks in Kung Pao Chicken...i know that's a little personal
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual...he had a great Fathers Day...his six year old son made him a homemade birthday card...which proves one thing...his son is CHEAP
Join us for a great night of comedy July 2-3...two shows each night...Clearwater Theater in West Dundee...I'll be hosting...Matt is your featured act...and your headliner is Nick DiPaolo, from Letterman, Comedy Central roasts, and The Sopranos...call for tix, (847) 836-8820 or clearwatertheater.com
June 18, 2010
Bobby Fisher, Chess Hottie?...they are going to dig up the remains of chess legend Bobby Fisher to see if he is the father of a 9 year old girl...usually the paternity trail points away from the chess geek...in fact, back in high school my sister dated the captain of the chess team...my parents loved him...it took him all night to make a move
They have banned the Vuvuzela at the NBA Finals...also at the Blago trial...this, after Blago started blowing on one in the middle of testmony
Lindsay Lohan's pee showed no trace of alcohol after her ankle alarm went off...rumors persist that some personal assistant is providing her with a clean sample...could I get that job?...I can pee any time, any place, any ammount...I can be stuck in the middle of the Mojave desert, parched, buzzards pecking out my eyes...give me a dixie cup of water and i will pee you a jug...the only place i cannot pee is at the Cubs game, with 8 guys standing around, all with the same performance anxiety...you hears guys, talking, coaxing, "Come on my beauty, give Daddy a little bit of that golden sunshine"
Those South African soccer horns are everywhere...I stumbled on to a South African soap opera calle Vuvuzela...the women are beautiful and the men are horn dogs
June 17, 2010
More Tiger drama...one of his alleged gal pals, Devon James, now claims to be the mother of his 9 year old love child...I suppose they could do a DNA test here...but back in the old days you had to look for the usual clues...in this case I'd wonder if, when she took the baby home from the hospital, he was raving about all the "good looking diaper in the place" he'd "like to nail"
Well this is not good...turns out female Viagra not only doesn't work, it actually kills the mood...kills the mood?...hey, now you're working my side of the street...I can turn Bombshell McGee into Mother Theresa
Congrats to newsman Stew Cohen on winning two Silver Domes last night at the Illinois Broadcasters Association awards last night in Normal...like the Stanley Cup, many people will want to sleep with this award, starting with Stew...but he got back so late last night, quality time between the sheets will have to wait until this afternoon...Good job Stew!
Callista Flockheart has finally married Harrison Ford...they dated how long, 11 years?...I have to look upon this as the first step in an inexorable process, culminating with her dumping that loser...actually, you can't call him a loser...what if they roasted him..."oh you and your movies and money and um..."...and then they'd just start throwing food at him...in many ways, she's close to my feminine ideal...but now that she's married, watch, she'll let herself go and baloon to 79 pounds
June 16, 2010
One alleged Tiger Woods mistress, Jocylyn James, is accusing another alleged Tiger Woods mistress, Devon James (no relation) of going through her purse and swiping $750 worth of stuff...and get this...she says it happened while filming a Tiger mistress themed porno movie...I urge you to support Jocyln's Law...every hoe bag shooting a Tiger mistress themed porno movie has the right to a safe purse
Randy Jackson went to the hospital yesterday with chest pains...through the magic of modern medicine we were able to look up his EKG online and hear his heartbeat...it sounded fine to me, but the Doctor said it was a little pitchy
The 60 foot Jesus statue next to the Interstate just north of Cincinnati got hit by lightening and burned to the ground...official spokesmen for Heaven are saying it's strictly a family matter...I'd have to side with God the Father on this one...I mean the kid is what, 33...AND HE WON'T MOVE OUT
The Star reports Al Gore had a two year affair with Larry David's wife...if you like your irony saucy, and hey, who doesn't...it should be noted that she co-produced Al's film, An Inconvenient Truth...mmmm saucy
June 15, 2010
The White House is for sale?...somebody goofed and posted an example listing on a site called Redfin...they have all the new hot real estate listings in the DC area...they list 1600 Pennsylvania Ave at 155,000 square feet, asking price: $10 mil...a deal!..I bet BP would jump on that
The BBC is considering eliminating the constant horn noise from the World Cup broadcasts...those long plastic horns, by the way, are called Vuvuzelas... in Swiss that means, RIIIIIIICOOLLLAAAAAAA!!!
The Blackhawks were on the Tonight Show last night with Jay...they were in the audience, all together, as a team, with Kane and Toews doing cameo speaking parts with their olympic medals...and of course The Cup was there...security seems a little lax on that cup doesn't it?...I mean what's to stop two guys with ski masks and automatic weapons, you know?...I guess it doesn't have much resale value though right?...it's not like you can just sell it at your buddy's baseball card shop
For a president facing the worst environmental crisis of our lifetime, President Obama is pretty dogone chipper, doncha think?...he says the Gulf will be not only good as new, but better than it was before....huh?...hey if I wanna improve something the first thing I do is dump gillions of gallons of sludge in it... sure...I think he's losing it... this is the bad used car salesman routine...mmmm love that New Gulf Smell
June 14, 2010
Larry King could be on his way out at CNN...Piers Morgan is being mentioned as a possible replacment...the firing would include a military style ceremony wherein they rip the suspenders right off of Larry, like Chuck Connors in Branded (youtube it)
Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, is dead at age 81...and yes, he will be dipped in red eye gravy and served at the wake
We all know the protective Cup in Hockey is huge...but have you seen Lord Stanely's Cup?...wow, talk about a protective guy
Last week we teased at the possibility of Me and Matt Drufke back on the comedy stage together...and today we delivered...this is huge...Friday and Saturday, July 2 and 3..two shows each night...join us for a great night of comedy...I'll be your host...Matt will be your featured act and Nick DiPaolo will be your headliner....Nick has been all over tv...you may have seen him onThe Sopranos...he's a regular on the Comedy Central roasts...reserve your tickets now at clearwatertheater.com or call (847) 836-8820...or just call me
June 11, 2010
The Blackhawks have done the impossible...made the Crosstown Classic irrelevant...well, they along with some really awful play by the Cubs and Sox that is...oh and here's the perfect finishing touch...it's brought to you by BP...seriously...BP meanwhile contnues to assure the public that scientists are working around the clock to sop up Ozzie Guillen's hair gel
Abby Southerland, the 16 year old girl who was making a solo attempt at sailing around the world has been found alive somewhere in the Indian Ocean...the best part is, she didn't blow her curfew, which is October...although she moaned about it..."all the other kid's curfew is December! I HATE YOU"
The Wold Cup kicks off for the US tomorrow versus England...I think when most Americans see soccer on tv they're like..."wait, I know what that is, that's that thing I've been driving my kids to for years...I hate that thing"
Ebert gives the new karate Kid movie a solid three and a half stars...he says it fleshes out the original a bit, but stays true...why mess with success right?...there were a lot of kooky suggestions before they went into production with this one...one starred Lindsay Lohan as The Tiddley Winks Kid"...believe me, there were plenty of winks...also plenty of tiddleys
June 10, 2010
Wow...so this is what this feels like...a championship...and watching tv we couldn't even tell the puck went in...it was one of those weird, wonderful moments as it began to sink in...the Blackhawks were Stanley Cup champions for the first time since 1961...in Philly you usually don't know it's over 'til the fans start throwng biomedical waste on the ice
Number One fan Ed the cop from Elgin stayed up basically all night...he even went to the airport and made it through all the security checkpoints to greet the Hawks...and went in to work this morning...riding the supernatural high
They're closing down the Disney owned ESPN Zone downtown, as well as several other locations around the country...that was THE place to go like, 10 years ago...I knew they were in trouble when i saw Mickey Mouse saying brother can you spare a dime for a cup of Gatorade
There are limits...you know?...okay...Gary Coleman...he's an easy target...but there are limits...a few days ago TMZ reported that the kooky, broke ex-wife had been shopping some pics of Gary either dead or dying in the hospital, and TMZ was not buying...good for them...The Globe bought 'em and they're awful...the kooky ex-wife is smirking, holding his hand, like they're on vacation or something...please...I told Georgiann when my time comes, do the right thing...prop me up beside the jukebox with a beer in my hand
An engaged couple was rounding up their baby pictures for the wedding montage and they realized that they were in each other's Disneyland pictures when they were little kids, more than 20 years before they met...wow...makes you re re-think these dating sites...I say scour Disneyland for your soulmate...Georgiann often says her soulmate is Dumbo
June 9, 2010
We are sitting at the amazing cusp of the Stanley Cup...maybe, it's my Cleveland roots, but I don't quite know how to act...the Cleveland reflex is waiting for them to blow it somehow, and then plan a loser parade just for having come in a close second...this, i'm told is not the Chicago way...parades are for winners only...I'm telling you though, if a Cleveland team even comes this close, they have cart blanche to rape our daughters and sell us used cars for 20 years
An Alliance OH woman called 911 five times in one hour complaining that she needed a husband...I would tell her to just yell at the cat
Lindsay Lohan had herself a $100,000 cocktail when her ankle braclet alcohol monitor went off Sunday night..the judge ordered new bail at $200,000, which some flunkie paid for her, forfeiting the original $100,000 bail...that was bad enough, but putting a tiny tap on the braclet with a hose leading to a keg in her carry on?....that was over the top
Jaques Cousteau's widow plans to raise the old Calypso in honor of what would have been his 100th birthday...she tried to raise the old Calypso while he was still alive, but they hadn't invented Viagra yet
I'm going to audition for Jersey Shore...it's a perfect role for me...the cranky Dad of The Situation...The Constipation
Horrible news story of the day...the British Sun tabloid reports that the Taliban is putting HIV infected needles in bombs to try and infect British soldiers...and if that wasn't bad enough, they have a stealth version that appears to be a guy named Bruce who asks you to dance and buys you a Mimosa....darn sexy bomb
June 8, 2010
Are you ready for the new Twilight movie: Eclipse? if I want to see sexy bloodsuckers I'll turn on MSNBC and watch the BP PR people
Charlie Sheen's plea deal fell through...he gets 30 days in jail and as publice service he has to teach acting...he needs someone to teach HIM acting
An Algonquin woman was found guilty of hiring someone to kill her husband...she paid a homeless guy she met in a shelter to do the job...why wouldn't you get someone involved in organized crime?...so the plot blows up and she winds up in jail, and she tries to hire the husband of her cell mate to kill the hapless, homeless hitman...and that plot fails...did you ever have one of those days when nobody seems to be able to whack anybody?
Scientists have studied an ancient burial site in Northern England for 7 years and concluded that the bones there are those of Roman gladiators...they also found Russell Crowe's career
June 7, 2010
Good news....Westminister Christian Academy in Elgin won the state 1A baseball championship...Bad news...I think they can beat the Cubs
There's a plan to auction some historical papers that officially certify Mary Lincoln as insane...one possible buyer is Jon Gosselin, who plans to take an eraser to them and write in his ex-wife's name
The MTV movie awards show, once the cutting edge of cool, may be showing its age...for the OMG, water cooler moment they went (yet again) with a girl on girl kiss...this time an awkward, 5 second Sandra Bullock/Scarlett Johanson smooch...ho hum...now if this were to happen on say, the TV Land Awards and it was say, Sally Field and Barbara Feldon, now that would be remakable, and pretty hot...but with our luck we'd probably get Betty White and Barbara Billingsley
Do killer whales have feelings?...that male killer whale who killed the female trainer last year had another tragedy...his "wife", a 20 year old female, died while giving birth to his stillborn calf...he showed no outward emotion...this is one cold blooded killer whale...one of his wives was found dead in a bathtub and another wife just vanished in the woods
June 4, 2010
The folks at the Shedd Aquarium have offered to go down to the Gulf and scrub the crude oil off of the little critters...meanwhile President Obama has scrapped his indonisian trip in favor of a visit to the Gulf...he says he's furious over the oil spilll...so I guess it's a family beach vacation where Dad stands on the shore and shakes his fist..."damn you, oil!"...the Shedd Aquarium people have also offered at no extra charge to hose down Sasha and Malia
What's going on with all this pitching dominance in baseball lately?...in 140 years there have been 20 perfect games and 2 of them have come in the last month...and if not for a bad call there would have been another one on Wednesday...but perfect games aside, we're seeing some amazing starters...like the Colorado Rockies' Ubaldo Jimenez, who is 10-1 already...this is the greatest accomplishment by a guy named Ubaldo since Ubaldo Cabaza founded the Dominican Hair Club For Men
A retired Navy Veteran, Robert Bell, just had the wallet he lost 69 years ago in Chicago returned to him...I'm imagining what i would do if I got my lost wallet back 69 years later..."hmmm let's see here, Guitar Lessons (shrug) better keep this....so what if the phone number only has 5 digits"
President Obama may use executive privilege to supress sensitive documents about Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan...if the documents say that she's actually comedian Kevin James in earings and pearls, that cat is already out of the bag
June 3, 2010
Instant replay in hockey?...whaaa?...the crucial play in the Hawks Game 3 loss last night was a review of a no goal call that turned into a goal call for Philly...such baloney...it makes you suspicious that the league and network powers that be are looking at all time record tv ratings and they just want to extend the series...but no matter...Hawks in 5...and Ed the Cop from Elgin gets to see the Cup hoisted live and in person on Sunday
Had a great time this morning with special in studio guest Dave Perrin from The Lennys...this is the band that was kind enough to let me sit in on keyboards last summer...Dave (a cancer survivor) and the boys will be playing two sets in the course of the all night festivities at tomorrow night's American Cancer Society Relay For Life in Huntley
Dave was pointing out the amazing number of people in music who have either survived or succumbed to cancer...Carl Wilson, George Harrison, Peter Criss, Jr. Walker, David Ruffin, Neil Bogart, Mick Ronson, two members of The Knack and two members of The Ramones....Dave was saying fundraising was a little off this year because he looks healthier than he did last year...I said he'd have no money troubles if he only looked as bad this week as Stew's voice sounded last week
Paul McCartney received the Library of Congress George Gershwin award for popular song last night at the White House and charmed the President and First Lady by singing Michelle...the only song they wouldn't let him sing was Black Water
June 2, 2010
Chalie Sheen is going to jail...it's a plea deal stemming from his Chistmas morning attack on his now estranged wife...the Aspen lockup looks real cushy...they're even putting him in a cell with a sad sack divorced guy and a dopey kid
James Cameron had talks with the EPA yesterday...he actually thinks he can plug the Gulf oil leak...his business partner designed the submarines used to shoot Titanic...he may get to talk to the White House if they can pound out a few creative differences...right now they don't like the ending....Rahm Emanuel clinging to a piece of driftwood, crying, "I'll never let go Barrack, I'll never let go"
We're re-thinking this Alabama Gulf vacation...the new idea is Mexico...she wants to fly....I want to sneak in behind a moving cactus...so we went shopping for moving cacti yesterday...she wants Arizona cacti, but I'm boycotting Arizona cacti...there, now i've ticked everybody off
Shocker...Al and Tipper Gore split after 40 years of marriage...whaaaa?...see generally, when a couple splits, one of the two thinks they have a shot at something better...or something else...I don't think they do...I think you have two totally repressed people who were made for each other...I mean for their bridal registry asked for his and hers sticks up the butt, I mean c'mon
And how about that Al and Tipper kiss at the DNC...it reminded me of Michael and Lisa Marie...ewwww...they wanted everybody to say ooo they got some passion eh?...hey you two, get an energy efficient, eco-friendly room!
June 1, 2010
congrats to kenyan RIchard Kanbie, who won $5,000 for having run a minus 4 minute mile at the St. Charles Main Street Mile yesterday...I'm at the point where I can run at a 4 minute mile pace, but not for very long...and there has to be a corn dog dangling in front of my face
MacGruber is the first big box office bomb of the summer, but still not in the all time Top 5 summer bombs...those would be 5 Superman Returns 4. Wateworld (bumped Kevin Costner from A to C- list) 3, Love Guru (bumped Mike Myers from (B to D- list) 2. Terminator 3 (bumped Arnold from action film star to Governor) and the film that Ben Afleck never recovered from 1. Gigli...it was so bad Blockbuster paid YOU late fees to keep it an extra day...it was so bad that if it was the in flight movie, each seat came with a parachute
Did you see that video of the Indonesian 2 year old smoling a cigarette...he's 44 pounds, more than twice the average size of a kid his age...by age 7 he'll be manager of a strip club
Of all the possible American Idol Simon replacement strategies being discussed, I'd have to say i like mine best, and it's also cheaper...give Seacrest Simon's precious chair...but take Ellen off the panel and make her the host...her humor and timing will help the momentum of the show and make it more watchable...either that or fire everybody and replace them with drunk hockey players
May 28, 2010
Ed the Cop from Elgin first predicted a Hawks 4 game sweep over Philly, then a 3 game sweep, now he's going with a 2 1/2 game sweep...he says they call the series halfway through game 3 after Niemi scores an open net goal
The book of war says you should always try to confuse your enemy...so instead of turning the Flyers into Philly cream cheese, let's turn them into Swiss...or maybe a nice Muenster...or Limboygah nyuk nyuk nyuk
The House has voted to repeal the military "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy...the new policy will be Truth or Dare and it involves a slumber party with your recruiter
Crystal Lake is now charging one dollar just to go to the beach...it's free for kids under 5 and adults over 60...and if you're over 90 they pay you a buck to stay home
We were talking about how there are a lot of 20 year old women named Ashley now...what's up with that?...i mean which Ashley were they being named after?...20 years from now i'll bet there'll be a lot of 20 year old women named Lindsay because the parents are drunk now
May 27, 2010
They got me...they sucked me in to the idea that Lee DeWyse was being crowned American Idol one week early...then they sucked me into thinking Bowersox had a chance...then they got me when they crowned Lee last night...this is why i say I have a true relationship with the show...because they have more power to tease, torment and manipulate than anyone i've ever been in a relationship with
Loved the usual parade of stars...loved that moment when the kids start singing a familiar song and then you're like Ow Wow! there's Alice Cooper joining in...and the stars just kept getting bigger and bigger...I was expecting the kids to launch into The Cheater and then hear Ryan say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Tiger Woods...Jesse James...and the Governor of South Carolina"
Did you ever see a bird making a nest?...I mean sure, you've seen them with the building materials in their beaks...but do you ever see them actually building the nest?...I never do...I can't imagine how they do it...here I am Mister Top of the Food Chain with the big brain and two opposable thumbs and I can't even make anything out of popsicle sticks...so i went out to the Crystal Lake birdfeeder and asked one of the birds exactly how they make a nest, and he said they don't, they farm it out to India now
Art Linkletter died peacefully, at home yesterday at age 97...I loved House Party because there were a lot of shows that had screaming audiences full of kids, but Art put the spotlight on kids and treated them as equals...and I think kids trusted him...that's why he was able to get those great "Darnest Things" responses...he was also hip to the fact that a kid could say something an adult couldn't quite get away with...like when he asked the 6 year old girl what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said moviestar, then proceeded to tell him every detail of a movie star day, ending with "going to sleep with a movie star"...priceless, Art... well done
May 26, 2010
Fun morning...Sue McDowell drove up from St. Charles to plug their12th Annual Fine Art Show this weekend...and we had a fun show, despite the fact that Sue was constantly texting with her unemployed friend who works in human resources...I remember when that used to be called personel, until some jackass who flies in once a year flew in and changed it...so if you have a job in human resources, let me know, and i'll hook you up, because I'm told Sue's friend is a great human asset..ooops, that's how i got in trouble on Monday, talking about human assets
We got to talking about how you judge a fine art show...they do judge in various categories, and sometimes there is some discussion between the judge and the artist...they plan to ask Simon Cowell to guest judge one of these years...."you think you're Jackson Pollack? More like Jackson Bollocks"
Old conventional wisdom...Lee DeWyse has been crowned, Bowersox is an afterthought and the Gulf oil gusher will be plugged...New conventional wisdom...Bowersox is headed for the Rock Hall, Lee is toast and oil in the Gulf will be gushing forever
Channel 2 has a story about a Chicago couple in their seventies, who actually got trapped in their house by the clutter...this sounds like an Oprah show...I admit to generally believing that anything of mine is better off with me than in a landfill, and our livihng room has so many boxes Georgiann has formed a fun maze that provides hours of quality, brain teasing entertainment, and sometimes even cheese!
May 25, 2010
Bald Eagles in Batavia? True!...Carole Meeker e-mailed to say she had seen the Mom and the Eaglets, but no Dad...he was probably at Hair Club for Eagles
Lindsay Lohan now has one of those alcohol monitor ankle bracelets...this will end badly...I predict they will find Lindsay and the bracelet, both stone drunk in a Tijuana bar and the bracelet will be begging to stay just long enough to hear it's song on the jukebox
The real Amityville Horror house is for sale....$1.4 mi...have you ever noticed how, even if a house is the site of a disaster, the realto can still come up with a perky opening line for the ad?..."Make this 5 room Dutch Colonial your own gateway to hell!"
And finally, I find myself embroiled in controvery this morning over something I said yesterday about Venus Williams' backside...nobody complained to me directly, but more than one person, I'm told, complained to management...I mentioned that i intended to apologize and Dorese called to see what it was all about...off the air i repeated what i had said, and she, an African-American and one of my closest friends among the Y103.9 listener family, said I did not owe her anything...she said she knew my sense of humor, and didn't think that anything i ever say comes from a bad place...that made me feel a lot better
Just for the record, let me include an e-mail i sent to my managers last night which i read on the air...
Plese believe my deep and genuine sorrow at the thought of anyone being offended by what i said this morning. I hope it's well understood that it's never my intention to shock, offend, or even make someone feel bad or mad.
Humor at it's best is found in stories, well told, with colorful word pictures...in this rare case, my words were badly chosen
I will apologize to everyone on this air tomorrow morning.. i welcome the opportunity to make individual apologies to those who complained.
Please allow me at this point to apologize to you gentlemen for any difficulty i may have caused you. You have been supportive of the show, and respected my comic sensibilities. Knowing i've let you down, even without meaning to, is a hard truth.
I alone accept responsibility for my actions
James Shea
May 24, 2010
Had some face time backstage yesterday with Tim Conway...Tim Conway and Friends was a lot of fun at the Paramount Center for the Arts in Aurora...Tim is 75 and still doing folding chair pratfalls for larughs...love him...a lot of his monolouge was about aging..."...when I go, I think I'd like to go in my sleep, unlike my five screaming passengers."
Did you see Venus Williams in her French maid tennis outfit at the French Open?...my gosh, her backside was totally exposed at one point...afterwards i had this strange taste for blackened cajun ham hocks...and an urge to listen to Dark Side of the Moon
Bill Clinton had a minor fender bender on his way to deliver the Yale commencemnt speech...the Clintons also got a new dog recently...they knew it was the one at the kennel when it sat up on it's hind legs and said..." I did not hump that leg"
Local comic Matt Drufke stopped in to say he is satisfied with the Lost series finale...I predicted the Hamlet ending...everybody dies...Matt said I basically got that right, except that there was a heretofore mysterious parallel existence which may have been heaven...I noted that the fact that the fat guy was the only one to not take his shirt off was proof of God's existence
Fergie (not the Black Eyed Peas Fergie, the Dutchess of York Fergie) got stung by a tabloid reporter's sting operation...she appeared to ask for $40,000 in exchange for access to former hubby Prince Andrew...she said she regretted the incident and admitted her finances were "stressed"...huh?...I thought the royals gave her a big fat wad o cash....must be gone...do they still allow beheadings?...if they did, her head would just endorse Weight Watchers
May 21, 2010
Had a great time this morning with Marci filling in on news for Stew...she chose Richard Pryor as the commedian for your Friday classic comedy clip....Seinfeld called Richard Pryor the "Picasso of standup comedy"...I said I always liked how he knew how to be dirty, but not too dirty...Marci said, yes, just the man she wanted to be in bed with
Ed the cop from Elgin just realized he has a retirement nest egg...his season Blackhawk tix are going for $1,000 minimum on the street...look for Ed, right behind the Hawks bench...GOOOO HAWKS!!!
John Sheppard-Barron, inventor of the ATM, just died...the first 100 people to attend the wake get a free toaster!!!
The Illinois EPA poisoned a stretch of the Calumet River, searching for the dreaded Asian Carp...I wanted to perform this "dead fish test" last time I was down South at the seafood bar at the Shoney's
In a recent survey of married women 77 percent said they were happy with their sex lives...and of those happy ones, 63 percent said they'd rather sleep than have sex...so the question, "are you happy with your sex life?" is about the same as "are you happy with the bug situation in your house?"...yep, don't have any
May 20, 2010
Stew tried getting back in the game today, but alas, too soon...his voice faltered and we gave Alex the intern a shot at a newscast...Alex was then benched in favor of a hoarse Stew, who then gave way to Jeff...we really showed our news department depth chart this morning
Simon Cowell tells Oprah he has some fears about having kids at his age (50)...he says he had a very active Dad who played soccer with his kids... Simon's concerned he won't have the energy...he should be more concerned about bringing a kid into the world whose dad is a mean jackass..."do you call that a finger painting? do you?"
Kudos to the booster organization in South Elgin...they aim to build a $3 million sports complex without spending one dime of taxpayer money...talk about pressure on a booster organization...booster candy will not get it done....they're gonna have to try the booster mini bar....you take it home on the honor system...if you wind up eating the peanuts you kick in 32 bucks...everybody has a mini bar horor story where they dug in and paid later...my first mini bar turned my Visa Platinum into Visa Pig Iron
Pakistan has outlawed Facebook...I've never had to defriend an entire country before
May 19, 2010
Stew is still on the DL with a no voice...this is tough for broadcasters, because as you well know, we love to hear the sound of our own voices...when Stew gets his voice back he plans to take it on a romantic weekend getaway...if you're up in the Dells and you see a bald man babbling to himself, that's Stew
On Larry King Live last night Mick Jagger credited the Stones longevity to luck and hard work...I don't know if I'm ready for a humble Mich Jagger...quick story...a radio guy i met back in the 80s in Akron had great stories of all the great 60s groups...he was working at WHK in Cleveland when the Stones first came to town back in 1964...he said that when the screaming kids ran toward them as the stepped out of the limo they spat at the kids...whaaaaa?...I never forgot that story...I suppose Mick way have wanted to spit at Larry, but his mouth gets too dry now
Yesterday we shared the comitragic story of a man who traded his 3 month old daughter for two 40 ounce cans of malt liquor...well now St. Ides is marketing their 8 pack as "Octomom bait"
Last night's American Idol was pretty much the Lee DeWyse coronation...not that I'm complaining...one nice non-Lee moment had Krystal Bowersoxx singing the song Ellen picked just for her: Maybe I'm Amazed...I think Ellen just wanted to hear her sing "maybe I'm a man"
Not that there's anything wrong with this, but is Glee getting even more gay?...last night you had RuPaul in the cafeteria serving up the mystery meat...and believe me, it's a mystery we don't want to solve
May 18, 2010
Stew couldn't read the news today...his lingering spring cold voice makes Michael J. Fox in Family Ties sound like Pavarotti...my idea was Stew whispers the sexy news...maybe that will be some future pay per download feature
Young intern Alex has a close connection to the sad Phil Pagano story...when Alex was in grade school in Crystal Lake, Phil's wife was the school nurse...it tends to put a human face on this awful tragedy that I can't quite get my mind around...it's hard for me to imagine any humiliation being worse than getting hit by a train...now new details are coming out about Pagano's excessive spending in Springfield and other places...I wagged my finger at young Alex and said let this be a lesson to you...try to develop healthy addictions...like carrots and online porn
I played a new song by Randy Bachman and Fred Turner today, their first studio music in years...the song is called, "Rock And Roll Is The Only Way Out"...it's the first taste of their new album, due out September 7th...it's got a classic riff and a classic sound...I think it stands alongside any of their classic hits...download the new song for free at www.bachmanandturner.com
A Massachusetts man is accused of trading his 3 month old daughter for two 40 ounce cans of malt liquor....and a bag of pretzels to be named later....new low in society?...yes! ding ding, we have a new low...Colt 45, drink irresponsibly
May 17, 2010
Our new summer intern Alex had his first day today...he attends Illinois State in Normal in the fall and works at Jewel this summer...his audition tape for the internship here was stellar..."clean up on aisle three"
It's official...BP is lowering a containment box down to the oil spill containing Anti Niemi...that guy can stop anything...Go Hawks!
The Rolling Stones classic, Exile on Main Street, remastered, with10 new cuts hits stores tomorrow....this was the height of their drug laced decadence, a good bit of the album was created in a genuine French Chateau...creative environment counts...I've always said hey, if you think my show is good now, put me in a chateau, fill me full of wine and stinky cheese and look out
Kevin Costner had the first right of refusal on the "Field of Dreams" cornfield in iowa, but turned it down...price tag: $5.4 mil...I wonder if the realtor had a corn field open house with a little plate of cookies and sign in book...Tiger also expressed some interest, but quickly lost it..." a field of what? corn? I thought you said porn, forget it"
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual, and was hating on the Ironman 2...I forget exactly why he hated it, but his reasons were funny
And kudos to Stew for covering the Lee Dewyse Mt. Prospect visit on Friday like nobody's business...he talked to the Mayor, he talked to Lee's old paint store boss, he even talked to the paint...when he talked to pink, that was particularly shocking
May 14, 2010
Matt Lauer is the latest accused celebrity cheater...Bill Zwecker's Sun Times story told of wild nights at the Vancouver Olympics...and yes, he nailed the dismount
Matt Lauer is also rumored to be romantically linked to a woman who claims to be Whitney Houston's half sister...Matt did a key change, then tweeted "And IIIIIIIEEEEEIIIII Wil Allllllwyays Haaaate Youuuuuuuuuu"
Law and Order has been cancelled, after a big 20 year network run, same as Gunsmoke, and second only to the Simpsons in longevity for a prime time scripted show...no comment from the show itself, which has lawyered up...Stew and I plan to go Good Cop Bad Cop on the show to make it talk...in our cop scene Stew plays Abe and I play Knuckles
Heinz plans to change it's ketchup recipe...next year it will have less sodium...see, they're not just offering a low sodium alternative, they're just saying hey look, you ay holes are eating too much salt so here you go, eat it...fortunately here at the station if our burger is lacking, we can go out to the cow barn..."hey fellas, mind if I hit your salt lick?"
May 13, 2010
This was one of those great mornings when you guys really stepped up and told everybody where the bad flash flooding was...this is where live radio still shines...with most everybody out driving, we're able to get the word out instantly... thanks one and all
Guy from Elgin made the trek to the studio in his outboard Evanrude....this is Guy's 9th time as intern for the day..he's .the Steve Martin or Alec Baldwin of the show...speaking of SNL, we got to talking about how great Betty White was hosting and Guy said now that Facebook is drunk with power over their successful campaign to get Betty on there, new campaigns were being launched for various people, Carol Burnett among them..the one host I would like to see on SNL would be Kevin James from The King Of Queens, just to see him play Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan
We got back on the topic of first childhood tv crushes...mine was Barbara Feldon, Stew said his was Dottie West, which struck me as odd, until i heard him describe her as a gun toting blond with a beauty mark, and I realized he was refering to Honey West...but before we got there Guy asked if he wasn't thinking of Adam West...goon one...Guy's first tv crush was Kristy McNichol...I asked how disappointed he was when he found out Kristy was playing for the other team and he said at that point he asked to be traded....for Adam West
Sarah Palin gave a speech at Romemont yesterday and took a swing at the school administrators in Highland Park who made the decision to keep their girl's basketball team home from a tournament in Arizona...this would be to boycott the state of Arizona as payback for their new immigration law...this is one rare occasion where I agree 100 percent with Sarah Palin...and i am neither for or against the Arizona law...there's some good things about it and some bad things about it...but regardless, this is not the way to vent...it's the same twisted logic that Jimmy Carter used back in 1980 when he didn't like what the Soviet Union was doing in Afghanistan and he decided to really hurt them by depriving our U. S. atheletes who'd worked for 8 yearstraining for the Olympic games of their moment in the sun
May 12, 2010
Playboy will soon feature a 3D centerfold...the magazine will come complete with those 3D glasses...I got a sneak peak online..eveything's in 3D...those classic Norman Mailer essays jump right out at you
Baseball announcer Keith Hernandez actually fell asleep during a game the other day...Stew has never actually fallen asleep during my show, although he says he's come close...also, one time when I played Sugar Sugar he went into insulin shock
Had a blast this morning with Mary Jean Adkins and Beth Norman...they're running the show at the annual Little Angels Pledge run, which happens Sunday at Woodstock Harley Davidson....we got on the topic of first childhood crushes...Mary Jean liked Andy Williams....wow!....and both ladies love Little Joe on Bonanza...they stayed with him, even through the bed wetting phase
More childhood memories from Mary Jean and Beth...dressing up like the Supremes...and everybody wanted to be Diana...nobody wanted to be Flo or Mary...was mary the chunky one?...actually her problem was big bones (covered with meat and gravy)
There's no telling how the massive Gulf oil spill will affect the little town of Gulf Shores AL...Georgiann and I are going down there in August, oily beach or no...we had looked in to buying a condo there, but now how could you possibly predict future earnings on property or anything else down there?...I'm hoping people will still go there...an oily beach might even attract some people by combining the beach experience with the NASCAR experience
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May 11, 2010
Arlington Race Course and the city of Mt. Prospect are hosting a blowout welcome home for Lee DeWyse...I called his Mom, Kathy to offer congratulations, and with any luck she'll be able to talk real soon...Lee will perform a few songs at the racetrack after a big motorcade...my idea was to have all four finalists give concerts, then saddle 'em up and race 'em...hey don't laugh, that's how that picked the Spreme Court nominee
Tiger is getting a divorce...and Larry King is getting a one week reconciliation...huh?...yep, he's moved back in...maybe this is one last ditch attempt to kill him with lovin' if you know what I mean
Why am I tingling this morning?...my first serious celebrity crush was Barbara Feldon...loved Get Smart...loved her..in retrospect maybe i internalized that show a bit too mcuh...my idea of romance is me as Max, bumbling through life, and the ideal mate is a hot coleague, right alongside you, fighting Kaos...well, my psychoanalysis aside, I spotted a pic of Barbara now, at age 75, still smoking hot, to me...check this...she's written a book: "Living SIngle, And Loving It"...whoa...and it's coming out this summer as an audio book...I sent an e-mail requesting an interview...looks like it might happen...wowwwww...stay tuned
The sad story of Phil Pagano shocked us all...the head of Metra is accused of financial misdeeds
...and jumps in front of a train...in his cloudy mental state he obviously didn't realize that anyone can come back from anything...take the Marcos family in the Phillipines, who were literally run out of town by an angry mob...now Imelda is back in the Phillipine House of Representatives, he eldest is a provincial governor, and son Fedinand Jr. (nicknamed bong bong) has won a seat in the Senate...I think somebody's been smoking the bongbong
May 10, 2010
I'm not familiar with the Obama Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan...the name Elena says "wise Latina", and Kagan means she can probably hold her liquor
Whatever the news, i always root for the best comic outcome and boy was this a great comedy weekend...first the Staten island Ferry gets in a wreck and I'm like "oh please be a rear ender, please be a rear ender"...then Tiger gets a bad back and may have to pull out of the golf tourney and i'm like, "please pull out Tiger, please pull out!"...oh and how beautiful is this?...Tiger's problem is a bulging disk
Ooooh...more good future comedy...this Elena Kagan looks like David Brenner
Matt Drufke stopped in for his usual Monday visit and summer vacations were on our minds...I'm so selfish...I booked our Alabama beach vacation the day the oil rig blew...when i see all the awful footage of the spill I think, well at least we might actually get a seat at the Waffle House at 9am...Matt doesn't do much traveling, and has his fun close to home...he took a dip in Wonder Lake and couldn't figure out whether or not what he got was a rash...see? the lake is well named
Betty White was just amazing on Saturday Night Live...how many 88 1/2 year old ladies can even do 9 costume changes in 90 minutes, let alone, be up and funny...in tre monolouge she took a shot at Facebook..."seems like a huge waste of time", and "...if i want to get in touch with old friends, i use a Ouija board"...the funniest moment was in the prison skit where she played a convict trying to scare some kids straight, saying prison was no fantasy...it was their own real life movie, and they'd be the star of The Wizard of Ass"...something about Betty White saying The Wizard of Ass ...it's a beautiful thing
May 7, 2010
I've got it...I've got the concept for Ed the Cop from Elgin...he's on a mission to make the front page of the Tribune the day after the Hawks win the Stanely Cup...I see Ed on that glass walkway at the Hancock Tower, lying on his back making a snow angel, dressed head to toe in Blackhawk stuff, and in his mouth...a puck...waddya think huh?
While delivering prizes to our All For Mom contest winners yesterday i ventured deep into the bowels of Del Webb Sun City in Huntley...amazing...neat little almost identical condos for what seems like miles...I'd be afraid i'd walk in the wrong place...i bet that happens a lot
The British general election yielded mixed results and now we have a "hung Parliment"...which by the way is also the name of the new Mike Myers movie...Mike plays Lord Tightytrouser
Saw a recent pic of Barbara Feldon (99 on Get Smart)...she's 75 and still looks great...I WILL have her in studio very soon....Would You Beleive she'll blow off 7 of my e-mails and not even phone
The latest genetic evidence indicates that early humans mated with Neanderthal Man...he musta had a cool car
May 6, 2010
Stew was sick today for the first time i can ever recall..this led to rampant speculation...my first hunch was Blackhawk "red flu" eh?...great game...I can feel the cup coming to chicago, i really can...I challenged Ed the Cop from Elgin to pull some stunt that would put him on the front page of the Tribune the day they win the cup...stay tuned
Jeff filled in on news this morning and said i've got a real good chance to celebrate the first championship season in Cleveland of any kind since 1964...to this i say balls...as i live and breate i realize that something will happen and Cleveland will lose...just apply the Cub rule to all your teams and you'll begin to get it...the Cubs are like that child that's still living in the basement...well what if ALL your kids were a disappointment...I mean in Cleveland we've had hockey teams come and go...which is like having foster children that move in, disappoint you, and move out...don't talk to me about LeBron....Cleveland will lose
Another possible reason for Stew's absence..he might be on a book tour...Robert Feder (formerly of the Sun Times) reports on vocalo.org that Stew is writing a book about his first radio station in Des Plaines, that launched the careers of some Chicago radio mainstays...my first station in Chardon OH launched the careers of um well..I think I'm the most famous person who ever was heard there...how sad is that?...you know I take that back, our weatherman (on the phone from Cleveland's channel 3) was Al Roker...I asked Jeff if he'd write about our station some day...he said sure...right before he wakes up screaming
May 5, 2010
A happy Cinco De Mayo to one and all...my love affair with Mexico began at age 15 with a student homestay...I've visited a total of 4 times and always love it...yes, the problems there are tremendous, but I've always found Mexican people have a boundless optimism and zest for life, despite it all...if you're thinking of going, don't do the bargain resort...rule of thumb; if you orderCorona with lime and they think you mean lyme disease, stay away
United and Continental are getting married, and I for one saw it coming...maybe you saw those two planes getting very familiar and thought it was just a fueling maneuver...well I happen to know that they had to get married bcause, get this...Continental is knocked up...go ahead laugh, but you watch, 6 or7 months from now the stork will bring a little discount airline
Funny thing about British newspapers...you open them up and on page 3...hellllllo...there's a semi-naked woman...page 3 girls they call them...and the Sun paper says the whole tradition is in danger and they're trying to rally the voters in the general election to support boobie friendly candidates...."Keep Our Girls Out Of The Dole Queue", read the headline...I know a queue is a line, but i had to think about dole...turns out dole means welfare...at first I thought these babes were lining up for Bob Dole...I was like '"you old dog!"
McHenry County is one of only three Illinois counties to have an elite debt rating...kudos to our local officials on their fiscal responsibility...the bad news is the county is about turn 200, which is midlfe crisis time, so the county plans to get the hair plugs and the Mazurati
So this Times Square bomb suspect would have us believe that he became a U.S. citizen a year ago with all the love in the world, but soured on the USA when he saw what we did in Pakistan...I guess immigration is like dating, and somebody has got to make damn sure these new citizens are over their ex, you know?..sounds like the guy still has feelings...maybe we should just be good friends
May 4, 2010
MCC starts it's Mystery Dinner theatre series Saturday night at Woodstock High School...and unlike a lot of these, the food promises to actually be good...so many times they focus on the play, and the real mystery is what you're actually eating
More exciting community college news....this from ECC...the college just received it's largest ever gift...$495, 821 from a former professor, karl Lehr...grief counselors will be on hand to console anyone mentioned in Lehr's will who will now receive a crummy ping pong table
I made several references to the Kent State anniversary, saying it was 30 years ago today...Stew didn't notice, and maybe not too many other people did, but Guy from Elgin finally called to say it was 40 years ago today...d'oh...I don't know what's more disturbing, that it's been that long ago, or that I shaved ten years without anybody noticing
Yesterday I wondered aloud if the French woman who got the surgical new face was allowed to have a Facebook page before the proceedure...and along comes another medical miracle, a Spanish man with tumors who got a new, very long, very excited face...kind of like that painting, The Scream...it might be good to always look surprised, especially on your birthday...if i'm getting a new face, i would ask for the McCaulay Culkin
May 3, 2010
Turns out the Times Square bomb scare may have been linked to the South Park tv show...some people are mad about a recent episode (I missed it) wherein they were going to depict the prophet Muhammed...someone should tell these people that you can't just blow up a tv show, and if you could, blow up The Marriage Ref for cryin' out loud
I saw on tv they had some outrageous Kentucky Derby parties...one of the biggest was for YUM brands, which owns KFC...I'm imagining a giant horse made out of chicken...all covered in that wonderful original recipe skin...I swear I could eat a Moray eel if it was covered in original recipe skin...I see this big original recipe horse...lift the tail and what do you get?...mashed potatoes and gravy of course
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual...we got to talking about GPS systems...he said his Tom Tom is always steering him away from comedy clubs and toward technical and trade schools
I saw where they were going to let depressed pilots fly again...I never knew they couldn't...but it makes sense.."ladies and gentlemen this is your captain, we're flying over...over um...some mountains, i dunno they're all the same and what does it matter anyway?"
April 30, 2010
The Blackhawks kick off their grudge series vs.Vancouver Saturday night..and of course Daley has to make the kooky bet...he puts up a bunch of great meat; Vienna dogs etc...and the dumb Vancouver mayor puts up a crummy bag of barnacles
When Jarrett Payton was in studio with me a couple weeks ago he shared a story about Woodfield Mall opening up after hours just for the Payton family...if I ever got that famous that might be a bad situation...I'd look at the prices and walk out with a pack of gum...well, just like the mall, we've opened up the ticket window just for you...on the main page of the website this morning there's a special link that will get you a password...and with it you can buy Chicago and Doobie Brothers concert tickets before they go on sale to the public tomorrow...yep, buy em today before the great unwashed masses get their meathooks on them...you're welcome
Conan speaks....to Steve Kroft from 60 Minutes on Sunday night...he describes a "toxic" relationship with NBC...if that's the case, then yes, you should move on, if you have options...problem is, I know so many people who are in a toxic relationship iwth their employers, but are hanging on just to feed the kids...my best advice to you, if your boss is toxic?...try to get high on the fumes
Betty Lynn (the real life name of Thelma Lous from the Andy Griffith show) moved to Mt. Airy (Andy's real life hometown) after having been mugged twice in Los Angeles...at age 83 now, she got mugged at the grocery store in Mt. Airy the other day...they caught the guy and got her money back...but maybe she needs a dog to help "take a bite outa crime"
April 29, 2010
Shioban Magnus got booted off American Idol last night...but she will not be silenced...in fact if you listen very closely, you can still hear her taking fashion risks...boy, when they said that top was too loud they weren't kidding
The next Blackhawk series starts Saturday night versus Vancouver...these teams really do hate each other...I would certainly describe the trash talk as hateful...Vancouver said those skates make the Blackhawks' butts look big
In her new auto bio, Laura bush implies that she and Gearge were poisoned at the G-8 summit in Germany back in 2007...these things can happen...you think you're ordering schnitzel and they bring you schnauzer
Let's say you bought your Cubs tickets back in Feb...you looked at the calendar and figured a Thursday day game against Arizona would be a hassle free experience....muwahhahaha...turns out there's an immigration rally at Wrigley today...seems some people don't like Arizona's new immigration law...well, see, here's the thing....i don't know if that law is bad, or the greatest law ever, but either way, if you don't live in Arizona, is it any of your business?...and if you think it is, take it up with the people who made the law...organizers say they're pushing for a comprehensive boycott of all things Arizona, which to me is loony...half the ballplayers don't even live in Arizona, right?...all I'm saying is, don't take your issues out on people who may be more sympathetic than you think, it could turn them off to your cause....and next time I get a bad crepe, I promise not to kick a French poodle
April 28, 2010
I often tell the tale of my first day on the radio here...December 19, 2010...I got zero phone calls the first two hours...my first caller was Dorese Bledsoe from Hanover Park...she has remained a good friend of the show and has sat in with me several times in studio...Dorese was in today to celebrate the fact that we have gone from like 39 listeners to literally hundreds of thousands...our greatest audience figure ever was achieved in March, and we just found out...thank you all for letting me do this for a living...I do love it and I love you all
Brewers broadcaster Bob Uecker is taking some time off to fix a heart murmur...we certainly wish him the best...as if that wasn't bad enough, we have audio of the actual murmur..."Brewers suck, Brewers suck, Brewers suck"
Here's another hot stock tip that comes a day late...Playboy Enterprises went up 42 percent yesterday, fueled by rumors of a sale....a hostile takeover is when they force Playboy to wear a skimpy bunny suit and serve cocktails...a friendly takeover would be letting Playboy live in the mansion and giving them a reality tv show...dorese said the stock price is probably the only thing that's up for Hef these days
We got to talking about Bret Michaels, and how scary it is that he's fighting for his life with a leaky brain at age 47...were entering that era when we're starting to bury classmates...I said I'm ready to go anytime, I just can't wait for that great eulogy...Dorese said I'd better get busy writing
April 27, 2010
The Hollywood sign is safe...htnaks to Hugh Hefner, who long has championed the preservation of those letters on the side of the hill...he coughed up half a million bucks to help buy the land...he wants a little something back in terms of sponsorship for the Playboy brand though...let me just say the Os are gonna look realy interesting
Darlene Marcusson from Lazarus House in St. Charles was my intern for the day...we had some very deep and interesting discussions about how people get to the point where they can use a shelter like Lazarus House...good to know that they're there...even in a place like St Charles, where eveyone is a neurosurgeon
We got into this issue of sending national guard troops in to the city to stop the gang violence...it seems weird that it's even being discussed...in my mind the state militia are for emergencies, catastrophic events...the gang violence is fueled by drugs and the love of a buck over all else...it's like a fungus...it's everywhere, not just in the city...I think there are some problems the troops can't fix...the answer is love for one another becoiming stronger than the love of a buck...so like the Youngbloods said, "come on people now.." well, you know the rest...and just saying that, of course automatically makes me a naive moron
I told Darlene what she needs to promote her various charity events is a red carpet...I mean everybody's got a red carpet now...the ESPN Espy awards have a red carpet..and the atheletes are get it all muddy with their dirty cleats...even TV Land has awards and a red carpet...well actuallly, it's more like a throw rug
April 26, 2010
Had a great time celebrating Earth Day over the wekend at the new Elgin Recycling location in Gilberts...Stew and I are doing our part to go green this morning...his newscasts are %100 recycled Tea Party stories...and I just recycled that joke
Great real life moment...Georgiann and i had KFC yesterday...I got the honey for the biscuits in the little packets and you have to cut it with scissors..."can I cut you a honey?" I asked...she paused before saying yes...making sure I wasn't offering to pass gas
Did you know they still make Archie comic books?...they do...and they want to be inclusive, so look for the debut of the first gay Archies character...I always suspected Jughead actually, ever since that time he skipped the malt shop to stay home and watch "Glee"
Wisconsin's Gov Doyle will sign a bill making it legal to distribute raw milk on the farm...they say it has great health benefits...it could also get you real sick...I put the udder right up to my lips one time...I wasn't thirsty for milk, I was just lonely...the cow said "hey pal, dinner and a movie first!"
April 23, 2010
The Obama poll numbers are not what they once were in the US, but overseas...different story...in Shanhai they will soon open an Obama themed nightclub....huh?...experience the audacity of hope that the bartender might acknowledge you!
Congressman Manzullo is all hot to trot for a proposed Amtrack stop in Marengo or Huntley...I say Marengo...we're talking magical honeymoon mecca, Marengo...you've got Al the Violin Guy to serenade the happy couples while they're doing the Marengo Mattress Tango
The Tea Party is all for this (Amtrack deal) I hear...hmmm...odd, since the whole project of expanding rail service from Chicago to Dubuque comes with a $60 million price tag...I guess they figure if Quinn is gonna spend the money we might as well get a piece...but geez we're broke, we're laying off teachers, and speding 60 mil so the old folks can ride to Iowa and gamble?...I know!...hire the teachers back as train conductors..they can teach the kids essential life skills...like the finer points of blackjack
Crazy Blago! Crazy Blago!...his subpoenas are IN-SANE!!!...he now thinks he's going to be able to subpoena President Obama...there's about as much chance of the prez showing up in Springfield as there is of them putting an airport for the Concorde in Marengo
April 22, 2010
The new $100 bill makeover includes some surprising new features...like Ben Franklin's toupee and soothing aloe for that sore cocaine nose
Two exciting guests this morning....first, Julie Ferris from the Downtown St. Chalres Partnership...Julie is all pumped about the Sister's Weekend starting Friday, involving 75 sponsors, with goodies and activities for "sisters' of all types...spa treatments, pajama parties, demonstrations, live music from Jackson 5 Alive....oh and Pintinis to drink...Pinktinis huh? I think Shecky Greene is naming the cocktails...there's also a chance to get some fun temporary tatoos...like a "tramp stamp"...Julie asked me if I'd like a tramp stamp and I said sure, just not on my Pinktinti
And Tom Smothers joined me for what was probably my warmest and most wonderful interview ever...I'd been trying to get Tom on the air for about a year..he just does not do interviews, but I think said yes when he realized what a true fan I am...and he gave me a bit of a scoop, albeit a sad one...he said Dick has been having some throat troubles and after this current tour winds down in a month or so, they will be taking a "sabbatical" for several years...at their current ages (Tom is 73) this sounds like it's the end...in Tom's words they're going to "fold the tent and clean out the cage"...so if you missed them, you missed America's most enduring comedy team (52 years)....sigh
Tom was warm and friendly to me, even checking my personal web page and remembering various artists whose Forgotten 45s I've played, like The Hollies...he had a great story about how Crosby and Nash just started jamming together at his house one night, and you know what that evolved into...he also had a great story about John Lennon chewing him out at the Bed In for Peace...gteat, amazing stuff...if you missed it, I plan to re run it Sat May 1st at 9a
April 21, 2010
Jarrett Payton (Walter's son) took me up on my invitation to come in and do the whole show today...and waht a show...Jarrett is a total natural behind the mic...and his performance was even more impressive when you take into account that he practices football with the Slaughter ti' almost midnight and got like 90 minutes of sleep...the Slaughter have a big game Saturday...you can hear the play by play right here on Y103.9
Jarrett brought something to the show we've never had before...sex appeal...he has tese gorgeous diamond earings....young ladies were calling him up, asking if he was as handsome as his dad....this provided a nice counterbalance to me...as you know I am panty repellant...one time I walked into Victoria's Secret and all the panties stood up and ran away
We were entertained by many great Walter Payton stories...like when Jarrett was 12....President Bush (the first one) invited them both to the White House and a round of golf...Jarrett was drving President Bush around in the golf cart....he drives up a hill and they almost roll over...three secret service guys swarm around to right the cart...then they go to Camp David, where they have a cook 24/7 to make you anything you want to eat...I said wow, what a lost opportunity...he could have asked for Kimodo Dragon meat loaf...."hey you're in luck, the Malayan ambassador was just there last week"
Other Jarrett Payton perks growing up included having Woodfield Mall open after hours, just so Walter and family could do some shopping...also Santa stayed up and stayed sober just for them...lucky duck...all us kids got the drunky barfy santa
By the end of the show, Jarrett said I not onloy could call him my boi, but I could also call him my guy...I am truly savoring my first ever small shred of street cred ...of course I invited him back real soon...he says his mission next time is to get my ears pierced...gu;p...um,okay
April 20, 2010
An article on CNN's website claims more and more co-eds are celibate...back in the college days I had this curious power to inspire all kinds of celibacy....I remember once in the backseat with this girl, she was making noise, and i thought she was enjoying it...turns out she was having some sort of religous experience, talking in tounges...one week later she's a nun...and yep (chest puffing out) I've still got it
Besides being lingerie repellant, I have another curious bit of bad joo joo...and that is sports teams...I' ve NEVER had a pro team I'm rooting for win a champioship...NOT ONE...IN ANY SPORT...and if i start rooting for your team, they're toast...good thing i wasn't around in '85...I coulda turned those Bears into the '62 Mets
Joaquim Noah of the Bulls says he does not like Cleveland, and of course everybody there gets upset...I spent enough time in Cleveland to know that they're very touchy...he had a chance to take it back on TNT but drove the knife in deeper...he said he never left his hotel room and there was nothing but factories there....hey pal, that's BOARDED UP factories to you!
NYC is bracing for a doorman's strike....ooo, I'd be scared...if there's one group that doesn't need to go away for awhile it's doormen, right?...we might not miss them...how does an ad for a doorman read anyhow...wanted: someone who likes to drink and dress like Colonel Klink...have you noticed how the fancier the building, the gaudier the outfit?...at some of those ritzy places the doorman looks like the Emperor Maximillian....maybe all the doormen could form a paramilitary group...I bet they could ta Iceland, easy
And speaking of Iceland, this is a real lost opportunity for the Tea Party to grab some global attention...they need to drop a giant tea bag in the volcano...next thing you know Great Britain is bathed in the lovely smell of tea, and they'll be all like "why it's those Yank blokes, good show!...I fancy a crumpet!"..huh? huh? waddaya think?
April 19, 2010
That dumb volcano in Iceland continues to spew and disrupt everything...with a name like Iceland I'm frankly amazed that anyone actually lives there...hmm Iceland, that's for me!...they may have to change the name to Suckland
Steven Segall is accused of using a personal assistant as a love slave...people inside his organization tell TMZ that his persoanl assistants are expected to do weird things like take off his shoes...if I had personal assistants to do that, they'd want Hazmat pay
Nohr Robinson, a 74 year old guy who's wasting away in a VA hospital, says he's Oprah's dad, wants a DNA test to prove it, and wants Oprah just to call him..heyyy.I know...he could write a phony baloney book about kicking a drug habit and Oprah would put him on the show
Douglas Spink is accused of running a farm where he provided animals for people to have "relations" with...horses and large breed dogs....noooooo those are the worst! they don't like to cuddle, they don't call you the next day...ummm people tell me that
April 19 is officially "some kook blows something up in America day"....the OK City thing ,the VA Tech and Columbine as well as the Koresh Branch Davidians all went down right about this date...Koresh had a Charlie Manson kind of deal where all these women were giving him fee love on demand...this blows my mind...I can't even get a woman to sleep in the same bed with me without a wall of pillows....you wanna solve the immigration problem?...make a wife pillow wall from Tijuana to the Gulf...guys'll see that and be all like, "man nobody's getting any action here, forget it"
April 16, 2010
A Streamwood cop is charged in a horrendous taped beating...the video is just awful...the way this guy went nuts with that stick I thought I was watching a Red Wings game....eeeeeeyyyyyyyooooooo...Go Hawks!
Ryan Seacrist played big brother to American Idol favorite Crystal Bowersox...she quit the show and he talked her back in...she said she missed her Mom and family back in Ohio so much she couldn't stand it...I'm always amazed by people who would give up being famous just to hang with their parental units...me, I wanted to go to Vietnam when I was like, 10
Another amazing sight that you should not miss...the mugshot of Tiger bimbo #2 Jaimee Grubbs, taken after she was picked up on charges related to a suspended license (it's on TMZ)...check out those scary eyes...this girl could stare down a Lemur
British scientists have created an embryo with the DNA of one Dad and two Moms...two Moms...Hallmark and FTD are funding the reasearch
Imagine having two Moms...imagine having to wear two pair of clean underwear
April 15, 2010
Larry King is getting his 7th divorce...this one lasted 13 years...he's 76, she's 50...she was amazingly hot back in 1997 when they got married, and as I recall he recited the vows from a hospital bed...you would think that the old buzzard would have have the decency to croak by now, but I guess she got tired of waiting and wants herm money now...Larry's plans include getting some lady to kiss him so he can turn into Prince
Jeff Danklesen and Todd Hartnell from the Kane County Tea Party were my interns for the day...they are holding a tax day rally in Geneva this afternoon...they were not all what I expected
What we had with Jeff and Todd was several interesting discussions about politicians and how none of us can stand any of them...Jeff says military spending should be cut in half, which impressed me..also, they don't feel any particular love for Sarah Palin, or the Tea Party people who got together in Nashville a while ago...they did not talk like politicians, they talked like people who are fed up with taxes...I said I wasn't sure how successful they would be seeing as how 45 percent of the people in a recent Gallup poll said federal income tax rates are "about right"..Jeff said, well maybe those are the ones who don't pay any federal income tax, which is 47 percent....hmmm
We talked about the airlines charging you 45 bucks to bring one carry on bag...and if you want to use your seat as a floatation device that costs you 75 bucks...outrageous
Oh and by the way, we talked to Robby Krieger of the Doors about the new Doors movie, When You're Strange: a film about the Doors...it's got Johnny Depp reading Jim Morrison's poetry and narrating, along with new footage of all the Doors from back in the day...i geeked out and started raving about The Soft Parade, my favorite Doors album..turns out Robby's favorite is LA Woman
April 14, 2010
Textile Minds is the name of a new British magazine that touts itself as "porn for the blind"...it's a hands on experience, not unlike the Playboy experiment that lasted from 1970 to 1985 of providing an edition in braille...it wasn't that good because all they let you touch was the articles...you put your hands on an article by French existentialist philosopher Jean Paul Sartre and you felt his inner pain...see now that's a very smart joke...which is why it sucked
Steven Segall is accused of making his personal assistant a sex slave...if found guilty he must karate chop himself into a bloody heap
Did you see the spiked, heavier Adam lambert last night on American Idol...it's like Billy Idol and Eddie Munster had a love child...and oh that banter with Adam and Ryan, hoo boy, that was the gayest moment on network tv since Little Richard and Liberace were on Merv Griffin...literally
And is our boy Lee DeWyse looking to win this thing?...based on his brilliant "Little Less Conversation" last night, I'd say he could...and since Fox will only let me talk to booted contestants, I'm putting in my bid for Andrew Garcia now...
April 13, 2010
I can't wait to get my hands on this new Kitty Kelley unauthorized Oprah bio...the most stunning revelation of all is that Oprah once dated John Tesh...John Tesh! with the nice hair and nice teeth...dating Oprah!...that's grounds for having your hair and teeth revoked
I mean you really don't have to have nice teeth and nice hair to date Oprah then or now, do you?...I mean when she was first starting out she'd have gone for a toothless bald guy with wind-up novelty dentures
Conan is headed to TBS...I think it's a good fit...since their focus is all things funny, that's where he belongs...one tiny sour note on the deal...in 2016 Jay Leno takes over the show
Spring must be here...today marks the debut of the noisy Spanish speaking guys who mow the lawn while I'm trying to do a show...if you think they're not so noisy this year, you're right....due to budget cuts they're now mowing with wind-up novelty dentures
April 12, 2010
Tiger lost, but the Masters was expected to reach a record audience...millions of these viewers tuned away when they realized Tiger would NOT be having sex with the beer cart girl between holes
And Phil Mickelson won it...good for Phil, whose wife is battling breast cancer...I love the Susan G. Komen people, but I've always thought it odd that breast cancer gets all the love, when more women die of lung cancer...I guess they feel lungs that smoke cigarettes are guilty somehow, and breasts don't smoke so they're innocent...I did once see a breast smoke a cigarette, but that was in Tijuana (ayyyyy yai yaiiiiiiiiii)
A lady in my apartment complex is the talk of the place with her window decor...on Jan 10 she's got the Valentine heart lights...Feb 15 she's got shamrocks....March 18 you get the Easter Bunny...I drove by her place this morning and saw a tiny neon statue of a woman griping and wagging her finger and had to think for a moment....oh yeah! Mother's Day! of course!
Meinhardt Raabe....the coroner munchkin in Wizard of Oz died at age 94...and yes, he's really most sincerely dead
April 9, 2010
I had this horrible nightmare last night...I'm in black and white, on a golf course, Nike hat and shirt, looking forlorn...listening to my deceased mom lecturing me about wearing clean underwear
Tiger shoots four under for the first round of the Masters...good for him...give this man a break will you people?...I mean the guy who runs the Masters rips him a new one the other day...hey pal, if you think he's so awful, you COULD ban him from your little tournament you know...what's that?...yeah, didn't think so...the man is money and you know it...give him a break...even if there was no scandal and shame, he still went from like 20 babes to cranky wife in 0.5 seconds...what must that be like?...all I know is cranky wife
Patrick interned for the day today...he showed up with a Frappaccino so big it came with a free defibrillator and insulin shot
A Florida teenager was busted for drinking a can of malt liquor in a police car...she was pulled over on suspicion of DUI, her car was towed away, cop searched her purse, drove her to the police station, and on the way the cop heard a can open...whoops...where did she hide that thing?...maybe she'd been working out so hard she really GOT a six pack
I had a brief, bad interview with recently booted American Idol contestant Didi Benami...what do you say to someone who just got the boot?...I suppose I could have said even though your brief moment in the spotlight is over, you're still wayyyyy more famous than me...but I don't know how much better that would've made her feel
We launch our "Best of" show tomorrow morning at 6...one bit sure to make that show eventually was when Joy from Helping Paws stopped in for her usual Friday visit and plugged the spaghetti dinner/spay and neuter fundraiser, SpayGhetti/No Balls...isn't that what Tiger ordered?
April 8, 2010
I'm not usually nervous when I dial the phone and wake up some celebrity in Los Angeles...but today I was...a sleepy Tim Conway answered and it was a dream come true for me...he was quick and funny...first thing I tried to do was bond with him over having grown up in his home town of Chagrin Falls OH, casually mentioning that his parents lived over by the library for years...Tim said 'Yes, I know, why are you telling me this?"
We talked about Tim's local tv career in Cleveland back in the late 50s and early 60s...it was going so well with a local Ghoul guy presenting bad movies show that he didn't want to leave...good thing for all of us he did, or we never would have seen him on Carol Burnett...we talked about the enigmatic, hard drinking boss in those early Cleveland days, Ernie Anderson, who played "Ghoulardi"...Ernie's son would later direct Boogie Nights...Ernie himself became the voice of the ABC network in the 70s "The Loooove Boat"
Tim is coming to the Paramount Arts Center in Aurora Sunday May 23rd for a 3p matinee...reserve tix at (630) 896-6666...the show, "Tim Conway and Friends" co-stars Chuck McCann, who you might know from those classic Right Guard "Mona" commercials, and impressionist Louise Duart...Tim says the show promises classic laughs and classic stories...promises, mind you, not delivers...Tim invited me backstage, telling me not to listen to those people who said he would be busy back there...he said he never is
I give Nike credit for standing by Tiger Woods...but I'm scratching my head after seeing the new Nike commercial...it's black and white, Tiger in a Nike hat and shirt staring into the camera looking forlorn, like he'd been up all night...he says nothing...the voiceover is his late Dad, Earl Woods, rambling on about what were you thinking and what you learned...it's obviously taken from some other context, but it comes off like a philisophical scolding from beyond the grave....it's slightly creepy...it brings to mind the thought of your deceased parents looking down on your every transgression....hmmmcan they see through blankets?noooooooo!
April 7, 2010
(sigh) Allright, so I'm filling out the Census form...geez these people are nosey...they want my profession...is "cyber-bully" hyphenated?
Buzz Aldrin finally got booted off Dancing With The Stars...literally...one small boot up the butt for this man...one giant size 9 for mankind
You can tell it's been wet here at the radio station...the robins are laying on their backs on the discared office furniture outside, smoling cigarettes, all like, "oh no way could I eat another worm"
More people watched Dancing With The Stars last week than watched American Idol...the talent is thin...watching that Tim Urban sing All My Lovin' last night I got the same feeling I got when I saw Pat Boone sing Tutti Fruitti
After 5 years of dating (well past the legal limit) Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy are through...too bad...I really wanted to see him say the marriage vows with his butt cheeks
April 6, 2010
Buter launches a half court prayer at the buzzer...if it's in they win...but it's backboard rim and out...and Butler becomes Adam Lambert...nobody will remember who they lost to, they'll just remember that amazing Butler run of 2010...in fact Butler is unsing the Adam Lambert angle to recruit for Fall...Butler: All of the Goodness, None of the Gayness
Tiger claims he never cheated on golf...that's good...wish MJ could say he never cheated on hoops, but there was that brief affair conducted in various Southern hotel rooms with minor leaage baseball, remember?...come to think of it, during that whole press conference Tiger was making googly eyes at a bowling ball
When I think of those poor coal miners trapped in West Virginia, I can't help but think how we could eliminate all our need for fossil fuels if we could just harness the heat in Zambrano's head
Olivia Newton John's boyfriend, thought dead since 2005 when they broke up, has been spotted, alive and well, in Mexico...when they broke up she said, Please Mr. Please...don't call me anymore...he said, Let Me Be There...far away from you
KFC is poised to introduce a new bacon and cheese sandwich with fried chicken instead of bread...they call it the Double Down...they were gonna call it The Bunless Wonder, but I own that trademark, along with Lay-Zee-Boy and my stripper name. Sweet Michigan Peaches"
April 5, 2010
Stew picks the Cubs to win the World Series yet again...he has no fear of feeling pretty Fukadome come October.. I say Cards first, Brewers second, Cubs third...I asked him for his ML East pick and he couldn't name one team (meaning he didn't know who the NL East teams were), so there you go...for the NL East I'm going out on limb...I'm gonna say Butler
What exactly has Erin Andrews done to deserve any of this?...first a perv peephole guy, and now e-mail death threats...is her dancing realy that bad?...I mean mine is...my dancing has been known to cause nerve damage
John Forsythe died at age 92 on Thursday...his last big thing was Dynasty...as a kid I loved Bachelor Father...he was this lawyer to the stars with a butler and a niece...good show...also, you know by now that he was the voice of Charlie's Angels' boss, Charlie...was it me or were the angels kind of hinting that they had a thing for Charlie?...like they were too busy for a relationship so they'd solve the crime and then kick back with Charlie in the hot tub...maybe they did...but maybe he heard "Sorry Charlie"
I saw something in the NCAA tourney over the weekend and it drove me nuts...Duke is up 20 some points on West Virginia in the last 30 seconds...scrubs are in, getting their one moment of glory...kid just stands there dribbling and everybody kind of quits for 30 awkward seconds as time runs out...the equivalent of taking a knee in the NFL...crazy....play hard until the end...and so often when the scrubs are in, the cameras don't even follow the game...they're looking for the hot dogs to emote on the bench, with the mandatory head in hands or Gatorade bucket (which I also hate)....we're at the point where the game itself doesn't matter at all, compared to the drama...pretty soon they'll just turn sports into a sports reality show...the Cubs should stop paying bug bucks to ballplayers and hire a scriptwriter..."oh my God did you hear Lou gave Zambrano a rose?"
April 2, 2010
It looks like the NIT is toast and the NCAA tournery will expand from 64 teams to 96 teams...this now means that ECC and MCC are automatically in...all they have to do is field teams
The Pope has an interesting Vatican photo op...wahing the feet of 12 priests...he then fast tracked the paper work to make Dr. Scholls a saint
The Phoenix Zoo threw a big 50th birthday bash for Dutchess the Orangutan...I know Dutchess personally, in fact years ago me and Ducthess had a kind of a thing...I mean with an Orangutan, you pretty much see what she's got, you know?...I mean they don't let 'em wear jog bras...maybe it was my simian features, or the fact that I scratch myself immodestly...or that I fling my crap at people and occasionally rip their faces off, but I told her it wasn't gonna work...we come from different worlds
We keep finding out new stuff about The Last Supper...turns out it wasn't so much a supper....it was more like a roast...and Judas was the roastmaster..."..c'mon I love this guy, who else can get away with walking accross my swimming pool in the middle of the night"
April 1, 2010
Today I made good on my promise to stop pranking and deliver the goods...Tommy James joined me on the phone to talk about his new book "Me, the Mob and the Music: One Hell of a Ride"..it is quite simply the best book about Rock and Roll I have ever read...and among the most corageous...not just because of telling tales on mob figures, but because Tommy had the guts to tell the truth about himself...he chuckled when I said he makes Tiger Woods look like Ned Flanders
First the movie...at this point it looks like it will hit theatres late in 2011...Tommy is hashing out the screenplay at his kitchen table these days...they have a short list of possible directors, and one of the names is Martin Scorcese...whoa!
Now the book...as you turn the pages, you live it like a fever dream...you put yourself in the shoes of this kid from Niles Michigan who goes from working in a record store to haiving his garage band's record explode in Pittsburgh and finds himself in New York getting intruduced to Morris Levy of Roulette Records, his new boss...during the introduction, a couple of mobsters interrupt and take Morris out in the hall where they describe taking a baseball bat and breaking some guy's legs who's bootlegging their records in New Jersey...he's not supposed to hear, but does...and is awkwardly introduced...what do you say to them?...did you have a nice beat down?...was it a business beatdown..uh huh, I see
It truly is on hell of a ride...they are going to have to cast...the Beach boys, Rick Nelson, John Lennon, Lee Majors, Linda Eastman, Vinnie the Chin Gigante, John Rook, Art Roberts, Dick Clark, Ed McMahon,
Frank Sinatra, Alan King, Morris Levy, Fat Tony Salerno, Jimmy Rogers and Shelly Winters...I offered to read for the part of Shelly Winters...I can do boozy and voluptuous
March 31, 2010
Buzz Aldrin survives the vote out on Daning With the Stars...despite the fact that his craky hip causes so much friction it burst into flames, like a space capsule re-entering the atmosphere
States are looking to crack down on owning primates...this is not good because my retirement plan to to get an organ and a monkey, grow a moustache and just stand there cranking on the street corner while the monkey picks pockets
Lee DeWyse had a breakout performance on American Idol last night, and yet, i am banned from talking to his mom in Mt. Prospect...I'll bet the Chicago Fox News is laughing and having crumpets with her right now...crumpets, I say!
Why does the hot girl always go for the nauseating guy?...now there's Jesse James Nazi pics out there...does Sandra get slimed by this latest revelation? in other words, did she know about the Nazi stuff and tolerate that, but the cheating is too much? you know?....uggghhh...this is deep Shikelgruber
March 30, 2010
Erica Badu (she's a singer) did a rather unusual video...she strips naked at the JFK assasination site in Dallas...now I've got some brand new theroies about that grassy knoll
Word association...I say Christian, you of course, say Militia...what?..the FBI has busted Christian Militia groups in Ohio, Indiana and Michigan...one group is accused of plotting to kill a cop and ambush the mourners...whatever happened to making manger scenes with popsicle sticks?
When it comes to celebraating Easter, I have a mixed household...Georgiann likes hollow Easter bunnies, and I will accept nothing but solid, dark chocolate...i tried white chocolate once and never again...once you go black you don't never go back
The city of Davenport IA decided to change their official employee calandar...they turned Good Friday into Spring Holiday...the reaction was swift and overwhelmingly negative...so now they're going back to leaving religion in the employee holidays...Halloween will now be Satan's Birthday
March 29, 2010
President Obama makes a surprise visit to the troops in Afghanistan...I gotta tell you he's looking great in that Commander in Chief jacket...it's properly military looking, but understated...at some point they'll probably pile on a bit more military stuff...like say, if the approval ratings go 80/20 negative, they'll trot him out in the scrambled eggs ballcap, dark glasses, and shoulder dealies with the fringe...in other words, if you see Michael Jackson reviewing the troops, you'll know Obama's in trouble
A well known pressure group wants Ronald McDonald to retire...they say he's too influential to kids and making them fat...why isn't Ronald as successful in getting kids to comfort and house terminally ill kids?...and isn't it the parents who drive the kids to McDonalds?...anyhoo, Ronald would probably love to retire, but can't, because the Hamburglar raided his 401k
The Tea Party is coming...The Tea Party is coming...look for a tax day rally (April 15) in Crystal Lake with special guest speaker Joe the Plumber...our regular Monday guest, local comic Matt Drufke is salivating at the prospect of getting some mic time at the rally...I'm sure he'll be heard somehow...I hope he'll be okay...Matt revealed something amazing this morning...he's 30 and never been in a fight....he credits being pathetic....he says nobody feels proud about pounding the kid who gets carpal tunnel from unwrapping string cheese
I want to form a new party, smack dab in the middle...the Green Tea Party...the perfect blend of wimpy and ticked
After 40 plus days of meatless and sweetless Lent I find myslerf begging Georgiann if we can have ham for Easter...I found a low salt ham: Hillshire Farms natural has just 500 some sodium mgs per serving...your standard ham has more than double that...I said I'll just buy a standard ham next winter and wipe down the driveway with it
March 26, 2010
This March basketball dealie...why, it's sheer madness!..another number one seed, Syracuse is ousted by, Butler?...whaaaa?...is that the school you go to if you wanna actually be a butler?..."yeah, I majored in 'very good sir' and spent four years learing how to serve myself cocktails"
It's Evan Lysacek day...there's a rally for Evan today in Naperville...I must say,now there's a man who looks good in a tux...Stew and me were in tuxes at the bridal fair last Sunday and we looked like we stepped off of a gay wedding cake, and not in a good way.
We lost another great one yesterday, Johnny Maestro, the lead singer for The Crests and The Brooklyn Bridge, dead of cancer at age 70...I had the pleasure of meeting Johnny 17 years ago in Cleveland at a big oldies show called the Moondog Coronation Ball...he was immaculate in a tailored suit, complete with hankerchief and pinky ring, and his show shine could blind ya...they had this great horn section...I don't know if it was true, but somebody said they were trying to get as many union musicians on the payroll as possible...I wonder if they had a union boss "no show" cymbal player
Despite the bad reviews, I'd like to suggest that you men go and see the new Jen Aniston movie, and go drunk if possible...after 90 minutes in a dark room with Jen, you might start to think you have a shot...yes if your dream love is Jen, by all means, follow your dream...this and more in my new book: "True Love And Other Total Crap"
March 25, 2010
Studies of paintings of the Last Supper over the past 1,000 years have uncovered a trend...the portion size has gotten progressively larger...I understand evolution, but I don't like to see Judas with his bottle of Lipitor, you know?...call me a traditionalist...I went to one of these starving artist sales and asked for a Last Supper...they had one with the diciples playin' poker with dogs
Sam Sheppard is set to star in a new Butch Cassidy movie...um, wait, didn't they kill him and Sundance off?...the premise is that Butch survived the Bolivian shootout, but Sundance did not...I dunno if that works for me...I could however see Thelma and Louise driving triumphantly out of the canyon
Who died today?...Robert Culp, of I Spy fame, fell down and hit his head last week, and now he's dead...what a month for marginal, familiar tv faces...in the past few weeks we've lost Corey Haim, Peter Graves, Merlin Olsen, Andrew Koenig, and now Robert Culp...I feel like calling Colonel Petter (Harry Morgan) just to see if he's okay
We're not quite through with the Ocomom...she's in a PETA campaign to spay and neuter pets..."Don't let your pet become an Octomom!"...good fit...I wonder if someday women will have 8 hooters...I'm fine with that, as long as they have 4 butts
March 24, 2010
Catholic TV is going 3-D!!!...it's amazing...you d swear the Flying Nun is barnstorming right in your living room!
So Joe Biden dropped the F-bomb just before President Obama signed the health bill?...that's funny, so did I
He Lost On Jeopardy...but before he did, he made three appearances and won more than $36,000...Kristian Zoelhoff from Gilberts joined meon the phone this morning after his last show aired...he said you have to take two different online tests and attend an audition, but all in all, if you have the goods, it's easier to get on Jeopardy than Millionaire, or any other show where the game itself is easier...his final final jeopardy question was which states were admitted 39th and 40th...who's gonna know that?...well, he did, N Dakota and S. Dakota...but the two other contestants knew it also and he was toast...also, Kristian says he fought the urge to do his best SNL Connery" "Suck It, Trebeck"
White Man Tax?...the first thing to go into effect from the new health care bill is a 10 percent tax on people who use tanning beds...up 'til now the white man's burden was trying to look good in purple...now this
March 23, 2010
That's it, I'm going Amish...they are exempted from this mandatory health insurance deal...dost thee mock me?...ZZ Top beard and Quiltin' Bees here I come
Oh and a staffer told investigators that Michael Jackson's doc stopped giving Michael CPR and delayed the 911 call while he rounded up and stashed bottles of drugs...ahhhhh quality care in America...again, I'm going Amish
I watched Dancing With the Stars debut last night...I thought Chad Ochocinco was really good, but he didn't get good marks...Erin Andrews wasn't as good and got better marks..pity points I'm sure...you do know what Ochocinco means in Spanish right?..."hotdogging jackass"
And I was really rooting for Buzz Aldrin...but he looked like a guy waiting for a hip replacement...if he was looking to impress the ladies well, I'd have to say he's one astronaut who's not going to get any Tang
Hi Mrs. Obama...I like you...but I am not your child...I know you want children to eat healthier stuff and that's fine, but please don't outlaw the unhealthy stuff...responding to pressure, Lay's announced a plan to make their chips 25 percent less salty...in Ireland that would not go over so good...I played a clip of an Irish comic suggesting potoato chips replace the communion wafer..."body of Christ, once you pop, you can't stop"
March 22, 2010
Well they finally did it...Congress has officially taken away my right not to buy the crappy health plan at work...and did you see Nancy Pelosi rubbing it in with her oversize novelty gavel?...that was bad enough, but did she really have to do the splits and moon walk after she brought the hammer down?
Tiger gave an interview, talking sex with the Golf Channel...he also talked to the Sex Channel about golf
The cops paid a visit to the Long Beach home of Jesse James, who you may recall, has been romantically linked to a tatoo model...there was some sort of disturbance, which often happens when you've got idiots from TMZ in your front yard...I got a look at that tattoo model, and it's a big no thanks...Ed from Elgin says she's hot, but any body ink on a woman tells me she can kick my ass...again, no, thank you...Ed says hurts so good, I'm like, actually no, it hurts so bad
Matt Drufke paid his usual Monday visit...I've been without meat for 34 days of lent so I almost ate him...he is the only person I've met who is in favor of this health care bill...he has a crippling pre-existing condition...he's a Cub fan
Ozzie Guillen's son Oney did one of those Twitters and said the food at The Market, a restaurant owned by Sox GM Kenny Williams has 'the worst food in the city, hands down"...how bad could it be?...Pat Bruno of the Sun Times gave the place a good to very good rating (one and a half stars), and Pat will dock you one star for a soggy bun...I think the kid is spoiled...heck I took a bite out of Matt Drufke this morning and gave that one and a half stars
March 19, 2010
Headline in the Daily Herald: Who's Up For Quinn's Number Two?...Frankly, I've had quite enough of Quinn's Number Two
Now they're saying Jesse James had sex with that tatoo model on the Queen Mary...imagine how uncomfortable that was for Mary
Another day, another death of someone from our childhood...Fess Parker, gone at 85...he was Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone...back then you didn't hire actual Native Americans to play Injuns...you took the closest Jew and put feathers on him...so no Native Americans were harmed during the filming of Daniel Boone...but Ed Ames' agent was severely beaten
Everybody's all concerned about the cost of Eagles tickets...no worries...the Senate has proposed a public option
Had a great phone conversation this morning with Jarett Payton...we loved his Dad, of course, and now Jarett is a star running back with your world Champion Chicago Slaughter...Jarett grew up in this town and says he wants to do talk radio...I offered him a shot at coming and doing the whole show with me...stay tuned...and catch the Slaughter vs. Bloominton Sunday at the Sears Centre
March 18, 2010
It's mornings like this that make me glad I stopped drinking ten plus years ago...the day after St. Pats was just never good back then...you know that horrible unsteady feeling?...I used to call it the Shamrock Shakes
And speaking of beer, Miller-Coors is coming out with Batch 19, a high powered brew from a pre-prohibition recipe...most domestic beer is between 4 and 5 percent alc...this stuff is a solid 5.5...the special commemorative keg features a portrait of Mel Gibson berating a Jewish cop
A stunning musical loss...Alex Chilton, most notably of the Box Tops is dead at age 59..if you hear that name, and don't make an instant connection to his great music, I haven't done my job...Alex was part of the great Memphis music scene in the 60s and beyond...for quite some time I've been braced for the loss of people like Fats Domino, Jerry Lee Lewis, Chuck Berry...but this stuns me...he was way too young
Sandra Bullock has canceled plans to attend the British premiere of The Blind Side, citing family reasons...husband Jesse James (who had some car show on what was it, The Testicle Channel?) is rumored to have had an affair with a tatoo model...this all makes sense when you consider the "Best Actress oscar Curse"...Julia Roberts, Halle Berry, Hillary Swank, Reece Witherspoon and Kate Winslet also had breakups after winning....this curse is so well know in show biz circles that Tiger even used it on Elin..."honey, I was trying to win you the Academy Award"
Most unpopular piece of legislation ever?..could be...73 percent of Americans don't want the health bill to pass, but they say they're gonna ram it down our throats this weekend...meanwhile President Obama's Final Four is Kentucky, Kansas, Idaho and Virginia (four most likely to file a federal lawsuit that is)
March 17, 2010
Tiger will play in the Masters...and to show what a changed man he is, he plans to play the same hole over and over and over
Eagles are coming to Soldier Field June 19th...tix go on sale March 29...no fixed ticket prices, just voluntary contributions...after they come to your house and break your kneecaps
I played that awful 911 call that Cory Haim's mom made as he lay there not breathing...generally I don't like to do that, but the guy on the phone did not seem overly concerned and did not even talk clearly...is it too much to ask to get someone who can at least fake caring when your kid is dying?...the general consensus is that around here, 911 operators are pretty good...so if you're gonna drop dead, do it in McHenry County
We heard a bit of Tommy Tiernan, a brilliant Irish comic...when asked how many beers he intened to have, he said, " I don't really understand the question, can't put a number on it, maybe say, a small child full of beer"...great stuff...Happy St. Patrick's Day
March 16, 2010
That guy who stalked ESPN's perky field reporter, Erin Andrews, and made nude videos of her got a mere 2 1/2 years in jail...that seems like nothing, considering the premeditation involved in following her from city to city and making sure he got the hotel room as close to her as possible (does this guy have a job?)...I say along with the jail time, have someone stalk him, let say, someone who looks like Granny Clampett film him in the nude and post his corn squeezins all over the internet
I want to let everyone know about an impending alien attack...the space creatures have assembled in the middle lanes of rt 120 between Volo and McHenry...they have cleverly disguised themselves as blinking orange barrels...they to annoy us while we're awake and then kill us in our beds
Michael Jackson just signed a $250 million record deal...part of the deal is he has to stay dead for at least two more years
Elgin's D-46 plans to lay off over one thousand people, including Carolyn Gilbert...you may recall Carolyn, she was stabbed in the classroom by a 16 year old, lost her eye, did not sue, came back to work, and now, gets the boot...I am awaiting her answer to my invitation to come on the show and get a job from someone who knows how to show a little gratitude
Paula Abdul is close to signing a deal to host a new incarnation of Star Search...she has been very picky, turning down lots of offers, among them, one from PBS, to star in Antiques Roadshow: Faded Pop Star Edition...ordinary people bring in treasures like Milli Vanilli and Paula Abdul and an expert appraises them..."now see, this Paula Abdul is in decent shape, but you've got a lot of body hair, she's gonna need a wax, and here's another neat feature: pump three pina coladas into her and she'll sing Straight Up"
March 15, 2010
When they said time change, they weren't just talking about springing forward and losing an hour...I mean, time has no doubt changed...the whole show this morning is like one of those dripping watches in a Salvador Dali painting
Peter Graves is dead at age 83...he was in, quite possibly, the funniest movie ever: Airplane!..."Ever been in a cokpit before Billy?"'Golly no, I've never been in an airplane""Ever seen a man naked?"
I'm always about 16 months behind on movies...I finally saw The Hangover...loved it...part of the reason I loved it is I didn't know anybody in it (except the guy from The OFfice, Ed Helms) so I believed it was really happening...I think that's why The Hurt Locker won the Oscar with no big names and The Green Zone with Matt Damon bombed over the weekend...in fact, I think Ste and I would do better if you guys didn't know us...like if we tried to make like we were strangers trying to pick you up
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual...he had a great suggestion...let Blago go free with zero jail time, provided he never show his face in public again
Is it me, or is the census getting a bit fascist?...you can actually get fined or go to jail for giving false information...whaaa?...I hope there's a statute of limitations on this...back in 1990 I gave the name Turd Ferguson
March 12, 2010
Chatted on the phone this morning with 5 time olympic gold medalist, America's Skating Sweetheart, Bonnie Blair, who just got back from Vancouver...I got to know Bonnie a few years back when we worked an Alzheimer's benefit together...Bonnie lives up in Milwakee with husband Dave and kids...
Bonnie said part of the reason it didn't happen for Apollo was the "beast of short track"..I did not know this, but Bonnie said short track was not an olympic sport back in 1988 for her first olympics...she made a conscious decision to go long track, because it's more likely the best skater will win on the long track...she said the sport has suffered from fans not being able to see " a race",and you don't know the winner until you look at the clock...so tv is the reaason we have short track skating with all it's bizarre pratfalls and twists of fate
We also had some Irish themed fun with intern for the day and former Y1039 employee Patrick...we were talking about a guy in Crystal Lake who got sentenced to 4 years in prison for his 5th DUI conviction...when asked what he had to say for himself he said, "I like to drink"...and the judge got all cheery and said "and are you from old Kilarney then?"
Betty White will host SNL the night before Mother's Day...she will become the oldest person to host SNL, the previous record held by Ruth Gordon, who hosted at age 80 in 1977...actually it was a tie if you count SNL contest winner, and host of the 1977 Christmas show, Miskel Spillman, who also was 80...Betty is 88...she was on Jay Leno recently and joked that she was going out with the drummer from Coldplay...priceless
Oh and I'm thinking of going to see Alice in Wonderland this weekend...do you know where I could possibly score some acid?
March 11, 2010
Bad news... 40 percent of women aged 65 to 74 say they have not had sex even once in the past year...for women aged 75 to 85 that figure is 17...we're headed for a sexual Sahara gentlemen, and would you like to know why?...wer'e disgusting, that's why...I wouldn't sleep with me, would you sleep with you?...my socks and underwear have to actually be burned...Georgiann took some old ones out back and buried them and a stinky socks and undie tree sprouted up
The very first 3D tvs appear in stores this week...price tag $3,000...if you buy one you will see a startlingly realistic 3D view of your wife in your face, screaming...you'll reach for the remote, but oh, there's no changing this channel
Harry Smith got a colonoscopy on the CBS Early show yesterday as Katie Couric chirped, "Harry's colon is clean as a whistle!"...I think you'd actually have to kill me first, right?...Harry took it very well, and said the procedure was less anally invasive than dealing with the insurance company
Stew had a story about a school bus driver who flunked a drunk driving test...take it from me, those are hard to pass...although I did spend my college years cramming for mine
March 10, 2010
You absolutely must Tivo this...Harry Smith plans to televise his colonoscopy on the CBS Early Show...there was interest in airing it on other shows...ABC was considering making a pilot: Ugly Butty
I'm not a foodie...so I can't possibly predict the reaction to a NYC chef who is featuring a dessert made .of figs and cheese...human cheese made from his (hot) wife's breast milk...they say foodies might be offended, but as I said, I'm no foodie...I am, however, a Breastie
Lindsay Lohan is suing E Trade for $100 million for that brilliant commercial with the talking babies...the boy baby is having a video conference with his little baby girlfriend and she asks if that "milkaholic Lindsay" was there, and a little baby girl pops into frame, bug eyed, "Milk-a-whaaaa?"...funny...this suit has no chance...actually i think the baby should sue
The McHenry County Spelling Bee is tonight, and our own Stew Cohen, who did the hosting for years ,will once again sit it out, having been replaced a few years back...he's kind of the Bert Parks of the spelling bee...I know how it goes when you host a spelling bee for years and they want to make a change...in my case the
change came right after that kid asked me to use the word penal in a sentence, but hey, I just hope that tonight when some kid spells legend, they stand up and spell it S-T-E-W
Next time you're in LA, make sure and check out the new sushi place called The Hump...they serve whale blubber...oh no wait, the girl from the movie Precious just ate it all
March 9, 2010
The Wall Street Journal reports that Dish TV will soon do some test marketing on Google TV...this could replace the remote...just type in "disappointing" and your tv shows you American Idol
It turns out Rodney Acala, the convicted serial murderer was once on the Dating Game, and wom..."uh bachelor number one, if i was making out with my boyfriend in his car by the lake and you were lurking in the bushes in a hockey mask, what kind of hockey mask would you have?"
Joseph A Bank has an interesting offer...buy a suit this month, and if you lost your job between April and July, the suit is free...and that also come with free alterations of your genatalia..."you're gonna feel shrinkage, I guarantee it"
Just when it seemed this Toyota thing was starting to quiet down, along comes a story of a guy whose Toyota cranks up to 90 and can't stop, and he calls 911 and the cop helps him stop the thing...Toyota needs to face this head on, like Tylenol did, or the band is in serious trouble...and the sponsorships have to be perfect...I'd say the time might be right to get into NASCAR
March 8, 2010
I notice that the Cubs' print ads are calling this Season One...interesting idea...that the first year under the Rickets family ownership signals a fresh slate...I just hope it goes better than my first year with the rickets...oh and that first year with scurvy, now THAT was a party
They said don't miss the first 5 minutes of the Oscars or you'll miss the water cooler moment...so what do you get?...more Doogie Howser being gay with a little song and dance number...ummm okay
They said they were gonna streamline the show...so what do you get?...same old crap...wayyy too long
One of my favorite moments was the tribute to John Hughes...they assembled a collection of the now not so young stars of his teen angst films, like Molly Ringwald (looked great), Mathew Broderick (looked same as ever), Judd Nelson (looked scraggly and old) and Ally Sheedy (looked kinda sheedy)
Also on stage for the John Hughes tribute was Macaulay Culkin...he delivered the mandatory serious paragraph about how John respected him as a person, even though he was 9 years old...a nice touch might have been if he put his hands to his cheeks, just like in Home Alone, and yelled "Whaaaaaat? John Hughes is dead?"
Matt Drufke stopped in to take a bow for getting most of his Oscar picks right...one he blew was
Best Director...he thought James Cameron would get it, even though he said The Hurt Locker would win Best Picture...turns out Cameron's ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow won it for Hurt locker and looked amazing for 58 years old...how does she do it...according to Matt it's Cameron special effects
March 5, 2010
Today we had our first ever Big Oscar Extravaganza....with our regular Monday morning guest, local comic matt Drufke hanging out and hashing out all things Oscar...Matt says go with Jeff Bridges for Best Actor (I agree), Sandra Bullock for Best Actrress (I say Streep), Cameron for Director and Hurt Locker for Best Picture...should be a good show, with dual hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin...also look for Alec's daughter to receive a special Oscar as Girl We'd Most Like to Come Over There and Straighten Out
Matt also went out on a limb and predicted that Up will win Best Animated Feature...oh, and Don Rickles has signed on for the sequel: Up Yours
I saw some stunning pictures in the Sun Times this morning that were taken by a bird watcher...we see a hungry eagle going after a deer in a snow covered cornfield...the deer got away, but the eagle was quoted as saying '..so I didn't get a deer but.hey we drank some beer, I won my buddy's wedding ring in a card game, all in all it was a good weekend"
Talked to my longtime radio buddy, Mike in Burband CA... a mere 8 miles from the Red Carpet! Mike, you may recall, landed a speaking role in the new Jim Belushi movie, Mother's Little Helper, by answering an ad on Craigslist...he lost his job in radio and moved out west, and the acting thing has been working out well...he has been working a lot, making "just under $100" a pop as an extra in things like Bones, 24 and CSI...oh and one other show...Mike is hilarious...he hasn't been to the movies in 6 years...so he's describing a scene where he walks past this woman who's supposed to be some big star, what's her name...Love Jewitt or something...the show is called the Ghost Whisper...he really has no idea...so we'll be checking in with Mike from time to time, to follow this great Everyman story of an outsider in Tinseltown...that's what friends are for...he lost his radio job, so he's helping me lose mine
March 4, 2010
No matter how bad things get in America, I never worry, because I know there'll be a hockey team to come along and lift us out of the dumps...remember how the 1980 Miracle On Ice team lifted America's spirits at the height of the hostage crisis?...well things suck even worse now, and I for one am asking, where's my hockey team?...these clowns flat out let us down and I want them hunted down and horsewhipped...let's wake up and stop trying to improve our awful lives...let's focus on what's really important...developing a hockey team good enough to make us forget about our awful lives
I takes a lot to tick off us Irish Americans but they say Denny's has done it...there's a new commercial we'll probably never get to see where they tout Denny's pancake and French Fry festival as a celebration of 150 years since the end of the potato famine...smart, funny stuff...I can't believe that would actually offend anyone, least of all Irish Americans...I say bring it, bring on your combative Leprechaun mascots, call us anything you want, just don't call us late to happy hour
An Army Master Sergeant who claims the movie The Hurt Locker stole his story and his phrase (he claims to have coined the term, The Hurt Locker) is suing the film's producers...meanwhile our own Jeffey James is suing the producers of the upcoming film, The Snot Locker
There's a SNL dream team video on funnyordie.com featuring every good SNL president impersonator you ever saw, staring with Chevy (who actually looks like Ford now), Akroyd (Carter), Dana Carvey (Bush Sr.), Hammond as Clinton, Wil Ferrell as W, Fred Armisen as Barrack and Jim Carey as Reagan...it's reasonably funny, but it's sponsored by some advocacy group for banking regulation...not sure I like that...I mean, why can't funny just be funny?
March 3, 2010
Had a blast this morning with Jim from JP Jewelers in St. Charles...Jim is one of our fine sponsors, but also a true fan, especially of the music, having been the drummer in various bands back in the day...Jim is sponsoring a couple of exciting things coming up in St. Charles...first there's the big "sisters weekend", a grown up slumber party at the Hotel Baker in St. Charles later this month...also on March 13, Jim and Y103.9 will be in the St. Charles Saint Patrick's Day parade, the biggest and best in this area...if you go and have too much too drink and find the city closed for any reason, just remember I keep the key to the city that Mayor Don DeWitt gave me under the mat at McNally's
This is weird...Hollyweird...the producer of the movie The Hurt Locker has been banned from the Oscar ceremony on Sunday night...he sent out e-mails lobbying for Academy members' votes and that is a no no...if he wins though, he will get to keep the Oscar...one possible compromise was to let him attend the ceremony, but make him go from table to table diffusing bombs
Joe Walsh, who just won the Republican Primary and the right to face Melissa Bean for Congress in the Fall, is one of these Tea Party guys...well how's this for fiscal constraint...he stopped making payments on his Evanston condo in 2008 and the bank foreclosed, according to the Daily Herald...I can just imagine an actual tea party, with the campaign team standing around, sipping tea...and when they hear the news about Joe, I'm seeing a Jerry Lewis spit take...pffffffffffffffffft
I haven't been following American Idol too closely....I really was locked in on the Olympics, and i wasn't alone, both Tues and Wed performance shows last week got beat by the Olympics, which is a rare prime time loss..also, the Thur results show got killed, winding up in 10th place...so I tuned in Idol last night and everyone i saw was just awful...even Stew's pick to win it all, Andrew Garcia...he's bad...I think the talent pool is tapped and the show may be in trouble...of course it could be that the guys were not fully prepared, seeing as how they were going to have the ladies sing last night, and changed it at the last minute because Crystal Bowersox was sick...but i remember last year they forced a girl to sing, even though she might have had to wear a mask...so naturally I was watching for a girl in a mask, and saw one, but it turned out to be Adam Lambert
March 2, 2010
Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show last night...one minute into the monologue he does a downhill skiing joke about NBC going downhill fast....seriously, Jay?...ripping on NBC?...that seems like a drunk driver ripping the EMS crew cutting him out of his wrecked car
In less than two weeks we go back to Daylight Savings Time...I like having daylight at 6:30am this time of year, but no, back to darkness...also, all that extra daylight ruins the crops, I've been sayin' that for years
Bill Clinton (king of the doghouse) called Tiger Woods recently, according to a Clinton spokesperson, perhaps to recommend a good flea powder
Our fine website describes afternoon guy Jeffey James as :"legendary"...could they be talking about that Urban Legend of his?...something involving livestock, I believe
Jerry Brown (Linda Ronstadt's old flame) is running for California governor this fall, and at age 71, he's actually the favorite to win...the Green Party may give him some trouble, so the slogan is, "If It's Green, It's Too Mean, If It's Brown, Don't flush It Down"
The mandatory 80 year old on the new Dancing With The Stars season is the second man to walk on the moon, Buzz Aldrin...and he does plan to do the Moonwalk...he'll be the only Moonwalker WITH a walker
March 1, 2010
All is right with the world this morning....Neil Steinberg used my joke as his Today's Chuckle feature in his Sun Times column...I've had Neil on the show a couple of times before and I e-mail him from time to time...last week he did an amazing column about a local actor who has committed suicide...the column mentioned that this guy had written several joke that Neil had used in the column, so I asked if i could submit a few...he said sure, and looked over about 10 jokes I sent...he had his eye on one in particular, but thought he might get some bad reaction because it dealt with God...I e-mailed him back saying i understood completely and added, "what is is about God that makes people want to kill? I think it's that voices in the head thing...why to the voices always say kiiiiil?why don't they say love thy neiiiiiiiibor or tiiiiiiithe" (which is a joke I've used on the air several times)...he asked me if I had written that...I said yes...and without further comment he printed it today...sweet
So while I'm on fire, let's try another one...management here at the radio station gave us some good news...no layoffs or downsizing of any kind will happen here...the bad news is the new morning show sidekick is an Orca...on fire I tell ya...hey and even if the jokes suck today, Neil has given me a comedy get out of jail free card
And speaking of marine life, a Northern Australian town reports fish falling from the sky...this same thing has happened before, in 2004 and 1974...evidently, when conditions are right, in this case, tornado conditions, an upstream can take fish right out of the ocean and deposit them miles away...the timing was great here, because the forecast for mid week is scattered tartar sauce...okay, so that wasn't so great...but did I mention Neil Steinberg used my joke in his column this morning?
Elliott Yamin...remember him?...American idol guy from a few years back...was in Chile during the quake on Saturday and his Tweets got a lot of attention...his manager conned him into taking the gig down there by saying he was doing to Chili's the restaurant, not the country...did i mention about Neil and the joke and column? oh I did okay fine bye
February 26, 2010
Had a great time with local comic Dave Odd...this is the man who gave Matt Drufke his start...and they'll both be onstage tonight in McHenry at Corkscrew Pointe...and Dave is hosting another show at Duke's Ale House in Crystal Lake on Saturday night...check out www.theedgecomedyclub.com for details
Dave has some great takes on life in the 'burbs...like why are the superhero movies always in big cities...we need a suburban superhero...we need a dad in St. Charles to get bit by a radioactive squirrel while he's out spraying his lawn...Dave sees himself as Owl Man...he can see really good, and move his head every which way, and throw up rodent parts on would be bank robbers...which wouldn't stop them, of course...but he could lamely say, " I see you....um, stay in school"
ABC is now interested in a future Olympics...but they insist on introducing "ice dating"...if you don't get a rose they saw a hole in the ice and down you go
A couple of weeks back somebody leaked the Top 24 on American Idol...obviously an inside job...if they wanted to keep a secret here on the radio station, they'd just post it on that bullitin board next to your worker rights
Oh and here is Stew Cohen's guaranteed, super spoiler Top 10..in order!
10. Lee Dewyse
9. Michael Lynch
8. Michelle Delamor
7. Katie Stevens
6. Aaron Kelly
5. Crystal Bowersox
4. Did Benami
3. Casey James
2. Lilly Scott
1. Andrew Garcia
February 25, 2010
Akio Toyota issued an apology to Congress yesterday..."ahhh so sorrry about defective gas petal made by honorable American worker in To-ree-do"...actually I think they're made in Elkhart, but I wanted to say To-ree-do
Elgin may soon finalize the toughest pit bull law I've ever heard of...$500,000 mandatory liability insurance, 6 foot fences, warning signs and muzzles...I hear that some pit bulls are rather good natured...we live in a world where a good pit bull gets muzzled and Rob Blago walks around loose
A horrible tragedy...a killer whale trainer at Sea World drowns as the killer whale drags her under...what do you do with the whale?...Guy from Elgin says throw it on the grill...it's so hard to get good killer whale...it always comes out toothy
A guy in Irvine CA got treated by paramedics after a train hit him...he had injuries to his right hand, his left hand was already gone from having been hit by the same train two weeks earlier...authorities are stumped and so is he
The women hockey players just do not check...which explains those odd white things you see when they open their mouths
February 24, 2010
Had a great time this morning with J. T Newton, a local comic who actually used to work here at the radio station in sales a few years back....he's doing a comedy show Sat. night in McHenry at Corkscrew Point...look for J.T. on stage with Michael Blaise and Eric Gunther...reserve you seats not (815) 578-8360
J. T has enjoyed a great variety of experiences in show biz, like being in a horror movie many years ago with Adam West...at this point, said J.T. you were not allowed to put an African American man in a horror movie...it used to be, "okay Leroy, you get killed during the opening credits"
When I read that Akio Toyota (head of Toyota) was going to be grilled by Congress today, I thought they were being figurative...but no, they actually plan to put the man on a hibachi....a little wasabi sauce, mm that's good eatin'
Did you see that Olympic skater from Hollard who had the gold metal won, but got DQ'd for skating in the wrong land for the last 8 laps?...shouldn't they have a skate patrol? a guy on skates with a devo helmet with a cherry on top, "do you know why I pulled you over? yep, lane violation, now get going, you can still win the silver, but you'll have 2 points on your license"
February 23, 2010
Get well wishes for two grand old men of the Grand Old Party...Dick Cheney, hospitalized with chest pains, and Bob Dole, with pneumonia...the prognosis in both cases is Cranky
I loved the hard hitting action of the USA men's hockey game with Canada...but watching the Canadian women play Finland I noticed something missing, namely the hard hitting action...I'm not sure why, but women just do not do the body checking that men do...instead, they slowly destroy you with catty comments about your uniform
Andrew Koenig is missing...this was Kirk Cameron's sidekick on Growing Pains...he was last seen in Vancouver February 14...his real life father is Chekov, on Star Trek...I played a brief clip of Growing Pains...wow, that whole late 80s era just about killed the sitcom as we know it
Guess who's still out there doing great live comedy?...Tim Conway....and he's coming to Aurora, the Paramount Arts Center May 23 with Tim Conway and Friends...the friends are Chuck McCann, who you may remember as the crazy neighbor in the Right Guard medicine cabinet commercials from the 60s, "Mona!"...and Louis Duhart...I grew up watching Tim on local tv in Cleveland...later, I would watch Carol Burnett just to see him and Harvey Korman...my mission is to talk to Tim on the radio...it may not be easy to get straight answers out of him though...I saw a You Tube clip were he was asked the standard, "When you were young, who were your comedy heroes?' by some communications major..."I was never young, I was always like this, but I'd say Chaplain, and especially Laurel and Hardy stole from me, we're trying to get them into court, but you can imagine how hard that's been"
A house on a cul-de-sac with 4 bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths sold at auction for $100k...it had been abandoned for 2 years, and the bank did not want to pursue the forclosure...the market value should be $177k...it's hard to imagine home prices getting to where they need to be if you still have this type of buyer option even in the nicer neighborhoods...sure there was some water and mold damage, but that got cleaned up...oh and the rec room has a lovely walk in meth lab!
February 22, 2010
Bode Miller finally gets gold in the Mens' Super Combined...I smell an endorsement deal...."Budweiser: Breakfast of Olympic Champions"
And how about that USA hockey team beating Canada at their own game?...of course it wasn't on the regular NBC network, it was on cable, because the knuckleheads at NBC are convinced people will never watch hockey...I'm guessing NBC is going broke from such genius...menwhile Canada shouldn't feel too bad...they have the ultimate trash talk comeback..."single payer health care"
Elton John tells Parade Magazine that Jesus was a very intelligent gay man...I musta slept through that part of Sunday school...it is rather exciting to think that the gift of eternal life might arrive in a Gucci bag
Matt Drufke got it right...Tiger did not apologize to the people on Friday...he apologized to the money...he gave that angry speech (which he clearly did not want to make) simply so that he could go on earning as before...in our weird world the money does not come from a guy hitting a golf ball, it comes from the dream they're selling of being the guy who hits the golf ball...this is separating physical form (golfer) from essence (pitch man)...the very stuff of religion...so as a "religious figure", Tiger owed us all an apology, or so said the handlers...and the public needs to worship Tiger, so he will be forgiven, just like Kobe...but it will take time...I don't think the instant forgiveness rate for born again Buddists is all that great
February 19, 2010
It was Tiger Radio this morning...All Tiger All the Time...and rightly so...this apology promises to be the most notable ever...throughout the show I went back and revisited Apologies Greatest Hits...I played clips of Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Kobe Bryant and Alec Baldwin
Mel Gibson was candid with Diane Sawyer, and in the process, did not help his case, saying alcohol was the reason for his behavior, but weakly claiming that alcohol is no excuse...Michael Richards on Letterman, with Seinfeld sitting right there was really painful, because the crowd saw him nervously blinking and thought they were listening to Kramer...his career has never recovered
Then we get to Kobe...who had to deny a rape allegation, but admit to cheating....he had the wife right there, and he proceeded to re-enact something that happened behind closed doors, minus the woman screaming and crying...truly painful...and a regrettable precedent...I just don't think anybody who did what Tiger did owes me an apology...or even owes me the spectacle of him giving his wife an apology...did he behave badly? yes...did he break laws? no, I don't think so...unless the county comes and takes the kids, that's where the public's official interest ends
Finally, Alec Baldwin...he went on The View, saying the anger in the scathing message he left for his daughter was really meant for his wife...and that, he did not regret...he was smooth, and this was just a minor speed bump in his career...the dangerous problem here is that the less polished and more sincere an apology is (like Michael Richards and Mel Gibson) the less effective it is likely to be
February 18, 2010
There are a lot of things I miss about the 'good old days" of radio, but one I don't miss is having an outside consultant come in twice a year and tell you everything you're doing is wrong...back in the day, this one consultant told our newsguy to "relate" the news stories...for instance, don't just say "the BMV is closed on Monday", instead, relate the story by saying, "are you planning on getting your tags renewed on Monday, well think again, because they're closed"...it got really ridiculous, he started doing that on EVERY story..." does Audrey Hepburn owe you money? well, tough luck, because SHE'S DEAD"
Tiger will address the nation sometime around mid day on Friday...I bet he'll be nervous...I smell a sponsorship op....7 Eleven is looking to promote their Big Gulp
What does a conspicuous closed door meeting mean to you?...it generally means somebody's about to get fired...our State Senators met conspicuously behind closed doors in Springfield yesterday...I think they're gonna fire us...we're just not in the budget
President obama will have a sit down with the Dali Llama...China says this will damage relations...they plan to sell us lead based Kung Pao Chicken
Up against the Olympics and Lost, American idol will get killed, right?...um actually no...Fox had 23 million plus viewers on Tuesday night and NBC had 20 plus...ABC was happy with what Lost did, not getting killed as bad as they feared with 6 plus million viewers...I cracked up when I say what the CW got....86 mil...of course they were showing something like America's Funniest Homemade Surveillance Videos
February 17, 2010
We were talking yesterday about how any father who saw his daughter with her butt over some guys head as he rotated on ice skates would be inclined to come down to that Olympic venue with a shotgun and make an honest man out of him...well I did some checking and sure enough, in the former Soviet bloc countries, figure skating with a woman means you got yerself a common law wife, pal
Sarah Palin is all bent out of shape over Family Guy because they have introduced a character who is clearly her daughter (once she grows up) known as Down Syndrome Girl...most women i know are bent out of shape over Family Guy, mostly because if Family guy is on, their man will watch Family Guy...I noticed recently that if Family guy is on, it generally wins with me...perhaps this is a sadder comment on all my other channel choices than it is on Family Guy...Family Guy is show whose creators have clearly pressed the easy button... easy, cheap shots aplently with simple one dimensional characters...the show seems desperate to make every joke they can immediately, like every show was their last show...not surprising, since they've already been canceled twice...the Sarah Palin flap is exactly what they want...and since Fox hired them both, who's to say the whole thing isn't cooked up?
A guy who mints coins for Chile messed up...and nobody even noticed it for a year...on a coin featuring some generalissimo with nice wavy hair, the coin says Republica de Chiie, with tho i's and no l...come to think of it, it looks like the generalissimo is a Ch Ch Ch Chia head
American Idol blew it last night...they had a chance to advance a young lady named Shelby Dressel, whose fact, who can't use the muscles on one side of her face...she sang about as well as anybody else, but I think they just didn't want to deal with it...if someone is butt ugly, that's one thing, but if the problem is beyond plastic surgery even, you've got to go by talent...and she's not bad looking either...and was it me or later, on the same channel, they ran a commercial or public service announcement for some group that helps kids with bizarre faces, like Lemur Boy...they had a chance to prove that behind every face, there's a person, and they blew it
February 16, 2010
Chatted with Larry at Country Donuts in Crystal Lake...500 dozen Paczki will fly out the door on this Fat Tuesday...nice
My Unlce Hank was Polish...he was a giant of a man who had stormed the beach at Normandy...he just loved all that good food like Pierogies and Sausage and Duck Soup...he taught me a portion of the Polish Catholic mass...loosely translated, it reads: "Jesus, be my cardiologist"
Had a nice chat with John Michael Dias, who played Frankie Valli in the recent Chicago production of Jersey Boys..he and the other 3 boys will all be back in town this weekend, performing a special benefit concert for All About Kids at the Crystal lake Holiday Inn on Sunday....he got to meet and audition for both Frankie and Bob Gaudio...and here's the shocker...he was never once called upon to whack anybody
Is it a rule that pairs figure skaters have to be romantically involved?...it seems like most are...and the ones who aren't certainly have understanding spouses, partners etc....I mean if you're holding some other woman's butt above your head 13 hours a day for 4 years...things would have to be looking up at some point...you know?....I mean most married guys can't remember the last time they had a triple lutz
February 15, 2010
The Daytona 500 had something I've never seen...a pothole...right on the tack, a pothole, and they tried to fix it twice...I hate to see a NASCAR race turn into the typical Chicagoland commute...next you'll see toll booths at the pit stops...and old guys like Mark Martin will have the option of riding mass transit for free
A guy in Israel is on trial for having 23 wives...he had siupposedly convinced them all that he was omnipotent...I've got one wife and I can't even convince her that I'm the go-to guy when there's a spider in the tub
Matt Drufke returned to the show this morning...we could do a great Siskel and Ebert type movie show...he loves all current movies and I hate all current movies...he loved Inglorious Basterds...I thought it was not so much a movie as it was an ultra-violent video game....I guess I just don't like Tarantino...and I kinda go for historical accuracy when it comes to my WWII stuff...I even had troubles with Hogan's Heroes, so you can imagine I might have a few issues with guys cracking Nazi heads with baseball bats and shouting "Hey I just went yard at Fenway Park" ("going yard" did not become an expression for a home run until the 90s or so).. would it have killed them to use era appropriate home run jargon?...but enough, suffice to say I hated it
These Olympics are pushing the new NBC shows, and one is a Seinfeld vehicle that features celebs acting as "Marriage Ref"...I noticed Alec Baldwin was one of the guests...um, is he some sort of beacon of domestic tranquility? a guy who leaves a nasty message for an 11 year old daughter, threatening to "straighten her out"?" just asking
I saw the new We Are The World for Haiti video and kinda liked it...Jenifer Hudson is great...and I love seeing Tony Bennett....Vince Vaughn and Jeff Bridges are also in it...hey, why not Alec Baldwin?..."we're gonna come down to Haiti and straighten you out?"
February 12, 2010
Hey happy birthday to Abe Lincoln...oops, wait a minute..turns out this is birthday number 201..and everybody knows we only care about round numbered birthdays so...never mind
Speaking of presidents, Bill Clinton was rushed to the hospital yesterday for some fine tuning for his arteries...they put in some stents to widen them...this comes 5 years after his bypass operation...I gotta be honest, when I heard Bill Clinton had some cardiac trouble my first reaction was, "who's the lucky girl?"
You may not be too familiar with John Mayer...he plays the kind of music they play on stations aimed at people who really don't like music, who just want background music...well he did this Playboy interview where he described ex Jessica Simpson as "sexual crack cocaine"....bad form...oh he also used a bad racial word to describe his sexual distaste for black women...this is what happens when a) you think everybody's so busy looking at the pictures in Playboy that you can say anything and b) you get waaaay too much lovin'...if you are fortunate enough to have some hot woman be intimate with you, treat it like you just drew to an inside straight with everything on the table and hit it...don't even smile, you know what I'm sayin'?
Fun fill in the blank question for Valentine's Day..."if there's one thing I've learned about love it's___"...Stew says "painful"....I say "don't expect it"...and I'm talking to the gentlemen here....guys, we are all just spreaders of pollen...don't expect any more love than a bee gets from a flower
February 11, 2010
No earthquake today...did you have one of those pets who sensed it coming and woke you up just before...well that's just great, our dogs and cats can see one thing coming and one thing only, and it doesn't even hurt us, doesn't cause any damage, but oh boy, they are right on it...where was Fido when the 401K was tanking huh?...why didn't they warn you about that?
Intern for the day visit number 8 for Guy Clifford (the big red dog) and special guest Jeff Turner, who runs the Neighborhood Deli in Elgin...just as he did at Thanksgiving, Jeff is going to feed 700 plus people who could really use a good meal at the Hemmens on Sunday...it's called Have a Heart for Valentine's Day...hooray!..I get a bit weary of all this talk of love this time of year...greeting cards and flowers are fine...but feeding a hungry person truly is love
The City of Wheaton has decided to take action to curb coyote populations...and the way they plan to do it strikes me as inhumane...they're gonna let the road runner crop an anvil on their heads
American Idol may be introuble...now they're talking about Howard Stern as a replacement for Simon next year...if so, Ellen says she'll quit...with competition from Lost on Tuesdays and the ABC comedy lineup which includes Modern Family on Wednesdays I'd say this might be the year that they get beat in their own time slot at least once, which hasn't happened in a while...throw in the Winter Olympics for the next few weeks and you've got some real competition...oh and the Olympics will have a slightly different format this year...they'll still do the races, like speed skating, but instead of clocking your time, they'll have a snotty British jackass giving you a critique
February 10, 2010
What's shakin' Sycamore?...Oh nothing, except for a 4.3 earthquake...a fun show this morning with lots of phone calls and fun stories of howling dogs and shaning beds at 4:02a...seems like the entire listening area felt it..much stronger towards De Kalb obviously, reports of expolsion sounds were the norm in that area...but no reports of damage or injury...besides one story about a John Lennon statue sliding off the headboard and onto someone's head...."...imagine there's a tremor, it isn't hard to do"
Everyone who woke up said the house was shaking...which is fine, but if you go out to the living room and there's a short woman with a very small larynx telling you the house is built on an ancient Indian burial ground...well
Stew didn't even notice the quake...I was driving at the time, and also oblivious...about 10 years ago i was working in Evansville, IN and we had a slight earthquake during the morning show..I had a partner on the show named Diane...we had both been up all night doing a marathon benefit for a battered women's shelter...when the quake hit, Diane was on the mic giving an empassioned plea for money for the battered women and didn't even notice the light fixture swinging overhead, like we were on a ship or something...later she said she felt a slight shaking, but chalked it up to our boss walking down the hall (heavy set guy)...that's cold
You know, if you think about it...in America, even our earthquakes are fun events that hurt nobody...and all we do is gripe!
Lots of people are reporting the most shaking in their bedroom in years...again, Mr. Bright Side, that's me
February 9, 2010
The Scott Lee Cohen case just keeps getting stranger...now we hear that on the night of the ill fated election, the cops were called to the celebration at the Palmer House to investigate the theft of a $5,000 fur coat...Cohen decided not to run on Sunday after looking at rough drafts of commercials for his fall campaign..."If you vote for only one domestically abusive pawn broker for Lieutenant Governor, make it Scott Lee Cohen"
Sunday's Colts-Saints Super Bowl is now recognized as the all time most watched program, surpassing the final episode of M*A*S*H in 1983...the only thing that would have made it better for me would be if the NFL let Hawkeye say a proper goodbye to BJ
Some interesting things about the Michael Jackson autopsy results that were released yesterday...first of all, that whole business of Michael whitening his skin...well the vitiligo (disease that creates lighter patches of skin against darker pigments) was true!...also, Michael's head hair was "sparse"...he attached his real hairs to a wig..also he had his eyebrows and lips tatooed..also, the coroner determined that Michael's medication was mismanaged, which can't possibly help Dr. Conrad Murray, who faces an Involuntary Manslaughter charge
So Michael really did have a skin condition....so often it goes just like this...mean rumor gets out there and stays out there for years, then when the truth comes out it's like "oh well"...the truth barely gets noticed...like when the Northwest Herald buried that story about Stew NOT having a tail
February 8, 2010
Okay, so The Who's Super Bowl performance... well, um, not so good...but you can still be good at our age...look at Stevie Nicks last week on the Grammys...she was great, and Taylor Swift, who's like 19, was off key...still, The Who creates these false high expectations by calling themselves The Who...I mean when Paul and Ringo sing together (like they did last Spring) they don't call themselves the Beatles, right?...I think the thing I miss most with The Who is that destructive stage presence where they smash everything....maybe they could just lay their instruments down, go hop into matching 1988 Olds station wagons with the left turn signal on, and just slowly run over everything
Poor Marcie...this is her first radio job outside of Indiana, and nobody told her to stop wearing her Colts jersey...or putting up Colts proaganda on the door to the studio...or making cookies for our staff meeting with blue icing Colts horseshoes on them...she's definately hurting this morning, so treat her nice...or really grind it into her, either one
Scientists studied over 7,000 civil service workers for 25 years...the ones who said they were bored with their jobs had a 40 percent greater chance of dying before the 25 years had passed...so evidently, you can be bored to death....Al Gore will now have to wear a Haz Mat warning
Ah, Illinois politics....can someone tell me how NASA can send the Mars space probe with intricate calculations of speed and gravity and time right down to the nanosecond, yet, when we count paper ballots a second time, the result is like one thousand off our original count?...simple counting was mastered shortly after Neanderthal Man crawled out of the cave, but not in America...so Dillard and Brady are determined to count it again and fight it out on the Republican side for Gov...gentlemen, it's a primary, ok?...the second place guy should be gracious and give up for the good of the party
And on the Democratic side, the guy who actually won for Lt. Gov was talked into stepping down by the party honchos after the papers decided to put his domestic abuse allegations on the front pages the day after the election...hey, that story had been reported previously...the 18 percent of people who vote have other sources of info besides the paper...they voted...he won..now this...no wonder people don't vote...and Scott Lee Cohen's resignation speech yesterday was a tearful man flubbering classic...reminded me of how Stew cried when he heard they'd canceled Ugly Betty
February 5, 2010
There's a guy in Wheaton who has constructed a perfect replica of the Clark Griswoldmobile...and it's going to be in a Super Bowl commercial on Sunday, along with Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo...this thing is so real it comes with a dead Imogene coca on the roof
Had a blast with the Chicago tribute band 25 or 6 to 4 in studio...they do an amazing job with those chicago harmony vocals...and this was just the acoustic version...the full blown show with the horn section and everything will be Feb. 20 at the Arcada Theater in St. Charles
In between songs we were able to chat a bit about Chicago...Nick from the group had a brilliant take on why Chicago still hadn't been inducted in to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...he said the band members remained basically anonymous on purpose, choosing to promote the city instead...how true...not many people could pick say,Terry Kath out in a crowd...or Cetera for that matter...and when Cetera tried to establish his own identity he really lost the early flavor of the group...yes, Chicago has always been strictly blue collar. like the NFL guys who hide under their helmets, doing the heavy lifting, who don't get the props an NBA guy like Kobe Bryant does, just because you can see his face while he's working
There's a restaurant in Toronto that actually encourages couples to have sex in their unisex bathroom...to me that's just another place for Georgiann to say no...'not tonight honey, I've got an entree"
February 4, 2010
1Stew says the Tea Party may become it's own party...for now, it's comprised of Republican candidates who are tapping into voter anger over spending other people's money that they haven't even made yet...I remain skeptical about the possibility of a third (or fourth, if you count Green) party, and about the ability of any so called Tea Party candidate to get in office and then not spend other people's money that they haven't even made yet...it just seems like window dressing to me...also, I don't get the Tea Party analogy...what are they throwing into the bay...money?...nah...then what? please explain this to me
Tiger Woods may play golf here pretty soon...in the Accenture Match Play Championship March 15-21 in Arizona...good thing it's match play and not skins
Tiger plans to use nothing but his driver in the tournament, and plans to drive quickly and erratically...I smell endorsement deal...Toyota: Drive Like You Just Can't Stop
I had a wonderful interview with the Pied Piper of Woodstocik, Artie Kornfeld...Artie wrote the song and the book by that name...he was one of the key organizers of the original Woodstock festival in 1969...he'll be in Woodtock IL this Saturday signing the book, and making a special guest appearance at the Ohio (tribute to CSNY) concert at the Woodstock Opera House...
Among the gems Artie shared was the fact that Hendrix was the top paid act at $60,000..The Who got $15,000 and the others got between $3,000 and $10,000, even though with not much in terms of gate receipts he had to tell most all of them to take an IOU and wait for the film money to kick in...the film deal was struck mere days before the festival with a handshake...Artie was told documentaries don't sell, and he said well, disaster films do, and we could be looking at a real disaster here...a truly amazing story
February 3, 2010
Local contractor makes good...romance novel?...yep, loyal listener Dale Ostroski was on back in October with an impressive first effort as an author: Love's Second Chances...he returned today to tout his book signing on Saturday 12 to 4 at Barnes and Noble in Crystal Lake...go Dale
Now that Cheryl Jackson finished a distant third in her primary bid her office will now send me a mere 16 e-mails a day instead of the usual 39
That guy who walked into the Starbucks in Crystal Lake and threw hot coffee in the barista's face pleaded guilty yesterday...as part of his probabtion agreement he's allowed to go into a coffee shop, but with a disclaimer..."Um, Vente Cappuccino please, oh and caution: customer may be crazy"
I watched the big premiere of Lost last night...one scene they were back on the plane like back in Season One and everything was fine...next scene they were all bloody and screaming...the bald guy turned into a big hairy, smoky monster...I think the writers have just decided they can do anything, and it doesn't have to make sense...oh and good thng President Obama moved his state of the union speech...the initial plan was to have it last night and pre-emt Lost...one compromise plan had him popping out from behind a palm tree and saying "make no mistake, I'm lost"
The CBS brass wants to cut katie Couric's salary ($14 mil)...I think in order to justify that kind of cash you gotta be that person who the movers and shakers will talk to....you need people to say something to you that they wouldn't say to anybody else...I know Sarah Palin would tell her to go to hell
February 2, 2010
I saw where that Greek restaurant burned down in the city...I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often because when you go to a Greek restaurant it seems like half the menu items are served on fire...there's a Greek place by me, and everything's flaming, even the waiters
CBS said okay to the anti abortion commercial, but they said no to a commercial for a video game called Dante's Inferno, because at the end they say, "Dante's Inferno, Go To Hell"...they'll air it, but instead they'll say "Hell Awaits"...which could work for the abortion commercial too.."have an abortion, hell awaits"....or the latest Lindsay Lohan movie..."hell awaits"
Sandra Bullock may be the first actress to win an Oscar (for The Blind Side) and a Golden Raspberry, or Razzy (for bad film performance for Steve)...so far the biggest star to actually show up and accept a Razzy was Halle Berry, who won for Catwoman...she also received a Golden Hairball award for her performance
Although you'll hear that Woodstock Willie did not see his shadow, I know better...two words: tanning lamp
We carried the live feed of the Oscar announcements this morning...remember, this year they have 10 Best Picture nominess...and I STILL have seen none of them...of the 10: Avatar, The Blind side, District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Precious, A Serious Man, Up and Up In The Air....I'm really only curious about An Education, Hurt locker, Inglorious Basterds and Up...so that's my mission, to see those 4 by March 7...I think I'll need a line of credit
February 1, 2010
Did you the Grammys last night?...okay, is it me, or is Taylor Swift, like, not that good?...she did a duet with Stevie Nicks that bordered on painful
Nice surprise of the night was seeing Leon Russell, who is still recovering from neurosurgery
And they decided to put the Pro Bowl on at the same time...huh?...they always put it after the Super Bowl, but this year they decided to just turn it into an infomercial for the Super Bowl....the game was going on, with the best players in the league out there, but they barely paid any attention to it, focusing instead on the sideline interviews with the Super bowl teams...nice...oh and you know how you can't say Super Bowl when you're promoting some event or product, you know, they make you say the Big Game...well they don't let you say Pro Bowl either, they make you say That Useless Game
Matt Drufke stopped in and we vented a bit about politics...i saw a tv commercial for a guy running for something who said he's for creating jobs, so that was why he holds job fairs...um, excuse me, but job fairs don't create jobs...unless you employ people to park cars for 3 hours for minimum wage at the job fair...Matt chimed in with a commercial that he sees every 5 minutes for a guy who doesn't like wasteful spending...well then why is he spending so much on tv commercials?
Matt also had a whole lobster for the first time last night...he said that considering it's always the most expensive thing, and you have to actually condemn the thing to death and boil it alive, you'd think it would taste a little better
January 29, 2010
Jay Leno was on Oprah yesterday...when asked if he thought his firing was unjustified (after just 4 months in prime time) he said yes, absolutely...this, after he bitterly joked about not having enough time on his actual show...also, after saying he and Conan were friends, he was asked why he didn't call Conan after the 11:30/12:00 compromise was proposed, and he said he didn't feel it was his place to reach out to Conan...um sorry, but it's always the right time to reach out to a friend...something is not adding up here
JD Salinger is dead at age 91...he wrote A Catcher in the Rye....which most of us had to read in high school...a lot of us bought those bad cliff notes that said the book was about Randy Hundley running amok at Trader Vic's
I got up this morning (as usual) at 2:30a and saw the ESPN crawl that runs the scores had the Haiti info..about texting your donation to the Red Cross...seriously?...I guess they're assuming that there's a whole group of people who watch nothing but the ESPN crawl and they can't reach them any other way..I got news for them...insomniac gamblers don't care about Haiti
Got my longtime radio buddy Mike Reilley on the phone from LA this morning...he recently lost his radio job in Florida after 13 years faithful service...he answered an ad on Craigslist out in Hollywood ( he moved to Burbank and is living with his daughter) and now he has one brief line in a new Jim Belushi movie...in three days he went from.unemployed to movie star...he has an agent and everything...I told Mike he is living every 50 something guy's dream, and it's great when good things happen to good people...i said he's like Clarence, the angel from It's a Wonderful Life...and I'm Mr. Gower, the rummy who gets the seltzer and the bum's rush
Had Charlie and Edward in studio, talking about the 105th annual Norge ski jump competition this weekend...weather should be perfect for a change...charlie, it turns out, has reached out to Oprah to try to get her to convince the IOC to sanction women's ski jumping...I mean really...we don't let human women compete against men, but we do allow female horses to compete with the males...and guess what, the fillies win sometimes (like at the 2008 Kentucky Derby)...no women's ski jumping? please
January 28, 2010
Ah the State of the Union speech...the words tired, forced and staged come to mind...it's just such a bizarre ritual...get up clap, get up clap, or sit there and don't...one moment that begged for that bwah bwah Debbie downer music was when Obama was all like, "and we're gonna make sure that each and every gay person gets to serve in the military"...some applause, but cut to what looked like the Pentagon's Joint Chiefs of Staff frowning as if the President has just stolen their newspaper off the front porch (bwah bwah)
While I'm on the subject of politics...and just for the record I'm sick of all of them on both sides...show me one that doesn't get in there and spend money they don't have...show me one...anyhoo this guy Joe Walsh is running for Congress in Lake County...the real Joe Walsh hired a lawyer to tell this guy he can't use a Joe Walsh song as a fundraiser...odd, don't you think, that a guy running for lawmaker would be unaware of copyright laws?...on the ohter hand, he may be exercising fiscal constraint by using music for free..after all, they say he's a tea party candidate...which may only mean he's so cheap he re-uses other people's tea bags
The show that's set aboard a big gay spaceship, Ugly Betty, has been cancelled by ABC...the finale comes in April...I think they could have done the same show with the same stories, same characters, same everything and it would still be around if they'd called it Hot Betty...Hot being ironic, but Hot sells...and oh the theme song...."Ohh Hot Betty, bam de lam, ohh Hot Betty, bam de lam
Steven Tyler gave an impromptu in store concert over the weekend at a Home Depot Store in Rancho Mirage CA...he even got silly, singing with helium voice over the store's PA...when Joe Perry said last week that the band was seeking a replacement lead singer we feared the worst...all they'll say is Tyler is headed for rehab for painkillers...so why the free show?...just to prove he's still alive, maybe...but I smell endorsement deal, and not necessarily with Home Depot...two words: Viagra commercial..."Hi I'm Steven Tyler, when you get to be my age your hardware can turn to software"
January 27, 2010
A papal biographer writes what many have long suspected...that the late Pope John Paul carried a belt which he used to flog himself...the author is making the case for sainthood...I'd say he has as good a shot as anybody at sainthood, and a genuine good person...but at what point does whipping yourself go from good deed to masochism?...and can you see a Pope confessing to masochism?..."I have sinned, I whip myself with a belt, and I like it"..."okay, that'll be five Hail Marys and don't whip yourself forty times"
It took scientists almost 14 years, but they finally have decided that the world strongest wind did not happen atop Mount Wahington in New Hampshire in 1934, a 242 mph gust, long thought to be theworld record...they now say that a 253 mph wind actually happened in Australia during a cyclone in 1996...the thing that blew third worst also happened in Australia...it was that last Crocodile Dundee movie
There is some controversy regarding a Super Bowl Ad featuring Florida U. quarterback Tim Tebow and his mom...CBS okayed the ad, despte the fact that it is from a conservative advocacy group against abortion...Tim recalls his mother's decision to carry him to full term despte being warned of medical complications and being advised to have an abortion...it doesn't seem controversial to me, maybe because it plays on our eternal optimism; theat every kid will be special...somebody could now run an ad with a grainy black and white Charlie Manson..."attention pregnant women...you could have the next Charlie Manson in your uterus"...see now, that would be controversial
January 26, 2010
A Chicago area teen, Lauren McClusky, is in a legal struggle with McDonald's over the use of the word McFest to describe her annual Special Olympics fundraiser...McDonald's claims they own the word, and they'll probably squash her like a McBug, but i would think there might be a gray area here...I mean the Mc part is her name too...I was in a legal thing once with a national furniture manufacturer...I said they stole my very essence to name their product...Lazy Boy...I was gonna sue them, but I blew it off
Viola Lennon has died...she founded the La Leche breastfeeding advocacy group at a time when breastfeeding was out of style...she also had a bit part in the 70s move, Mother, Jugs, and Speed
The last surviving member of the original Bonanza cast died on Sunday, of cancer, at age 81...Pernell Roberts played Adam, and also, Trapper John MD...he quit Bonanza in 1965, complaining that the scripts were just too lame...they really were lame weren't they?...I mean what's up with the Ponderosa curse for women...any female who set foot inside the place met with a grizzly death....and the way they explained how different Joe Hoss and Adam looked..."it's because you all have different mothers son, and yes, they all met a grizzly death"...oh, and Hoss, when I met your mother, I was really drunk"
Favre says it's "highly unlikely" he'll return next year...arrrghhhhhh...let's just put a stake through his heart and be done with it
District U-46 plans to slash their budget by 10 percent for the coming school year...it's gotten so bad they're going to start charging for wedgies, sparkies, wet willies, and swirlies.
January 25, 2010
A British tabloid reports that Brad and Angelina have paid a visit to a top divorce lawyer...one possible sticking point would be the kids...she gets half the kids in the third world every other weekend
President Obama has been summoned for jury duty right here in Chicago...he may just have other pressing matters though...too bad, I would have liked to see him on a jury...of course if he said guilty and had a super majority, he'd probably still blow it
Sam's Club plans to lay off 10,000 people...sign up for your club card now and for a limited time they'll lay off 17,000 people!!!
Illinois might become a back license plate only state...I can't wait to put my Dale Earnhardt confederate flag front plate on!...which will go nicely with my Yosemite Sam "Back Off" mudflaps
If I die, Matt Drufke will be the go-to guy for all info on Jim...that's what we agreed today...also I agreed that if Matt dies, I will cremate him and throw his ashes in the eyes of his enemies
January 22, 2010
I love my new studio computer here at work so much I actually sent it a text last night..."you log off first, no you log off first, no you, no you tee hee"...I think I'm really head over heels here...I messed up yesterday though...I drove it to yoga...you know, people talk...."is that a hard drive i see on Jim's passenger seat?"
Tiger has checked himself in to sex rehab in Mississippi...I was in Mississippi for catfish rehab...you might think it an odd place to go for that, but I'm like hey, right into the belly of the beast, let's face this thing...I came out okay though...no more tell tale tartar sauce in the corners of my mouth at the office...yeah, life is pretty damn good
As you may know, I spend my spare time reminding people that I am a big celebrity...they're all like, what? you are/..I'm like yep...how else could I have gotten a big 700 bucks for my 1988 BMW 325i last year...celebrity cache baby...now check out Rex Grossman, who is now a back up QB for Houston...he's taking a $700,000 bath on a Trump tower condo he bought in '08...so he's got anti-celebrity cache...also legend has it the place is haunted...late at night when everything's quiet and you order a pizza, it gets intercepted
Dorothy Brown is running for Cook County Commish...she now finds herself caught up in a hubub about charging her staff money for a "jeans day"...there are questions about where the money went...I can't imagine having to pay for a jeans day...i would however pay gold ingots for a culottes day
January 21, 2010
Scott Brown, the guy who just won Teddy Kennedy's Senate seat, has "a past"...he appeared nude in Cosmo back in 1982, while he was still in law school...he doesn't seem to want anybody to forget it either...during the campaign he said federal spending was bulging out of control and he planned to cut it to the bone
It's now official Conan is out...and through this whole thing, some of the funniest stuff has come from Dave Letterman...he did this produced piece, documenting the various times Jay Leno has "stolen the Tonight Show"...even super imposing Jay's body over Jack Paar, talking to Nixon in black and white...he must be getting to Jay...last night Jay commented on how Dave was making fun of him....Jay's joke was, if you want Dave to ignore you, just marry him...oooo...personal...very out of character
I'll be lending my hand to the Chicago Helps Haiti effort with Hewitt Associates and the Red Cross...all of the Chicagoland media outlets are participating...you can call anytime between now and 11p to make your donation at (877) 565-5000...I wanted to get Lovie Smith involved...I'd call it Lovie For Haiti
A 63 year old woman was arrested in Buffalo Grove for prostitution...good news for her patrons...you can sure plead insanity
January 20, 2010
American Idol last night was just sad...I was so pumped for the Chicago auditions, thinking we'd have a kid from the 'burbs whose Mom we could stalk for a few months, but no...and their attempts to have another Pants On The Ground were just lame...the soldier from Pittsburgh who sand Tiny Tim...ugh
Here's a chance to meet the Pied Piper of Woodstock...Arte Kornfeld, the guy who organized the original Woodstock festival in 1969 will be signing his book at the Woodstock Opera House Feb 6...also on stage that night, Ohio, the CSNY tribute band...it's all part of the Woostock Opera House tribute series, which kicks off Jan 30 with Cathy Richardson's amazing Janis Joplin tribute...on Feb 13 it's Creedence Again...on Feb 20 it's Alan Kaye Mad Dogs and Englishmen, a Joe Cocker tribute...on Feb 27 it's Boney Fingers, a Grateful Dead tribute band...get tix at 815 338-5300
Gov Quinn and Dan Hynes did their Democratic Governor's debate last night on channel 7...Dan Hynes is the State Comptroller, and I would not brag about that, because as we all know, the state currently out of comptrol
The Gov debate was sponsored by the League of Women Voters...as the yet to be named head of the yet to be formed League of Men Voters I say raise participation by putting the ballot box inside the Circle K, next to the beef jerky
Simon Cowell has now been given his own company by Sony, which could personally net him $One Billion in the next 6 years... this would put him in Oprahville...Oprah is work $2.7 Bil...the company will be called Syco...seriously...which you pronounce wither psycho or sicko...either way, I gotta think Paula will be involved
January 19, 2010
A Wonder Lake couple had their lives saved by their cat, who jumped on the bed to wake them up when their house almost burned down...we tell you over and over again, every spring and fall, change your blocks but don't forget to put fresh batteries in your cat
Jay is trying to make the peace...he wound into this long explanation of how things got so bad last night...he arrived at the moment when he asked to be let out of his contract and was told by NBC brass that he was "too valuable an asset"...even ;though he'd been basically fired twice...the 500 pound gorilla in the room is the possibility of Dave, Jay and Conan going after a dwindling audience at exactly the same time...this is what everybody was trying to avoid, but it's so gonna happen
An off duty Chicago cop was in a scuffle outside Gibson's the other night and got his nipple bitten almost entirely off...I thought these types of things only happened in teen vampire movies
A 150 pound goat in California tried to bust his way into a closed strip club...we're talking an actual goat here...when I saw the headline I thought they might have been talking about Sam Zell
Brett Farve spontaneously broke into a chorus of Pants on the Ground during his locker room pep talk on Sunday...yes, Pants on the Ground is a hot commodity...fianlly, something Tiger can actually endorse
January 15, 2010
Conan backlash?...based on my conversations with you guys this morning, you've had it with Conan...and the latest rumor is that next Friday's show will be his last...also, it looks like NBC will play hardball, pay him off, and keep him off the air for years...Conan say, "...if they want to make sure nobody sees my show, just keep it on NBC." Jay says, "...Conan's ratins have been good lately...you're wecome"
Another guy you've had it with is that Sully Sullenberger, the guy who landed the plane on the river...go away already...here's a guy who showed he was merely competent at his job, but what he did happened within a half a mile of the Today show so he's flipping the coin at the Rose Bowl? please...and if he's humble like they say, wouldn't he just say no, I'm not doing your event, start worshipping somebody else...but no, he's getting on planes, getting fed and lodged with girls peelin' him grapes and fanning his fanny...hey, I offer people a sensible, musical alternative to the Today Show...where's my parade?
You want a real hero?...how about Jeff Turner, the owner of the In the Neighborhood Deli in Elgin...he's dipping into his own pocket to present a special meal for the homeless at the Hemmens on Valentine's Day...go Jeff!...I think he should call it, Eat Your Heart Out
January 14, 2010
More brilliant Conan...who by the way is becoming the hero of this little late night passion play...he did a skit with "Kenneth the Intern" from 30 Rock, who was leading a tour group through the studio during the show..."one fun fact: it took NBC longer to build this studio for Conan than he wound up using it"...Go Conan
Sad loss...Teddy Pendergrass, dead at age 59...since 1982 he's been in a wheelchair, and this is something he never let define him or deter him...a monster talent who deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Marvin, Stevie, Ray, Smokey and J. B.
What's a major tragedy without some knuckleheaded commentary by Pat Robertson?...Pat said that long ago the Haitians approached the Devil and begged him to free them from the French, and the Devil said "okay"...wow, I never heard that one...see, all this time I was thinking the Devil went down to Georgia to play for Johnny's golden fiddle
Nice wacky moment on American Idol last night....they let a really old guy audition for some reason...he had a nice, silly song about "Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground"...the guy called himself General...this may refer to his status in the fried chicken mlitary, which has its own nomenclature...Harlan Sanders made Colonel, maybe this guy made General...myself, I'm Second Looie of Fried Chicken
January 13, 2010
My open letter to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Committee is set for publication today at Kent Kotal's forgottenhits.com website....here's a direct link forgottenhist60s.blogspot.com I'm about to embark on a multi city mouse signing tour
Go Conan Go Conan...the man will not follow Jay anymore...good for him....when he came on last night he got a lot of applause and told everybody to quiet down, saying he may not have much time left...as a child, he said, he dreamed of someday hosting the Tonight Show for like, 7 months
Is it me, or is Simon nicer without Paula?...on lastn night's season opener, he gave a thumbs up to the surly kid who sang House of the Rising Sun...everybody else turned him down...he told some poor girl she should give up singing, saying "I might want to fly to the moon, but I can't:..and then said, "hey wait a minute, I bet I can"...and it's true, with his money he could join the space race...so money DOES buy happiness?...hmmm okay, we'll I'll be
Ringo turns 70 this year...he's on the cover of USA Today today...he's also got a new album out, and it's getting some decent press...Joe Walsh, Paul, Richard Marx and Van Dyke Parks are involved...love the title...it's called Y Not
Google may pull out of China...they say China tried to hack into Google to get at the e-mails of thousands of human rights activists, but were unsuccessful...Google is also fed up with Chinese censorship...I'm guessing that using the computer in China is like being at work all the time...do they even have chinese porn?...type in chinese porn here and you get a guy named Mao Tse Tounge
January 12, 2010
It turns out the Amish will be exempt from fines for not having health insurance...there's my out!...i have been thinking of going Amish for quite some time now, just for the fashion upgrade
Simon is officially quitting Idol next year to launch his new X-Factor show, and he says he'd like to work with Paula again...arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!...well, I guess she is America's Drunk Chick Next Door
Sarah Palin has singed on to be a contributor to Fox News...I heard she'd have to start by getting Hannity coffee and hanging banners for Beck
Big Mac admitted to using steroids yesterday...and he did it so tearfully that people are now saying he injected steroids into his tear ducts...this is exactly the type of rumor that kept Susan Lucci from winning a daytime Emmy for all those years
A British tv show is paying some terminally ill person to get mummified...that's a wrap
Conan is weighing his options...he said he may just televise his colonoscopy, calling it "Project Funway"...go Conan
January 11, 2010
First it was Chinese lead in toys...now it's a toxic metal called cadmium that's being found in children's jewelry made in China and sold in the US...you can even get it with extra MSG...delicious...and deadly
Jersey Boys ended their 2 1/2 year run in town yesterday...they were gonna go 5 to 10 but they got off for good behavior
American Idol starts tomorrow night...will Ellen fit? will Simon split? will Paula be found face down in the Haagen Dazs?
Kent Kotal has this great website I've tlaked about a lot...forgottenhits.com...Kent says he plans to be the first to publish my "Open Letter to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame board", which argues the case for Chicago, Neil Diamond and The Monkees to be inducted...I researched it very carefully...you should check it out
Matt Drufke stopped in...he said that if I died suddenly he would carry my essay to the RRHOF personally
An industry insider says that porn will drive a 3D home video boom this decade, just as it drove the VHS boom in the 80s, the Dish boom in the 90s, and the Web tv boom this past decade...a 3D system called Bad Girls on Demand (or some such thing) will run you $4,000...what guy that I know can spring for such a thing?...I think I'll stick with my black and white daugherotypes of ladies in pantaloons
January 8, 2010
Go figure...yesterday just about every school in McHenry County was closed...today the snow is about the same and nothing...I was telling Stew they all panicked when they heard our forecast...he must feel drunk with god like power...what he should do now is strap on a toga, start mashing grapes with his bare feet and shout "
I have no need for your God of the Israelites nuwah ha ha"
Today would have been the Elvis 75th birthday...we played a lot of great forgotten Elvis stuff all morning...I really enjoyed the article in today's Sun Times entertainment section about the 1972 Elvis concerts at the old Chicago Stadium...tix cost $3.50...$10 for the good seats...this was a lot of money back then...the average US worker made eleven thousand bucks a year
You know what bugs me?...these search engines...you type in "75 Greatest Elvis Songs" and it spits out all these sites like, "75 Greatest Elvis Songs Viagra Buy It Now Now Now!!!!!!"...I'm a Yellow Pages guy...if you look up Plumber in the Yellow Pages you don't get...Plumber Viagra!!!!!!...if you did though, you'd sure have a clean drain pipe
Another thing I hate...duh headlines...headlines that make you go well duh...like, More Sex Good For You...um duh...unless they mean it with a comma like...More Sex, Good For You!...my probem is it's always bad for somebody else
Jay will move back to his old time slot and Conan will come on afterwards, or Jay will be outright canceled...what?...that's the rumor...and last night Jay addressed it in the monolouge...he said, if canceled, he'd have some time to travel..."I understand FOX is very beautiful this time of year"...go Jay
January 7, 2010
Today was one of those fun snowy days...complete with requests for (and playing of) Watch Out For The Yellow Snow by Frank Zappa...it's the kind of day that makes me proud to be a part of the station with the best doggone Fox Valley closing and cancellation information...way to go Stew!
The Geneva Rotary Club has a unique fundraiser...they are going to tie a timer to a rock and place it on the ice on the lagoon by the river next to the Mill Race Inn...you buy a raffle ticket and guess the exact date and time the rock eventually falls through the ice...I'd say mid May
Jersey Boys ends it's legendary 57 month run in town on Sunday...big finale planned...they're actually gonna whack somebody!
We talked a bit about Mariah Carey's drunk acceptance speech...Stew often goes to affairs where he's up for an award, and might not win, and never drinks...historically, I only show up if I'm guaranteed of winning an award...and then I make sure I drink in the car
January 6, 2010
Ron Turner is toast...and the odds on choice to replace him as Bears offensive coordinator is a mild surprise...it's newsman Stew Cohen...surprising since he's neither offensive nor coordinated
Tiger Woods has surfaced after two months out of the public eye...he's been hanging at the Trump Hotel in NYC...and yes, he was hiding in Trump's hair
Consumer Reports checked out several infomercial type products and rated them...among the ripoffs are those veggie bags; they say stuff still rots in them...also they say The Snuggie is not so snug, and actually sheds when you wash it...oh and this is wild....they found that Billy Mays was actually a really really ugly woman (crickets)...what? too soon?
Oh and Consumer Reports also found out that The Clapper has the clap
A newspaper in Britain claims that the new state of the art airport scanners violate child porn laws...oh great...have you seen what those things show?...pretty much everything...in fact I walked through one and they asked me to remove my fanny pack...I had to tell them it was my love handles
January 5, 2010
Another holiday leftover...did you hear the Pope had midnight mass at 10p because he didn't want to stay up?..I knew something was up when instead of a chalice he was holding a thermos
President Obama has made history by appointing the first transgendered person to an administration post...I saw the pic of Amanda Simpson and I gotta say, great job on the surgery...I certainly don['t ever want to make fun of anyone who has had to make this tough decision about their gender...and I think more guys will do it if they know they won't come out looking like Marty Feldman in drag...there have been times in my life when I would have turned myself into a hot chick just so I could wake up with a hot chick
Job satisfaction is America is way down...45 percent say they get satisfaction on the job...it was 49 percent last year and 61 percent within the past few years...it's the usual reasons: less take home pay due to medical expenses like insurance etc...how do we get that satisfaction rate up?...two words: Poledance Fridays
Barry Williams is in some legal brouhaha with a former livein lover/employee...he says she wileded a knife, she says he made that story up because he sensed a palimony suit comin'...I think Pa Brady needs to sit 'em down..."you know Greg, words AND knives can hurt people"
January 4, 2010
Hey, great to be back...I missed you guys...weird start to the New Year...Baby New Year shows up with an improvised bomb in his diaper
Did you see thsoe crazy people doing the Lake Michigan Polar Plunge on New Year's Day?...I did something crazier than that...the Bipolar Plunge
Who would anybody want to punk Van Morrison?...somebody evidently hacked into his website and spread the (untrue) rumor that he had sired a child with some woman named Gigi...this reminds me of the time somebody hacked into our station's website and I had to get on the air and explain how some of those horses I was romantically involved with were actually live
Drove to Tennessee for Christmas in that ice storm...saw a bunch of signs downstate..."Joe Walsh for Congress"...I hear he's gonna debate Molly Hatchet
Matt Drufke stopped in...it seemed like a year since I'd seen him...so far he's still working on his New Year's Resolutions...among them is having confetti come out of his butt every time he passes gas...that's a good one...
my one resolution is still intact, four days and counting...and that is to insert the words "tick tock" every time I ask a favor...as you can see, my resolution is to get witch-slapped 15 times a day
December 23, 2009
The last show of the year...and the decade...and what a fun one...9 year old Danielle and her brother, sister, and best friend, along with Mom Vickie stopped in and performed a few songs for us...this young lady is an amazing talent...I feel like we're giving her a debut, and some day we're going to hear big things about her
I really have to tell you though, I started the day a little frazzled....yesterday I was in this great mellow holiday mood...today I'm all like, "an ice storm's coming, I'll never get everything done, Christmas is hell and we're all gonna die"...people compliment me on my wonderful Christmas spirit when they see the reindeer antler on the hood of my car...actually it's from a deer I ran over and haven't had the time to scrape off
And Herman came back and put some more RAM in the computer so I can blog much faster...thanks Bro!
And so we bid goodbye to this rotten decade where we lost our first spouses, our hair, our teeth, our 401ks and most of our civil liberties...all we've got is each other...let's make the most of that...thanks for listening all year and we'll see you right back here on Jan 4th
December 22, 2009
Our intern for the day was Alex Krautstrunk, a sophomore at Lincoln College, whose Mom suggested he come in and hang out...Alex made it in,despite the snow...one word for saving th U.S. auto industry: Zamboni....build it, and they will come
Alex has a radio show on the college station down there...he also plays trombone, and get this...they actually share trombones, even mouthpieces....arrrgh...I told him that familiar smell of trombone mouthpiece is the smell of the world's most effective chick repelant
We had a story about a woman who went berserk at a department store fragrance counter, trashing the whole case...I'm guessing the clerk, without even asking, splashed her with the latest designer fragrance...Eu De Trombone Mouthpiece...Wear It....And Be Geeky
Huge pot bust in Huntley...they were trying to hide the pot with onions in a semi truck....this is bad news for glaucoma sufferers...I think even if I had glaucoma, I still wouldn't smoke pot...I could just see myself walking in to a seven eleven, all paranoid..."Dude, everybody knows I have glaucoma
A small victory for airline passengers...a new federal law says that they can't keep you in a plane for longer than 3 hours...it's remarkable, because it seems like lately all they're doing is taking away civil rights...Stew and I remember the good old days of airline travel, back in the days of 4 course meals and semi-naked pillow fights with the stewardesses
December 21, 2009
Add 32 year old actress Brittany Murphy (Clueless, 8 Mile) to the long list of show biz people who died in 2009...she died of a massive heart attack on Sunday, and nobody is jumping to the conclusion that it was drug related at this point...I was watching the year-end montage tribute to the fallen stars of 2009 on Turner Classic Movies over the weekend, and I couldn't believe how long it was...one name trying desperately to avoid the list in my in studio computer, but it's day to day
Somebody robbed a bunch of backpacks and tv screens from the Salvation Army in Elgin...I've always felt they needed other branches of the Salvation military service for added protection...like a Salvation Navy and Salvation Marines...maybe they need a commando unit, like a Salvation Green Beret
Some legislator from Maine wants to put warnings on cell phones, saying they may cause brain cancer...I would think that correlation would be harder than every to prove now that everyone has them and not everybody is dropping dead from tumors...I used to use the cancer risk as an excuse for not having one, but now Georgiann says there's a greater risk of getting tuberculosis from using a pay phone...touche
Matt Drufke stopped in for an extended Monday visit and we really Andy Williamsed it up...lots of great Christmas tunes from a mix CD Matt made for me, and lots of great Christmas stories....we got to talking about how many popular brands died in 2009...Pontiac, Encarta, Saturn, Kodachrome, Circuit City and Gourmet Magazine...in fact I saw the editor of Gourmet Magazine strumming a guitar and singing, "Nobody Knows the Truffles I've Seen"
December 18, 2009
Computer frustrations no more...Herman came in, all the way from Poplar Grove and fixed a bunch of stuff...the computer now has a quck mouse, no more pop ups, and makes me waffles
You know how they make those cutsie names for famous couples by taking pieces of the two names and combining them, like Brangelina?...If Stew was dating Natalie Portman they'd be Stupor
Jenifer Jones, who won the academy award for her role in the movie, Song of Bernadette, has died at the age of 90...i loved that movie as a kid...it's about the French peasant girl who saw the Virgin Mary and nobody believed her...that's because she didn't see her in a grilled cheese sandwich
Special thanks to tom from Studio 2015 Jewelry for popping in as we finished off the list of 103 Kids of Christmas with the Salvation Army...Also thanks to Tom and Lucy from O' Connor Leetz Funeral Home for their amazing support...thanks to everyone who offered to shop for a kid...you guys are THE BEST
December 17, 2009
Computer frustrations to start the day...I was talking about Tiger and the page just went away...yesterday I asked for technical help and Herman said he could come and take a look tomorrow morning...cool!...later, I got the thing going again and I was on a page with Nancy Pelosi's face on it...it turned blue, then red, then it grew devil horns and a beard...turns out the computer was fine, I was just on Drudge report
I loved this headline today" Playboy Buyer Backs Out...I'm reminded of the times I walked into the drug store a Playboy buyer-to-be...only to back out
How bad was this year?...Ben Bernanke was Time Magazine's Man of the Year...ouch
As we enter marathon mode (2 days left) in our Salvation Army 103 kids of Christmas campaign I took a moment to read "Christmas at Aunt Ida's House"....a brilliant rememberance of post WWII childhood Christmas written by a guy who's pretty much the Mike Royko of Cleveland by the name of Dick Feagler...it's a very emotional tale that concludes with the words..." the people we love (who have died) are closer than ever at Christmas, they come back to bring us the gift of eternal life"
Did you have the kid's table at Christmas?...you know, a card table in the living room that you sat at 'til you were 40?...I was reminded of the wisecracks we used to make around the kids table the other day when I noticed Oral Roberts died...we'd say that was the only oral my Mom and Dad enjoyed
December 16, 2009
Rick from the gym was my intern for the day today...I told Rick I have to get through this list of kids in the 103 Kids of Christmas...once I'm done with all these kids I move on to something really big...getting people to adopt Guantanamo Detainees
We agreed that Tiger is at that point where there is no possible number of women who could come forward at this point that could damage him any further...in other words, word could surface that he slept with the entire Sweedish massage team and people will be all like, oh well
Rick is trained in sports medicine, so we got to talking about Tiger's steroid allegations...it seems to me this is just kicking a guy when he's down...Rick knows first hand how steroids can make you watch Spike tv all the time...and if you use them long enough you get to the point that the only kind of movie you can sit through is nothing but naked car chases
ABBA, The Hollies, Genesis, The Stooges, and Jimmy Cliff all made it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for 2010...I say Holly-lujia for the Hollies, who have waited too long..ABBA? Well, they have sold more than 300 million records...but The Stooges? Please...how about the real Stooges? nyuk nyuk nyuk
The Golden Globe nominations are out and I was happy to see 30 Rock, The Office, Glee, and Modern Family, along with Entourage nominated for best tv comedy...also, there is actually a show called Hung...I think that starred Sadaam Hussein
December 15, 2009
Tiger's wife Elin was seen yesterday pumping gas...sans wedding ring!...we'll know she really means business if she starts strutting around in the Nancy Sinatra boots
You think your kid's cell phone bill is high...a kid in the Bay Area had a $22,000 cell bill, mostly from downloading data...he's confined to his room and only allowed to communicate by Pony Express
The Obamas said they would visit the old neighborhood from time to time...but no..their last brief visit was in July...they stayed in Washington for T-giving and plan to hit Hawaii for Christmas...man, I don't envy them when they finally do come home and have to wade through all htose newspapers on the front porch
Adam Lambert is going to appear on the finale of So You Think You Can Dance?...he has a new spinoff show lined up...So You Think You Can Grope?
December 14, 2009
I told Georgiann that a radio friend of mine could make me totally legal copies of the Beatle remasters in stereo through an industry website...she said tell him no, don't do that...naturally I asked why...duh...she had, of course, bought me that for Christmas, so voila, I shared my early Christmas gift with everybody today
I am most impressed with what I've heard from that brilliant middle period of the Beatle decade...I'm talking Rubber Soul, Revolver and Sgt. Pepper...you can hear each individual instrument on Getting Better and even some percussion you never knew was there...And Your Bird Can Sing sounds clean and magnificent...Thank You Girl sounds warm and wonderful...the stereo separation seems more extreme in general, and this is not a bad thing...and you can clearly hear bass lines in most every song...in fact, in the song I Will, from the White Album someone is singing along with the bass part... who knew?
West Dundee Town Manager Joe Cavilaro is quoted in today's Daily Herald as saying East and West Dundee need to combine some services to save some money...some say that there should be one united town of Dundee..."Mr. Cavilaro, tear down this bridge!"
Matt Druke stopped in as usual...and he was really getting into the Beatle remasters...he said he and his wife were going to see the movie Invictus later today...Invictus, he said, is Latin for "really bad accents"
December 11, 2009
A man saw a woman in distress yesterday in Crystal Lake and came to her aid, preventing a kidnapping and possible rape...the Daily Herald calls this guy a Good Samaritan...that's not biblically accurate...the bible story has a Samaritan coming to the aid of someone who'd been beaten and robbed, not preventing the robbery...this guy in Crystal Lake is a Great Samaritan
Speaking of thwarting crime, Julie Newman (Catwoman on tv, remember?)saw her own stolen jewelry up for auction online...her ex-lover, Robert Ouriel got charged with grand theft...as a kid some of my friends has Catwoman fantasies...I never was a good at fantasies...something would always go wrong...I'd be making out with Catwoman and she'd hack up a furball
Crystal Lake Deputy Chief of Police Dennis Harris joined us in the 8 o' clock hour to chat about that "Good Samaritan" who thwarted the possible kidnapping and assault....he said it's not generally a great idea to physically intercede, but this person (who remains anonymous, the court case pending) did it just right...I told Dennis to pass along our thanks to this person...and here's hoping we can some day get him on the air and thank him personally...we have just got to start idolizing the right kinds of people
We got to talking about how people who work for service organizations, even those who get a salary, often spend their own money on stuff and never get reimbursed...then you have Tiger, who gets courted by nightclubs, where just for showing up and having a wonderful time he gets all kinds of free stuff, including women...it got me to thinking about how I don't just go after the "guest du jour", or that person who's famous (or infamous) because of some nasty little thing they did...I could spend all day tracking down guests like that, but i prefer to talk to people I actually admire...who have I had on the show?...Tommy James, Andy Griffith, Tony Curtis, Peter Noone, Mark Volman, Tony Orlando, Peter Max, William Christopher, Gary Puckett, Dan Hampton, Michael Damian, James Best, Barry Williams, K.C., Senator Obama...and you, with the intern of the day program...I'd much rather have you on the air than any of these knucklehead people I see on tv
December 10, 2009
My Dad was a rough, tough man...he got tough as a Depression kid (the economic kind, not the prozac kind) and didn't like government interference...if things get tough, spit on it and walk it off...he didn't believe in health insurance...when he had 3 heart attacks and a $41,000 hospital bill Medicare paid it and thank God because we would've had to sell the house
Me, I am soft...I had it easy as a kid... tv raised me while my parents were working...and if you don't count the Heidi football fiasco, tv never abused me...so I say it's a good thing that the Senate is considering extending Medicare to people aged 55 to 64...I say come on 55! whoo hoo!!!!
When guys talk about Tiger the first thing that occurs to them is the booty jail that tiger has put himself in...I mean it's gotta be icy cold at home, and dating? oooo bad move...like buys do with their boats in the winter, Tiger should look into getting the ol' putter shrink wrapped and put in storage
One tv commercial I cannot stand is this one (I think it's for The Gap) where the little 7 year old girls are chanting about howl lovely their stylish clothing is...it's like "oh this will just drive some 10 year old boy wild!!!!"...there's just so much funky evil out there...if you're a parent you must have that constantly on your mind...that's why I'm so glad we're doing the 103 Kids of Christmas...helping these kids out with their wish lists delivers them from all this peer group bullying, helps them relax and fit in...here's a prayer of Deliverance for you this merriest of all seasons
A stange blue light seen in Norway had everyone talking...they say it probably was courtesy of the Russian military, but i was hoping it was God, finally fed up, sending a sign that he's about to speak to us directly...I would guess he would say, "Scrubs? Serious, Scrubs? Why is that show still on?"
December 9, 2009
Well hello there...good to be back on the air today, after multiple glitches yesterday...but thank you so much for checking back and hanging in there with us...we did most of the show yesterday on the web only...this gave me cause to reflect on how I didn't start out all those years ago saying, gee, someday I'd like a career in web
Tiger has been dumped by Gatorade...they say the decision was made prior to the Thanksgiving follies...Tiger certainly has the most to lose when it comes to endorsements...I wonder if A-Rod was hurt quite as badly...as you may recall the Yankee star was accused of showing several women his Yankee hat, Yankee glove, and Yankee Doodle
Another reason Gatorade had to dump Tiger...do you know their actual slogan?..."Is it in you?"...woweee
As the World Turns will air its last episode in September 2010...I'm sure there are people who will call the network, wondering if the world will actually stop turning onits axis that day...soap operas in English may be dying, but Spanish soaps are alive and well...Stew and I are looking to alunch our own Spanish soap: Los Viejos y los Malos
December 7, 2009
Depending on who you read, Tiger has either one, two or three new birdies...The British Sun tabloid lists Tiger's current score at 6 under...the latest would be a 27 year old lingerie model by the name of Jamie Jungers...have you noticed the names are getting strippier and pornier?...we're not quite up to Bertha Bigguns yet
And didn't one of our 103 Kids of Christmas ask for a Jamie Jungers doll?
Whew...Alexa Ray Joel, daughter of Christie and Billy took too many pills over the weekend after a fight with her boyfriend....but she's okay... this year has been bad enough for both Mom and Dad...they really don't need this...and yes, the 23 year old came out pretty good looking...again, whew
My dear old brick school got torn down recently...I received an e-mail with a pic of the wrecking ball scene...the thing had been abandoned for some time...last fall I took one last look at the old abandoned school...they say if you put your ear up to the window you can hear a phantom bully smashing a nerd's shop project with a claw hammer
December 3, 2009
What a morning...Tommy James joined me and gave me some huge scoops about his new book and movie...the autobiographical, "Me, the Mob, and the Music" takes an honest look at Roulette Records, and how the Genovese crime family made Tommy a star...the book hits stores Feb. 16, and it will be made into a movie by Martin Scorcese (The Departed, Goodfellas, Casino, Taxi Driver)...the young Tommy James will be played by Tyler Hilton, who played Elvis in Walk the Line, and the older Tommy James will be played by Val Kilmer, who played Jim Morrison in The Doors movie...this morning's interview was very personal at times, especially when Tommy was describing the reconciliation between his Christian beliefs and the evil that he got mixed up with...off air, Tommy said he may be coming to town for book signings in Feb...can't wait!
Jaque Currie was our intern for the day...Jaque is one of our many younger listeners who love the Beatles, so I played the super long Golden Slumbers for her
We got on the topic of Tiger, naturally, and his plea for privacy, posted on his website...I realized that to a guy who works at the bar in say, a Fridays or Chilis with 5 tvs constantly on ESPN, Tiger's face is more familiar than his own kids' faces...Tiger is not a public figure?...Please...his putter is almost public domain
And we got to talking about how bad this all seems for Tiger thanks to his failure to take verbal command of the situation...compare his weak online postings about "transgressions" with Dave Letterman's masterful verbal tapestry...Dave invited you into the kitchen and involved you in the meal preparation...the tension rose like a souffle, which he served up with such grace, that you barely absorbed the fact that he just told you he'd slept with some of his employees
Can you imagine Tiger sitting in his War Room in the days after Thanksgiving, surrounded by Madison Avenue types, brainstorming something that might help?..."Okay Joe, waddayou got?"...'How bout this...Let he among you who has not married a drop dead drool inducer Sweedish supermodel wife and messed it all up with a side order of double bacon cocktail waitress burgers cast the first stone"..."um, better make a pot of coffee, it's gonna be a long night"
December 2, 2009
Joanna Krupa, the Victoria's Secret Model is getting heat from Catholic groups for a PETA ad that she did...she's wearing the stupid wings...I hate those...and a crucifix that's covering up the goodies...jeez the wings are bad enough...real fantasy wrecker...one good stiff breeze comes along and blows her away
How many tickets to the Policeman's Ball do you have to buy to get them to say this?...Tiger's accident investigation is closed...Tiger gets a reckless op citation, which is 4 points on his license...oh, and the wife gets and two stroke penalty and has to play Tiger where he lies
Now enter Jaimee Grubbs, a 24 year old cocktail waitress, who is claiming a 21 month affair with Tiger...I wonder if Tiger will get two strokes for trying to improve his lie
December 1, 2009
Adam Lambert went on the Ellen show and admitted that his performance at the American Music Awards (where he said "hello" to Mr. Wiggly) didn't make the best first impression...in this economy that type of kissing and groping should be strictly reserved for job interviews
Tiger Rumor Mill...his wife didn't like her swing and took a mulligan
A guy in Maumee Ohio made off with the Salvation Army red kettle, containing $500-$700 cash...there should be a new law making HIM the Roast Beast
Had a delightful visit from the Harvard Madrigals...they came in and busted some monster jams and traditional Christmas tunes like, "Tiger Got Runned Over By a Nine Iron"
Our blockhead President has chosen tonight to give his Afghanistan speech...this would bump Charlie Brown Christmas...yes, I know it'll be on like 7 other times...ABC plans to unveil a new Peanuts special this year..."You're Stuck In A Quagmire With Karzai, Charlie Brown!"
November 30, 2009
Today marks the official kickoff of the 103 Kids of Christmas with Studio 2015 Jewelers and the Salvation Army...props to Tom and Major John for stopping in...5 kids were claimed the very first morning!
So you think you can outdrive Tiger Woods now?
I just realized Tiger might be the ideal candidate to coach Notre Dame football
Matt Drufke popped in for a quickie...at his family Thanksgiving get together his kids were playing a new game..."Sneak Into The White House State Dinner"..."Awww, Mom, do I have to play the clueless Secret Service agent again?"
Matt had a unique comedy experience over the weekend...he did a show for a group of deaf people...it's gotta be great when they make the sign for big belly laugh
November 25, 2009
The Day...Black Wednesday...The Theme...That's Just Wrong
Dorese stopped in for her 4th stint as intern for the day, providing a bit of much needed soul...as I always say: the devil was after my soul, and then he saw me dance
Have you noticed that after last year's Black Friday tragedies, nobody is using the phrase "shop 'til you drop"?
Strange headline...Obama to Sell War Plan...what it means is, he's trying to convince everyone that his war plan is good...in radio, "sell" means "sponsor"...so naturally I assumed he was looking for a sponsor for the war
...and now back to the War in Afghanistan, brought to you by Lysol: Kill the Enemy, Kill the Germs
We got to talking about traditional Thanksgiving dishes that you assume everybody eats..Dorese grew up on mac and cheese for Thanksgiving, which is probably more of a Southern thing or maybe a Black thing...like Georgiann's Sweet Potato Pie with Jack Daniels whiskey...I'm going to make something non traditional this year...brussels sprouts in extra virgin olive oil (not the slutty kind) with garlic, onions and chorizo...talk about a fart factory just waiting for a grand opening
Another Thanksgiving family tradition...I always go for an African American turkey...I buy it live, and feed him soul food...the brand?...Jive Turkey
Dorese asked me to play Rock and Roll Baby by the Stylistics...I love that line about being born in a theater in Bluefield West Virginia...it seems that anyone in show business, or radio, has paid some dues in West Virginia...that's the place where you make those Scarlett O' Hara promises to yourself...shaking your fist against the sky..."As God is my witness, I'll never eat roadkill again"..."and when I say never, that is to say, well, sometime"
November 24, 2009
Longtime listener, frequent caller and first time in studio intern for the day Tammy, from Mount Prospect stopped in for a spin today and we had a blast...we got to talking about how some Russian dude bought Adolf Hitler's Mercedes for millions of Euros...does that make him evil?...if you dress up like Robert E. Lee and collect Confederate swords, does that mean you like slavery?...I don't think so..obviously I'd love to have Hitler's car...he kept it very nice...you did NOT touch that man's radio...he'd wind into one of those beer hall speeches
Much as I am convinced that it's part of God's Divine Plan for us all to trample each other while we shop for gifts on Black Friday, I still decided to try and beat the crowds this week...if you want a good cheap gift, two words: Yankee Candle...I got Georgiann one that looks like A Rod...not Alex Rodriguez, I mean a rod...like a curtain rod
Marci has been filling in for Stew on the news this week...she's like the daughter I never had, but could've had...if I'd been multi-ethnic and much better looking
Tammy, Marci and I got in a wacky discussion about mammograms...Tammy said nobody would insist on a procedure where men get their goodies scrunched like that...and I said they do: it's called marriage...I agreed that women might be more prone to get a yearly mammogram if it could somehow be more fun...like maybe a singing mammogram
November 23, 2009
A lot of people enjoyed some very scary entertainment over the weekend...buy hey, enough about the Bears
Roger Ebert says Oprah plans to anoint Ellen as the new queen of daytime...also she plans to take many relaxing treasure baths
Half of People 18-34 admit to texting while driving, which has been found to be more dangerous than drunk driving...are judges going to start sending people to texting rehab?..."hi, I'm Joe, I'm a textaholic since 2004, and oops, wait, I'm getting a text, I gotta answer this..."
A Canadian women is losing her benefits because of Facebook pics...she's on medical leave for depression, and the pics show her out drinking in several fun places...she could have just said she was a Bears fan...in that case, depression is a given
Matt Drufke stopped in for his usual Mon morning visit...he was hating the new movie Pirate Radio, and loving Men Who Stare at Goats...I'm glad he told me, because Pirate Radio looks good, and the goat movie looks bad...Matt plans on a simple, Pilgrim Thanksgiving: turkey, pumpkin pie, and burning any woman who studies math or science at the stake
Marci filled in for Stew on the news and despite being in the ultra desirable 18-34 demo, she was left rather cold by the New Moon Twilight movie and does not plan to see it...I told her she just doesn't appreciate good vampires like they have nowadays...back when we were kids we had Barnabas Collins on Dark Shadows...we're talking bad lighting, Billy Bob fangs, and bad spit curls
One possible reason Marci is not into the vampire movie is that the guys are too young for her...which got me wondering whether or not there were 20 something cougars who go for 8 year olds..."I like a man who can handle his juice box"
November 20, 2009
What was the big concert announcement?...A double dip of Ides Christmas!!!...Scott May from the Ides of March joined me this morning to announce that not only will the Ides be doing their annual Ides Christmas show Sat. Dec. 5th at the Norris Cultural Center in St. Charles with the full band and special guests...they'll also be doing a special Ides Christmas (Eve) radio show, live with me on Dec. 4th...join us as we do the whole Morning drive show from the historic Arcada Theater in St. Charles, featuring a special acoustic performance...Ides Christmas AND Ides Christmas Eve...I am now officially in the Christmas spirit!
Another kinda big story this morning is Oprah ending her syndicated run in 2011, after 25 years...how crazy is this guess about her future plans: I say if she were to run for President as an independent, with Sarah Palin as VP candidate she would have at least as much support as say, Ross Perot in 1992...and even if she had 15 percent of the vote, she would be in a formidable position to throw her support to the eventual winner...so how crazy is that?...you guys said "very crazy" in a quickie phone poll...maybe...what if she won, and she was Pres. and Sarah was VP?...if I was Oprah I wouldn't go hunting with Sarah and Cheney
eonline has a list of Oprah's greatest moments..."you get a car" is #3, James Frey, with the discredited book is #2, and Tom Cruise going nuts is #1...I'll give her this: Oprah has the ability to get emotion out of people...it's not easy...my favorite moment came in at #5 on the list...remember back in 1988 when she wheeled 67 poiunds of fat that seh'd lost out onstage?...the fat was a class act, one of her best guests, but the fat ate all the
donuts in the green room
November 19, 2009
Local artist Janine Hill Soldner was our special intern for the day today...Janine is involved with the Veteran's Portrait Project...her work is on display throughout Nov. at the Dole Mansion in Crystal Lake...she even painted a portrait of my high school buddy's WWII dad
Did you see that youtube video of the pan fried LIVE carp?...ahhh Chinese cuisine at it's finest...the Chinese don't seem to mind their entrees giving them the stink eye...I hate when they leave the duck's head on (Peeking Duck)
Janine had a great story about entering a contest on her local Bozo show in North Carolina when she was 12...she painted the best picture of Sally Field in The Flying Nun and got her picture in the paper...from that point on she knew art was it for her
And another great Janine story...her sister dated Gary Rossington, one of the dudes from Lynnyrd Skynyrd...the family was living in Jacksonville at the time...she said her Dad was impressed with the young man when he came to call...in fact, when they were first married, Janine and her husband lived three blocks from a place called "The Jug"...yup, it's an actual bar, as featured in the songs "Gimme Three Steps"...she said the band, before their big stardom came, was still a bunch of huge partyers, and that would eventually help to bring them down...it's like I always say: kids, don't drink all day, or else you might end up...like ME
We got to talking about how Johnny Depp was voted Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine...I asked the youthful looking Janine if, assuming she had not been married to a wonderful guy for 31 years, she would be a cougar...she was slightly put off by the question, but added (after I asked) that she does occasionally draw nude portraits of some younger men...she even agreed to do my nude portrait, provided I include a few well placed slices of cheese
November 18, 2009
Kevin Stebbin was my intern for the day...Kevin's from Woodstock...he goes to chef college and is also the head of the Illinois Civil Air Patrol, working long hours for no pay and no bennies...this guy should be an Advocate Good Sheppard Hero of the Month!
I can always tell when it's getting close to Thanksgiving in Crystal Lake...the Cohen relatives start circling like buzzards over Stew's house
Taking Sarah Palin's cue, Stew is working on a new book: Going Rogaine
A homeless man allegedly threw a cup of scalding hot coffee at an employee at the Crystal Lake Starbucks...on the bright side, the guy gets his choice of jail cells: Large, Grande or Vente
They are letting people back in to the Burr Oak Cemetery after that horrible grave re-sellling scandal...but for the first week you need a ticket...tix are $59 $69 and $79 at Ticketmaster...you also get a special wristband that will get you backstage to meet the Grateful Dead
Stop; the madness...the Sun Times has a story about a Bears fan who allegedly gave a Steelers fan a drink that made him go blind...you gotta watch what you drink in out of town bars...in Chicago legend has it that they often serve a mystery drink that ban blind a man to a teams horrible performance and make him a zombie for life...it's called "Old Style"
November 17, 2009
I've finally decided...I'm going with the 16 pound butterball...that's a 16 pound hunk of butter...the turkey will be bigger
Ocho Cinco gets a $20,000 fine for "bribing" a replay official with a buck, as a joke, and Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams gets fined $250 thou for flipping the bird to some Bills fans...whaaa?...obviously the league is encouraging young superstars to act frisky, and drunk old 86 year old owners to sit down and behave...if Bud had mooned they'd have given him the death penalty
Brooke Magnanti, a cancer specialist, is the Belle Du Jour blogger...she's been writing a popular blog that was the basis of a movie about the life of a high priced call girl...now that the cat's out of the bag, one option is to incorporate the two careers; medicine and prostitution on one business card..."if you have a lump... any kind of lump, call me"
Best day of the year to buy a car?...believe it or not, Black Friday...that, according to truecar.com...they say a number of factors will motivate dealers Nov. 27...end of month, end of year quotas exert pressure to deal, but more than anything, a desire to capture some of the Black Friday market volume drives dealers to offer cars, on average for 7.5 percent below sticker...on a typical day, consumers get an average markdown of 4.7 percent...in fact most non-traditional Black Friday purchases will provide bargains...like Christmas trees...check our preferred tree vendor list on the main page and don't go treeless this holiday season...which is like going braless, except your limbs hang out
An independent task force is now saying healthy women do NOT need to get annual mammograms starting at age 40...they're saying hold off until age 50 now...Georgiann will be relieved...she has described the procedure, and I gotta say it sounds brutal...not to get too graphic, but add strawberries and chocolate and you're describing our lovemaking...I was the one who said a mammogram should be performed in a nice tropical, fun, romantic setting...the "wham bam thank you mammogram"
November 16, 2009
Had a great time with a record number of local Boy and Girl Scouts on Saturday...our annual Scout Day was a big hit...the kids learned about radio and I learned a lot about scouting...did you know that Girl Scouting goes all the way up to Cadet Scout?...at that point you're actually married with two kids...you just happen to still be hawking cookies
And thanks to the Boy Scouts for their superior aim in the men's room this year...last year it looked like they had been standing on the seat and aiming at the ceiling fan
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual on Monday and lamented the fact that whenever he tells someone he's a comic, immediately they want to hear a joke...he has another job as a forklift technician, and when he tells people he does that, they never ask him to put their Caterpillar up on the lift so he can check out the lateral linkage
Did you see that jackass Ocho Cinco (on the Bengals) wave that dollar bill at the ref last week?...he got fined $20,000, which is not nearly enough...I mean a press agent couldn't buy the space and face time he got from that stunt with 20 thou...if you really want to discourage these antics, you've really gotta make these clowns donate some serious coinage...another problem with these stunts is, they take time away from actual game highlights..when Georgiann and I are waiting to see Titan's highlights, they show one Titan touchdown, and T. O. from the Bills yelling at somebody on the sideline...who cares?...in the actual game, T. O. stank like B. O.
November 13, 2009
I would invite Jay Cutler over for Thanksgiving, but I'm afraid if I don't wear a 49ers jersey, he won't pass me the potatoes
Tonight is the night Bill Kurtis and Walter Jacobson reunite on Channel 2...the 10p cast is the hot ticket for advertisers, who are clamoring to get their ads on what promises to be the most watched local newscast since the 80s...they'll need a lot of commercials...these guys take lotsa pee breaks
The new Sherman Hospital is set to open 12/15, and they've very happy with yesterday's dry run at the new facility...the docs worked on mannequins, with link sausage for guts
I asked Joy and Char from Helping Paws if they had heard about everyone under a certain age (probably about 35) having radically different ahem "grooming habits" than we did and do...um down there, you know?...when I told them that all the youngsters are doing some shaving these days they were all like"no way"...way...now I hear that the hot new enhancement surgery is for ladies...um, again, down there..to make the scenery more pleasing....we were all agape...actually, Georgiann once suggested I have a surgical procedure down there and offered to perform it herself
I read that Google wants to be your phone company...and give you free phone service...I asked Stew how they could possibly do that and he suggested 4 minutes of commercials before you get to talk to the person you called...wow...I never thought of that...maybe they'll even come and put a billboard on your lawn, with the faces of your missing kids, because you can't call 'em because you can't sit through 4 minutes of commercials to talk to them
As promised, here's all the local high school football playoff action. Hope your team wins...
Class 7a quarterfinal
Warrenville South @ St. Rita tonight 7p
St. Charles North at Glenbard West Sat 1p
Lake Zurich at Wheaton North Sat. 7p
Class 6a Quarterfinal
De La Salle at Cary Gove Sat. 1p
Belverder North at Prairie Ridge Sat. 1p
Class 5a Quarterfinal
Lombard at Sycamore Sat. 1p
Glenbard south at Woodstock Sat 7p
November 12, 2009
Lou Dobbs is outa here...one of the original CNN anchors just up and quit on his show last night...I give him credit; whatever he is ticked about today, from the shrinking middle class to illegal aliens under his bed, the man truly believes in what he's griping about...hot rumor about what's next for Lou?...three words: roller disco deli
Carrie Underwood cut Brad Paisley off last night at the end of the CMA awards show...Brad was just gushing about 19 year old Taylor Swift winning the big Entertainer of the Year award, which Carrie was up for...Carrie just busted in and said good night...Kanye much?
A 12 year old girl from England has baffled science by sneezing up to 12,000 times a day...two thousand more sneezes a day and she will pass Stew Cohen, who has been making the windows rattle in the newsroom all week
Remember Carl Ballantine?...he was part of the wacky crew on McHale's Navy...The Great Ballantine is dead at age 92...his bit was comedy from magic that wasn't working...good life lesson: sometimes the magic happens when things aren't working
Carrie Prejean melted down on Larry King...she refused to answer Larry when he asked why she settled out of court with the pageant that had fired her, removing her microphone...first the nude video, now this...I was with her at first, when she answered the gay marriage question, I would have answered it about the same way (maybe a bit more politely)...but now, as a conservative voice, she's toast
November 11, 2009
We are currently working on lining up another morning drive show live on location broadcast with the Ides of March...we're looking at the first week of December...the Ides Christmas show is Saturday Dec 5, at the Norris Arts Center in St. Charles..in other Ides news ,the band op[ens for Foghat at the Rosebud Theater in Effingham this Saturday night...Georgiann and I went down there last month to catch the Smothers Brothers in Effingham, and the next morning we had breakfast at this great little place that served the best effing ham we ever had
Jeanette Palmer of Right at Home was my special intern for the day in honor of Veteran's Day...Jeanette can help you get the government benefits to which you are entitled if you have a veteran in the family who needs special care right at home..she's got offices in Algonquin and Mount Prospect
I was also happy to have a brief chat with Mark from the U.S. Air Force Falconaires...they will be performing a special Veteran's Day show tonight at the Hemmens in Elgin
Sammy Sosa has an explanation for his recent facial whiteness...face cream...he says his skin got damaged by all those strenuous hours spent chasing (sometimes half heartedly) baseballs in right field...so now he plans to endorse this face cream...rub it on and you get whiter...you'll notice the difference when you start wearing black socks with flip flops and Bermuda shorts
Jeanette filled me in on Dancing with the Stars....Nick Carter got voted off last night (I interviewed him when he was like, 7)...Jeanette said Donny Osmond was her favorite, kelly Osborne was still on and Maya was still on...you remember Maya, she's the one with the calendar that ends in 2012
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November 10, 2009
A new restaurant, The Roadhouse, is set to open at the former Prairie Rock site in Elgin on Dec 11...that's good, but nobody liked my idea for that property...Roller Disco Deli...you get people whizzing around enjoying hot matzo ball soup; that's a party
Congrats to the E. C. C. mock debate team who recently beat Villanova and Yale...wow...of course they didn't have a very tough task...they had to successfully argue that Sammy Sosa's face is whiter than the Joker's
NY Governor Paterson says NY State will be broke by Christmas...and how's this for nerve....MY State calls me up and asks to crash on my couch Jan 1
THE hottest ticket this holiday season is to the Second City 50th anniversary celebration...it's December 11-13 at the SC on Wells...the highlight of the weekend for me is the SCTV reunion...basically everybody is gonna be there, except for John Candy, of course
I showed you mine, now you show me yours...send me your high school yearbook pics...jshea@y1039.com
November 9, 2009
Bears management want me to let you know that grief counselors will be available to help fans get through this
Did somebody tell Sammy to lighten up?...that's Elliot Harris' theory as to why Sammy Sosa's face looks much whiter than it did 6 months ago...today's Sun Times Quick Hits column features side by said photos of dark Sammy and light Sammy...you want the real reason Sammy is getting whiter? I'm giving him dancing lessons
My Dad once asked me if I knew Arsenio Hall...I said I knew him from tv, not personally...Dad said he was sure that was Annie's boy...Annie, he explained, was the cleaning lady at the architectural firm where my Dad worked in Beachwood, Ohio and her 8 or 9 year old son used to hang out, waiting for her to clean up the office, curiously chatting with my Dad about what he was drawing...I thought Dad was getting her confused with a Woody Allen movie named Annie Hall, but he insisted that was her name and Arsenio was her son...Dad's story checks out...Arsenio went to high school about 3 miles from where my Dad worked
Arsenio evidently called Paula Abdul when all the Idol stuff went down, which led to a dinner date, which led to speculation that they are rekindling their 1989 romance....good for them if they are...Paula's looking to pick up a Wednesday night gig, judging karaoke somewhere
Matt Drufke said Sammy Sosa (with the new, whiter face) looks like he's moonlighting as Batman's arch nemesis
I want your high school yearbook pics...send them to me at jshea@y1039.com...I can't promise you anything in terms of prizes, but we will name a king and queen and maybe funniest (looking)...come on, be a sport
November 6, 2009
Put two guys in a room, and it won't be long before they get to talking about that show on VH1 (I think, might be on Spike) where the people sit around in a circle and talk about how their sex addiction is getting out of control and cutting in on the time required to earn a living...amazing...can you really have sex 8 to 10 hours a day?...I don't know about you, but sex isn't even cutting into my time with the sports section
I cannot take shots, and the H1N1 nasal inoculation doesn't do it for me either, so I'm holding out until they come out with the vaccine in crouton form...have a salad, beat the flu
Ebert gives A Christmas Carol with Jim Carey 4 stars...and yes, Carey occasionally says Bah Humbug through his butt cheeks
Sesame Street turns 40...it's tough when a kid's show goes middle age crazy...I heard Ernie bought a sports car and is hitting on Strawberry Shortcake
As promised, your high school playoff action:
Class 7A
Tonight 7p Geneva at Wheaton Warrenville South
Tonight 7p Elk Grove at St. Charles North
Saturday 7p Wheaton North at Prospect
Saturday 1p Crystal Lake South at Lake Zurich
Class 6A
Saturday 1p Cary Grove at Highland Park
Saturday 1p De La Salle at Crystal Lake Central
Tonight 7:30p Marmion at Prairie Ridge
Saturday 3p Hubbard at Belvedere North
Class 5A
Saturday 1p Wheaton Academy at Sycamore
Saturday 1p Marian Central at Montini
Saturday 7p Woodstock at Lakes
Class 4A
Saturday 2p Coal City at Richmond Burton
Saturday 1p Hersher at Johnsburg
November 5, 2009
Well it turns out that George W. Bush and Bill Clinton will NOT debate in February after all..maybe because, oh I don't know, the idea was um...STUPID...new rule, if you're not running for anything...no debate for you...we don't want Jimmy Carter challenging Nancy Reagan to some kind of Parcheesi smackdown
Sad note from Barrington...the longtime projectionist at the Catlow Theater, Jim Hollister, has died...I just love those surviving single and double screen theaters...Jim was there 67 years...the only thing that had been there longer (72 years) was that really big box of Milk Duds
A man in South Carolina received a 3 year prison sentence for having...ahem, "relations", with a horse...this was his second offense with the same horse...at that point you could almost claim you were having a relationship and you planned on getting married...don't laugh, my buddy married a filly...I knew something was up when the invitation offered a choice of prime rib entree, or carrot and oat entree...it was lovely though; salt licks on all the tables...and so romantic...the happy couple pulled up in a human-drawn carriage...they had wagering windows at the reception, offereing odds on when they'd have their first spat...I thought that was a little tacky
A man in Colorado called in stabbed to work...he had torn his pants while skateboarding and didn't want to risk being written up...and evidently calling in sick was not a option, so he called in stabbed...knock wood, I don't call off sick hardly at all...when I got my dog I almost called in "leg humped"
November 4, 2009
Rory Bolen was our guest dj for the day today...Rory won a contest conducted by the St. Charles Downtown Business Expo...dj for the day is more prestigious than intern for the day, because it bestows broader powers over the music selected on the show...today, thanks to Rory, we heard The Ramones, Johnny Cashc and The Buzzcocks...also we heard Elvis Presley and Elvis Costello in the same half hour
Rory runs his own ad agency in Aurora...Bad Monkey Circus....he has led a pretty interesting life, having had celebrity brushes with Adam Sandler in LA and Johnny Cash at the Cubby Bear...he literally ran into Johnny back stage in the dark...at which point he wished Johnny was the "man in a bright fluorescent jump suit"
Buffet to Buy Railroad...I saw that headline in the Daily Herald...turns out Warren Buffet plans to buy the Burlington Northern Railroad...I was like, awww man, I thought Jimmy buffet was Buying the railroad...two words: Margarita Caboose
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton plan to debate in February at Radio City Music Hall...um why?...money, duh!...you know they have ESPN Classic...this is more like Fox News Channel Classic...first topic?...Viagra or Cialis
November 3, 2009
A Crystal Lake man was in McHenry County Court on Saturday, accused up breaking and entering...when asked to raise his right hand and be sworn in, he raised only the middle finger...the judge gave him 6 months just for that..goo thing he didn't whip off the shoes and give him the toe, or he'd have gotten life
One of the most tripped out ad campaigns in history...the 7up Uncola campaign...came from right here in Chicago...the J Walter Thompson Agency's brilliant hippie positioning of 7up as the anti-coke and pepsi kept the brand in third place, behind the cola giants in the early 70s...this morning I played a Yellow Submarine ish Unsweepstakes 7up commercial...brilliant...so brilliant, in fact that the emtire campaign was voted 61st on the list of top 100 ad campaigns of the 20th century
Testy times in the print media...an editor at the Washington Post allegedly took a swing at a colleague, who had come to the defense of a female reporter, who had just had her article called "the worst he'd seen in 43 years" by said editor...this is like Murray Slaughter and Lou Grant going at it over Mary...my money would be on Lou to knock Murray all the way into the Love Boat
Bill from Huntley sent in a clean joke in one of his 19 daily e-mails...I do want to encourage him, so I'll give you the high points...A bride broom and a groom broom got married....the btide broom said she was going to have a little whisk broom...which was impossible, because they hadn't even swept together...maybe she was sweeping around
November 2, 2009
In honor of the "Day of the Dead", the Bears played the Browns...hey a win is a win, but if they ever re-stage the Thriller video, the Browns could be the Zombies
The White House really did it up for Halloween this year...the house was all lit up orange, and they let the kids in for tick or treat...now if there's ever been a house that's invulnerable to egging, it's the White House...I think maybe it got egged by the British during the Ar of 1812, but that's it...First Lady Michelle Obama got into it, dressing up as the sexy cat...President Obama dressed up as a scary dead thing: Single Payer Medicare Style Universal Health Care oooooooo
At the Spurs/Kings NBA game on Saturday Night, a bat got loose in the building...whaaaa?...so Manu Ginobili swats the bat with his left and and kills it...mmmm b-ball court roadkill...I've got some great recipes for apple brown batty
Matt Drufke stopped in...Matt hosts that great Thursday night comedy show at the Penny Road Pub...Matt is my her for a number of reasons, but above all because he fell for the love of his life at age 13 and never took his eyes off the prize...he was rejected and "good friended" and she was even engaged to some other guy at one point, but Matt hung in there and got the girl...he says every night when he gets into bed he pinches himself...and he also pinches her to make sure she's not inflatable
Oh and the O' Connor Leetz Funeral Home haunted house on Saturday night was amazing...Thanks to Tom and Lucy for being great hosts...Mayor Ed even showed up!..lots of money was raised for Little Angels...can't wait for next year.
October 30, 2009
Randy Quaid and his wife have missed a total of three court appearances in California on the charge that they ran out on a $10,000 hotel bill, so the court has ordered that they be extradited...they should take this whole thing very seriously...I heard that if convicted, they would have to spend time in a Swiss prison with "Little Roman Polanski"
I found a couple of vintage commercials on YouTube for the 1964 Buick Wildcat (I own one) and the 1964 Buick Riviera...I was amazed at both...the Wildcat commercial featured a 40 something white guy in a cowboy hat driving the car through the desert...he gets ambushed by the most horribly stereotypical banditos, who want to scope the car out from top to bottom...it's slightly, uncomfortably, stereotypical...then the Riviera ad goes over the top sexist...it's a 30 something guy driving his Riviera, chasing a 30 something woman, also driving a Riviera...as they arrive at the country club, the announcer says something about Riviera being a car a woman can appreciate for its beauty, but only a man can understand....whaaaaaa?...come to think of it, that more describes me, except for the part about the woman and the beauty...
Lucy from O' Connor Leitz Funeral Home in Elgin joined me on the phone this morning...don't miss the haunted house there tomorrow...it's just 5 bucks and it benefits Little Angels Center for Exceptional Care...I'll be doing the big live broadcast from 4-7 and it's free to come join me and get in on the prizes and raffles...see you there!
E-mail of the week...when you die and wake up, how can you tell if you're in heaven or hell?...you're in heaven if you have an American house, Chinese food, British police, French art, and a German car...hell is a place with a Japanese house, Chinese police, British food, German art, and a French car
October 29, 2009
I think for Halloween I'm just gonna rub in a little hair gel, put on a J. Crewe Fleece, and exude smoldering sexy...I'll be going as a teen vampire
A 36 year old man from Brookfield got pulled over in Naperville for going 96 mph in a 40 zone...his reason? "I had to go really bad"....you often hear the expression, "the car went whizzing by"...you don't know how close that came to being literally true
Amy Jacobson, remember her?...got fired from her tv news job because she was seen in her bikini at the Stebic's house....well she's on the cover of the Easy section in the Sun Times today...does a woman really want to be on the cover of the Easy section?...anyhoo, the section promises easy solutions to life's problems, and you see Amy modeling a "Kate wig" (of John and Kate Plus 8) complete with sunglasses embedded in the wig...for Halloween I think I'll wear my bikini on company time, and go as Amy Jacobson
Y 103.9 proudly presents Rick Springfield at the Hemmens in Elgin, Friday Dec. 4th...I read recently that Rick did a nude scene in the Showtime show Californication...he said it's meant for laughs...when you're 60 and nude it had better be for laughs, or you'll be the butt of the joke
Bill from Elgin sent this brilliant e-mail, and I can't re-print all of it here...it's a listing of various lovemaking activities and how many calories you burn performing each one...after the lovin' you can opt for hugging (1- calories), darting out of bed (85 calories), or explaining why you darted out of bed and didn't hug (1200 calories)
Am I nuts, or did they mess with my Charlie Brown Halloween special?,,,I thought it might be my imagination, but when Lucy was bobbing for apples and Snoopy's mouth was on the same apple, I remember this big long diatribe about "my lips touched dog lips! get the iodine, get the creosote!" and Snoopy goes "bleaaaaahh"...I didn't hear the bleah, and Dorese called and said she didn't hear the whole Lucy speech...did they really shorten this thing? Despicable! Don't make me do another petition...
October 28, 2009
Dorese Bledsoe interned for the day for the third time today...first thing we got into was this lawsuit filed in France against the church of Scientology...the church was found guilty of fraud for convincing people they were stressed, by using some phony "stress-o-meter"...Neil Steinberg in the Sun Times had an interesting take...he said all religions have an element of hocus pocus...how can one chuch say, "your phony stress o meter is evil, but we're selling you a guy who got crucified by the Romans 2,000 years ago and rose from the dead"?...if you sue them for anything, sue them for copyright infringement... the stress-o-meter looks like the oldest "guy trick" in the book..."hey baby, according to my stress-o-meter, you need some Coppertone rubbed into them shoulder blades"
Nell Scovell, who used to write comedy for Dave Letterman, says yes, there is a hostile work environment at Worldwide Pants...did Dave hit on her?..she says no...did he pay enough attention to her that another writer noticed?...ys, she says...she says she was aware of a sexually charged atmosphere, and attributed that to the fact that there are more women on the Supreme Court than on the writing staffs of Dave's show, Jay's show, Conan's show, and Jimmy Kimmel's show combined....she says Carson set the tone by never hiring women writers, so blaaaaaaaaame Johnny!
Drew Peterson is suing JP Morgan Chase because they cut off his $220,000 line of credit...they say it's because he's unemployed...fact is, they can cancel it for just about any reason they choose..remember Jimmy the paper guy, from Algonquin?...he got his line canceled by Chase with a $45,000 balance because real estate values went down in his general neighborhood...he called in to say he's gonna watch this one closely...he also asked how Drew Peterson played to pay the lawyer suing JP Morgan Chase when he already has to pay defense lawyers, expert witnesses and raise bail at the same time...good question...aside from the murder allegations, Drew Peterson is disgusting to me because of his shameless social climbing...look, you're just a cop, pal, and probably not a very good one...stop acting like you're J Paul Getty
When I see a smug, cynical cop like Drew Peterson (who is innocent, until proven guilty) who may have killed a couple of wives...I imagine building a bonfire and letting him burn alive...and I'm not a big capital punishment guy...I know this is not the better part of me that wants this...and when push comes to shove, if found guilty, I probably would soften on the bonfire idea...maybe kill him with bad seafood
We also talked about how some people are upset by the Direct TV commercial using Spade and Farley...the real live, modern day Spade is in the virtual hotel room with the annoying Tommy boy Farley...it's just sad...I can't help thinking about how he peed it all away...Dorese then admitted she'd never seen tommy boy nad I confessed I've never seen Star Wars and we both stared agape at each other for about 5 minutes of dead air (which, many said was the best part of today's show) just kidding, Dorese, you rock! come on back some time
October 27, 2009
4,000 Swine flu shots went pretty quickly last night at St. Charles North high...when the shots were all gone, to avoid a riot, a guy came around in a pig head and said, "th th th that's all folks!"
Another 2009 treand...the celebrity flash wedding...this time it's Fred Armisen of SNL, and Elizabeth Moss of AMC's Mad Men...they up and got married over the weekend with absolutely no notice...recently Kim Kardashian (E! reality show) and NBA star Lamar Odom did a flash wedding...and just this morning newsman Stew and traffic reporter Jeff tied the knot...love them, don't judge them
We've given away lots of tickets to Michael Jackson's "This Is It" concert film...now comes the question, "Is it really Michael?"...the reason we ask is that Joe Jackson was recently quoted as saying the film used "mostly body doubles"...huh?...the film's producers strongly deny it....the Jackson family has announced they will now use a body double for Joe Jackson...a very convincing, bloated old coot who drinks Hennessey and talks out his butt
Bill Cosby received the Mark Twain award last night...we tend to forget just how brilliant his 60s stand up stuff was...so as a refresher, I played a bit of "Bill Cosby is a Very Funny Fellow Right"...the karate bit, where he says you have to toughen up your hand until it feels like a foot and you keep it in your pocket for six weeks and whip it out and kill a guy with the smell...timeless
Are you ready for the next great funny golf movie?...Missing Links, a story about high school buddies who play the same old municipal course every week, yearning to play a fancy schmantzy course, will star Steve Carell...I wonder if this economy and this decade have just about killed golf...I mean who are these people who can leave spouse and boss for 6 hours even once a week?...I would play more golf if you didn't have to play at least 9...how about let's play 2?...the Ernie Banks method of modern golf
October 26, 2009
Soup's on...More classic clips and Soupy Sales stories on the show this morning, including Soupy's 1993 recollection of the "green pieces of paper" incident, that got him suspended...it was New Year's Day 1965, and Soupy had a minute to fill...so he ad libbed a speech about going in to Mommy and Daddy's room and grabbing all the pieces of green paper with guys with beards on them, and mail them to o'l Soupy and I'll send you a post car d from Puerto Rico...well, they did...Soupy wound up with $80,000 and a couple of days off
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual and had a lot of great things to say about parenting...Matt has a perfect 5 year old son, and says he'd like to take the credit, but probably, he says, you can thank television
I am not a parent and think I would have a very hard time of it, because I always try to get on my high horse, even with my nieces, who are in their 20s...I try to be the cool uncle and let them play their Lil' Wayne CD in my car...I say that music is "dope"...and they say, yeah actually, it is...the CD is actually made of crystal meth...at this point I want to climb up on my high horse about music in my day, but hello, do I really wanna say, "well back in my day our music idols um, overdosed on heroin and died in their own barf? please
The most successful franchise in the history of sports is the NY Yankees, who just won their 40th pennant, out of a possible 109 pennants...they've won almost half of all the pennants...in the same period the Cubs have won 10, but not a single one since 1945...the Yankees all time win percentage is .568, which will generally get you into the modern day playoffs in any given year...the Cubs all time win percentage is a surprising .514, which is higher than the Braves, higher than the Reds, higher even, than the White Sox (also the Phillies is .471; and that's the lowest of all time)...but it should be pointed out that baseball teams, unlike in football and basketball, are not playing on a level financial playing field...the Yankees spent more on sunflower seeds than the Cubs spent on their entire infield
October, 23, 2009
Scott May, the brilliant keyboardist for the Ides of March was in studio for almost the entire show this morning, and it was an instant classic...all about Chicago's rich rock and roll history, which cannot be covered in 3 hours...we have got to make this a regular thing
Scott provided too many valuable insights to list here...but I will list a few discoveries I made during the course of the show...
The Ides horn sound was inspired by Arthur Conley's Sweet Soul Music
Al Kooper was inspired in the same sort of way after hearing Chicago Transit Authority...this led to Blood , Sweat and Tears
Gary Loizzo of the American Breed went on to produce most of Styx great music...and we noticed that the opening vocal on "Steip Out of Your Mind" sounds a lot like" Light Up" by Styx...it just goes to show you how powerful an influence a good producer can be
Scott brought a New Colony Six tune I had never heard before:: People and Me...Scott knows Ronnie Rice very well and gives the band props for still wearing the Revolutionary War garb...a gimmick that worked for Paul Revere and the Raiders...while Gary Puckett and the Union Gap did the Civil War uniforms...newsman Stew Cohen had a band in high school that dressed up in outfits from the Crimean War...that didn't really catch on
And finally....The Ides are also going to have a street named after them in Berwin...very cool!
Look for the Ides at their Christmas showi n St. Charles Dec 5, and in Effingham on November 14th, with Foghat at a great place where I saw th Smothers Brothers a few weeks back, the Rosebud Theater
Thanks Scott...it was a blast...we'll do it again soon
October 22, 2009
Chris Chelios is back in town, and back on the ice with the Wolves...he makes his AHL debut Friday night at age 47...he has a special deal in his contract....no game can start until Wheel of Fortune is over
Another tv sex scandal...yes, and this one is whack...Steve Phillips, a 50 something ESPN guy and a 22 year old production assistant, who (according to the NY Post) sent this guy's wife a nasty letter...usually the women in these scandals are pretty hot, and the hotter the woman, the more likely the guy will get away without too much damage...Steve's got some trouble here...looks like she's got a moustache
Good fake laff Olympics today...you can fake laff along at home at some of these cute recession busters from Bill in Huntley...The Economy's so bad people in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning their kid's names...The Economy's so bad Dick Cheney took his stock broker hunting...The Economy's so bad Motel 6 will no longer leave the light on for you
My ABC Wednesday night comedy lineup is rock solid...with two problems...first, that Kelsey Grammar show is pretty bad all of a sudden...gotta get a stronger lead off hitter...but I love the next show, The Middle, and LOVE Modern Family, which leads to problem number two...Glee is on Fox at the exact same time...move something here guys, will ya?
October 21, 2009
900 plus students at St. Charles East have called in sick, so the school is closed until Monday at least...this is either a minor flu outbreak or the best doggone Senior Skip Day ever!
Assuming that St. Charles is the new epicenter of a worldwide swine flu pandemic...I say mandatory full body condoms...now!
Vic Mizzy died over the weekend at age 93...that name may have stuck somewhere in your memory banks, thanks to watching endless hours of classic tv....Vic wrtoe (and played harpsicord and sang) The Adams Family theme, as well as the Green Acres theme, tv themes were brilliant back in the 60s...and there's still a need for music that you hear while you're in the kitchen and you say"whoa, my show's on"...Vic played the harpsicord for the movie Ghost and Mr. Chicken and wrote the theme song for an obscure, brilliant, short lived show, The Pruitt's of Southhampton, which I played....(Phylis laff: a haa haa haaaaaa)
Had some fun this morning with job shadow Anne Wylie, a junior at Woodstock High...we were looking at my new photo gallery, "My Back Pages", on my main morning who page...it's mostly high school pics...I urged Stew to put on of his high school pics up there too...a prom pic would be nice...kids now have to deal with swine flu...we faced "Death by Cumberbund"
October 20, 2009
Kelly Osborne, daughter of Ozzy, hurt her foot last night on Dancing with the Stars...isn't it time to change that to Dancing with the Marginally Famous?
Fox is conducting a contest to see who can develop a new Simpson's character...and the best one will actually appear in an upcoming episode...www.thesimpsons.com has all the details....my idea is Kanyemous, a 28 year old white country singer who comes to Springfield to do a benefit concert after they get hit by a hurricane..."President Obama don't care about no white people" becomes his most famous quote, until guest star Beyonce goes country and Kanyemous steal the mike from her: "I just wanna say Taylor Swift's video is the bomb y'all"
Okay, I want to confess right now that I was in talks with Balloon Boy's dad to develop a script for a movie...the working title was (because the balloon looked so much like Jiffy Pop) "Jiffy Pop: The Movie" and here's the tagline: "as much fun to make as it is to watch"...what about "fun to eat"?...that's the sequel
Sonya Sotomayor told a bunch of people at Yale Law School that during the confirmation process, the White House picked out her wardrobe...now if they had insisted she shop at Banana Republic, would that have been insensitive?
A Swiss judge has denied Roman Polanski bail...might just be a flight risk...I say let him make a quick plea and empty out his wallet, some to the victim, and some to victim's organizations and be done with it...the thing was consentual, by all accounts, the victim, now in her 40s is over it...let's move on...Stew says no, lock him up for life, and asked me, "what if you were the victim?"...if I was the victim, i would have been sleeping with a creepy movie director for some role in a film or something, so I'd have to question my behavior as well...after I played some audio of Roman at the Swiss jail talent show, "Riiiiiiicolaaaaaa!", Stew changed his mind and said give him the death penalty
October 19, 2009
Georgiann is a Tennessee Titans fan (yes, sucks to be her) and I am an adopted Titans fan...so yes, it was bad that they lost 59-0 yesterday to New England, what was worse was CBS decided to switch to the Bills-Jets game when the score was 45-0...I hate that...they're taking the remote right out of my hands...that would be like just bailing on Stew's news when he hits the three murder story mark...actually that might not be a bad idea
So the Sheriff in Coloradao says the Balloon Boy thing was a hoax to get on reality tv...I say let the punishment fit the crime, if he's found guilty...give the Dad a new reality show..."The Bachelor: Prison Edition"...or "Cellmate Swap"
Matt Drufke had the best Baloon Boy line..."for Halloween I decided to go as balloon boy...who knew all I needed was a cardboard box"
Stew had a story about somebody unloading pepper spray in the parking lot at Tequila's restaurant in Crystal Lake...I hope it was spicy Cajun pepper spray
And congrats to our Wild Weekend Getaway Winner...Louanne Zekoff from Genoa
October 16, 2009
So what do you think about the new look of our website? it's soooo 60s...and 70s...like the actual pic of me you see when I'm on air...it's me at age 17
The wet weekend will make it tough to rake the leaves, but Scoptt's turfbuilder says just mow 'em and let 'em mulch...of course in these recessionary times, you may want to serve them...'what's this crap Mommy?..."shut up and eat your leaf flambe"
The hot phone topic was that 6 year old kid who they thought sailed away in a baloon, but actually wa hiding in the attic...I'm suspicious of the Dad's motives here...this family was already on Wife Swap (for real) so their hunger for publicity has already been established...I say charge the family a stiff fine for all the hours spent searching for the kid
John McCain's daughter may follow Miley Cyrus and dump her Twitter account...it seems she put a pic up on Twitter of her in a low cut tank top and everybody started Tweeting that she was a tart, or some such thing...I don't wanna say she was showiing a lot of skin, but I think they found Joe the Plumber in that cleavage
October 15, 2009
Great day to NOT go into the city...a portion of the Kennedy buckled yesterday afternoon, creating a giant sinkhole...can you imagine we'd gotten Olympics?...new event: Sinkhole Vault
Craig Ferguson has a new book..."American by Choice;...he recently became a citizen...he talk frankly about his alcoholism, admitting he wet the bed during his 15 years as a fall down drunk....he inspired me to make my own personal revelation...newsman Stew Cohen wets the bed
Later I set the record straight with Stew; making it clear that I had made a joke, and that Stew did NOT, in fact, wet the bed...I just had to ask though, "when did you stop wetting the bed?:...he said he'd have to ask his wife
An evidently disturbed woman, riding around in a rented limo, told people at a Burlington Coat Factory Store that she had just won the lottery and would pay for all their purchases, up to $500...when it became clear that she didn't have any money, many customers started trashing the place...hell hat no fury like an Oprah viewer scorned..."you get a new car! and you get a new car! amd wait, I have no money"..."I keel you!"
Rush Limbaugh will not be a part of the group looking to buy the St. Louis Rams...I will not trash Rush here...his politics aside, I have a soft spot for any radio geek who can make it that big...but I will say this...Rush needs to hone his comedy chops...the statement he made about watching the NFL and seeing the Bloods and Crips without the weapons...you have to put that in the form of a question and you can get away with it...like, did you ever notice how the NFL seems like its the Bloods and Crips with no weapons?...like I say, "..did you ever notice how much Stew wets his pants?"
The first time I saw ABC's new show, "Modern Family", I liked it....last night I saw it and loved it...Ed O' Neil is probably the only "name" that you would know that's in it...brutally funny show about a non-traditional extended family...it's like "The Office-Home Edition"...the whole ABC Wednesday lineup is pretty solid...yep, Wednesday is now my comedy night
October 14, 2009
Stormin' Norman from South Elgin was my intern for the day...I met Norm at the Elgin car show last month...he's got a sweet '69 Olds 442...and he is the one and only owner...he's got a wealth of information about restoring classic cars, but he's got no e-mail...so if you want to contact Norm, just let me know and I'll send him some smoke signals
Chuck Lidell, the mixed martial arts superstar, got voted off of Dancing With the Stars last night...they told him to do some work with the heavy bag, so he danced a little while with Kirstie Alley
Al Martino has died at age 82...he played the Frank Sinatra character in Godfather...he wanted a movie role, and the director wouldn't give him the part, so the mob put a horse's head in the director's bed...funny, that's exactly how I got this job...but with me they used the other end of the horse
They're letting Roman Polanski put the finishing touches on his latest feature film while he remains in a Swiss jail...in American prisons they have big signs....whatsa matter pal, can't you read? "No Completion of Full Length Feature Films"...he's also working on a new film about the everyday lives of the prisoners, who occasionally get frisky..you know they're really going at it when you hear "Riiiiiiiicolaaaaaa!"
Dave Letterman has abused his big red button that he presses to make Tom Hanks appear....Tom ripped the button out of the socket last night on the show...at home Dave's wife presses a button and a big mallet bops him on the head
October 13, 2009
Did you see those Denver Bronco throwback uniforms on Sunday? Brown and yellow vertical striped leggings...they lookedl like the Wcked Witch after the house fell on her...and Orton's helmet was solid black with a white 8 on it...he looked like the magic 8 ball..."will we win this game?"..."signs point to yes"
Every year I say I'm not gonna do this and then I do anyway...I go nuts decorating for Columbus Day, then I have no energy left for Halloween...you too?...watch, my rednecky neighbor is gonna leave his Columbus Day decorations up way past Thanksgiving...his Santa Maria was pretty sweet this year...but my Pinta is bigger
I played a few little bits of Bob Dylan's new Christmas album (no joke)....it's called "Christmas in the Heart"...no it's not called "Please Bob, stop. You're scaring the children"
Governor Arnold has signed the toughest ever anti-paparazzi bill...news organizations can now be sued for publishing illegally obtained photos...we played the clip of "Rainier Wolfcastle" (their Arnold character) plugging his new awful movie...the host asks "how do you sleep at night?'...the response: "on a big pile of money with a lot of beautiful women"
October 12, 2009
I see a Kenyan guy won the Chicago Marathon...Kenya! can you imagine? that never happens...I noted the time...2:05:41....that's for a whole 26 mile, 385 yard marathon....I ran a 31.1 mile half marathon in 2008 in 2:0535...so this Kenyan gentleman is twice as fast as I am....management may want to consider replacing me with a Kenyan...he could do the whole show in two hours
Went to see the Smothers Brothers Saturday night in Effingham...great venue called the Rosebud Theatre...brand new venue...Dick looks a little thin, and Tom has gained a few pounds, but other than that, they're just the same...we sat third row, 85 bucks...and they gave you three cocktails apiece and a mini buffet...great deal...I noticed the Ides of March are there November 14 with Foghat...it's a pretty, painless 4 hour drive...nice fall getaway
I played Michael Jackson's new song, "This is it"...it sounds good...like vintage 80s Michael, complete with the Jackson brothers on backing vocals...the 2 CD set will be in stores October 27th
Matt Drufke stopped in and was hilarious as usual...his Thursday night Midwest Comedy showcase at Penny Road pub is a great value, just 6 bucks....I shared with Matt my theory as to why President Obama got the Nobel Peace prize...it's because there's this complaint desk for the whole world and Obama was the handsome man in the complaint line who gets whatever he wants..."may I help you sir?"...."yes, I recently flew to Copenhagen and I didn't get my 2016 Olympics, see I was hoping you might have like a 2020 or 2024 games?"..."I'm sorry sir, but I can give you a complimentary breakfast, and a Nobel prize..."
Also Dundee middle school student Richard stopped in...Richard is a big fan of the station, even though he was born in 1996...Richard's is getting a new cell phone today...his current phone is so old, he says, that it doesn't have a name, it has a model number...ha ha...that's 12 year old humor for you
October 9, 2009
SHEA SEX SCANDAL!!!!!!!!!!!...pic of a woman I'm currently sleeping with back on my main Morning Drive Page...until noon today or so....and you should be impressed...not many men my age can keep it up til noon
Letterman proved this type of thing works nicely...if you're after higher ratings and web clicks...so let the games begin!...the woman you see actually slept with me riding a nice two glass of wine buzz...I will reveal her identity on the show this morning right before 8 with Joy and Char from Helping Paws...and as the last blog entry today
Marge Simpson will be nude on the cover of the November Playboy...thanks to today's grooming standards will we be able to tell if the curtains match the carpet? Just wondering
Southland has been cancelled on NBC...before they even aired the first episode of season two...whaaa?...pretty soon they will start cancelling shows before they even cast them...they will start cancelling IDEAS for shows..."oh the Pygmytown show, with the three gay Chimpanzees and the divorce living with her Pygmy ex lover....canceled! forget it!{"
In case you missed it, that woman on the main Morning Drive page is my wife Georgiann...she hates that picture I'm sure, so I was telling Stew I probably am in deeper poo for posting it without her knowledge than if I'd had a real sex scandal..."honey. I had an affair"...."that's nice, could you take this trash bag out when you leave?"..."oh and also I put this pic of you up on the web"...."you WHAT?"
October 8, 2009
Guy from Elgin was in the house again as intern for the day...we got to talking about how scientists now say that 40 years of The Pill have changed women's tastes in men...studies show that on fertile days, women are more likely to find boyish looking men attractive....this is not good...not many guys I know are getting more boyish...some, like me, still hit th gym every day and going for rugged...Guy's last push up was during the Clinton administration...and it was a push up bra
The number one pop album in the nation this week is Barbara Streisand's Love is the Answer....she now beocmes the second oldest person to top the chart...Bob Dylan (earlier this year) became the oldest...Barbara pioneered the BIG concert ticket, in terms of price...one show she just walked in, cleared her throat and charged everybody 50 bucks
The Letterman scandal takes on a new nasty twist...Bill Zweker quotes a source close to the show in today's Sun Times as saying Dave knew this alleged blackmailer, Joseph Halderman, and did not like him, often making sport of him at parties...when Dave learned that Stephanie had taken up with Halderman, he went ballistic...if you have not yet taken our Letterman poll, please take a moment, go back to the main page and weigh in..and we even break it down by gender....I asked Guy what his response to the poll would be, and he chose "I am a woman and am not bothered by Dave's recent behavior"...wow! he would actually change genders for Dave, now that;s what I call a fan
Not only is Mel Gibson now off probation for his drunk driving arrest...the whole thing has been expunged from his record, like it never happened...what do you have to do to be :expunge worthy"?...money, I;m sure....one thing about money, it tends to give people amnesia...there's a few things on my record I'd like expunged for sure.. some of those donkeys were alive, I swear!
October 7, 2009
Rush Limbaugh is looking to be a part owner of the St. Louis Rams...when he takes over the team will only run the ball to the far right
Zack from Woodstock High stopped in and played his trombone for us this morning...Zack has been chosen to be in a select band of 185 kids (only 5 from Illinois) that will be the first band up at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...the cost, for which the band has no budget, is $1900, so he's asking for your help to get him there...if you can lend a hand, contact Laurie Kominski WHS bookeeper, 601 W South St. Woodstock IL 60098..or hit the d200 website...its d200mchenry.com
Has Dave Letterman sex scandal hurt his ratings?...um no...in fact his 5 million plus viewers were more than twice what Conan had, and exceeded anything on NBC'S prime time lineup, including Jay Leno...I could use a fall ratings spike myself...stay tuned for my sex scandal
Oh and don't for get to go back to the main page and weigh in on our Dave Letterman Poll
An elementary school pupil in Dayton bit the teacher on the arm and had to be pried off by a school official...let's hear it for our educators...like Norm on Cheers said, "it's a dog eat dog world and (they're) wearing Milk Bone undershorts"
October 6, 2009
Len on Dancing With the Stars called Donny Osmond's Rumba "a little airy fairy"...of course, since he's British, he could have been saying "hairy fairy"...either way, not a good look...so Donnie runs over and plants a kiss on him...then says, "they'll never let me back into Utah"...classic
Dave Letterman returned to the scene of the crime last night on his Late Show...saying how much he'd hurt his wife...the fact that he brought it up again, makes me think what he did may be worse than we originally thought...I like Dave and consider myself a fan, so obviously I want to think the best, but now I fear the worst...to use his position as boss to reward women for haing sex with him, that would be bad...I'd like to believe that the women actually liked him for him, but maybe that's naive...maybe Dave just needs the jokes...and he made some good ones..."I'll be the only Late Night host ever to be impeached"...funny stuff
You also wonder how much of a surprise Dave Letterman's behavior could have been to his wife (whom he dated 23 years)...I mean, after 23 years, wouldn't you kind of get the message?...the first sign should have been the statuettes on the wedding cake...they were a couple with their backs to each other in bed
Justice Sonya Sotomayor made the most of her first day on the job...she forgot to key the mike twice, but spoke up several times during her Supreme Court debut, they put her hair up in a bun, whipped off the robe, revealing a low cut red dress and did a hoochie koochie dance...I'd have to think Fox News is going to have a field day with this one
October, 5, 2009
Stunned?...Sure...a little let down that we're not getting the Olympics?...that too...yes Rio is beautiful, but according to Richard Roeper Rio has roughly 10 times the murder rate of Chicago...the games there should be interesting...they're introducing the new 500 meter dance with a fruit basket on your head
The Obamas are still so in love...they went out for their 17 anniversary...when asked if he'd like dessert, the President replied, "I'll have what David Letterman is having"
Stephanie Birkett may be the key to the whole Letterman sex deal...she has been on the show several times during wacky segments...she says she had a sexual affair with Dave that ended before he got married and then took up with the guy who's allegedly shaking Dave down...if that's true, and if there have been no other incidents, what's the big deal?...there's a word for the older ladies who like htey ounger men...it's "cougar"...there's a word for older men who like younger
women...it's "men"
Matt Drufke knows comedy...he stopped in as usual for his Monday visit and agreed with me that Ricky Gervais is brilliant...England's best comedy export has a new movie out called "The Invention of Lying"...I saw it over the weekend...go see it...he plays a loser writer living in a world where he is the only one who can lie...his life gets better but he still can't land Jenifer Garner, because his genes are bad...Gervais takes on some heavy material, like "why are we not all perfect genetic specimens? Why do great looking people still sleep with not so great looking people?'...he has a very sweet answer for that...you get the feeling watching this movie that you are seeing something completely original
I'm reading that the World Bank might be out of money by the end of the year...and they're already out of free toasters
October 2, 2009
I was reading in the Daily Herald about an 85 year old man in Huntley who went in to contest a traffic ticket and was holding what police thought was a gun, but police say was just a BB gun...I know just about everyone our age in Huntley was going, "Dad!"...and the only reason that Stew didn't go "Dad!" when he heard about it was that his own Dad is 86
So I still say were definately getting the Olympics, so llet's get a piece of that action in McHenry County...I'd like to introduce a new sport in 2016, and we could stage it right here in the MCC parking lot...Competitive Parking
Michael Jackson Autopsy Shocker!...he was healthy, they say, good heart, decent lungs, good kidneys...the drugs killed him...I gotta say he looks better than brainless dead guys half his age
What is the official Chicago 2016 Olympic motto anyway?...I think it's "Together, Let's Exploit the Children"
David Letterman admitted to having had sex with staffers on his show last night...he said he was being blackmailed so he participated in a sting operation to arrest the guy...you may recall that his longtime girlfriend, who he married recently, was a staffer too...it just blows me away that the only paradigm for intimacy with Dave is the workplace...he quipped about this being embarrassing...for the women...
And you'll note that no woman has come forward and said they had sex with Dave Letterman, nor is one likely to...it's just not the type of thing you brag about...there's no women who will admit to having had sex with me either...and I'm sure even Georgiann has a hard time coming to grips with the fact that she's had sex with me...in fact, the only reason she occasionally lets me have sex is so she can concentrate on what she's reading
October 1, 2009
Dale Ostrowski, a building contractor from the Elgin area, one of our loyal listeners has written a book...Dale came in to intern for the day with a signed copy of "Love's Second Chances"..it's available at amazon.com and barnesandnoble .com
Just thinking out loud here...if we're going to get the Summer Olympics, will it hurt our chances if we can't prove that we have an actual summer?
A Wal Mart Super center in Nebraska hosted the first ever in store wedding and reception...and yes, all the bridesmaids and the preacher were Chinese
So I hear Rio De Janeiro has declared a holiday to celebrate them getting the Olympics...hold on just a minute there, Pele...are we planning anything to celebrate that we are getting the Olympics?....and make no mistake, we ARE getting the Olympics...before they make the decision tomorrow they're going to have one final oral presentation from the four cities, starting in the middle of the night tomorrow...this final pitch is a 100 meter Freestyle Grovel...you can use both your lips and your knees
Bill from Huntley has sent in hundreds of jokes...funny, but for the most part, not too radio friendly...today one of his jokes got on the air...a male boss our age left his zipper down as he was checking out the garage at work...he noticed and zipped up just as he was walking in...he asks the female receptionist, "when I had the garage door open did you see my Hummer?"..she says, "no, just a worn out old mini van with two flat tires
September 30, 2009
I think this Olympic pandering is going a little too far... Brandy Chastain shows up in Copenhagen and whips off her shirt...I'm tellin' ya...it's getting bad
Mattel is coming out iwth a new line of Barbie Dolls with more decidedly African American features, like thicker lips, wider noses and curlier hair...this is a positive step...but they still eat only rice and pancakes made by the Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima Dolls
Raleigh North Carolina is now giving out licenses to panhandle....it's free, but you need a photo ID...this helps track possible criminals...but are the panhandler's ed classes early on Saturday morning when all the dudes are hungover?
Shocker...several film directors, including Woody Allen are calling for the release of Roman Polanski from that Swiss prison....and what a hell hole, he's stuck in a cell with a guy arrested for being drunk and disorderly with a long horn...all night long its "Riccolaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Kraft is coming out with a slightly modified version of Vegemite, the Australian bread spread made from brewers yeast...I never tried Vegemite, but I think I might like it...I used to drink brewer's yeast in milk, but gave it up by popular request...it causes some bad yeast reactions inside you, and let's just say it comes out here...these became known as "yeasty beasties"
September 28, 2009
Roman Polanski got nabbed by Swiss police over the weekend...it's all about the sex with the 13 year old girl back in 1977 when he fled the country prior to sentencing...Switzerland has a limited extadition agreement with the U. S. so we'll see if he's headed back here...the firl is now in her 49s and she just wants the whole thing forgotten...Polanski filed a motion to dismiss it, but the judge said he'd have to show up in LA, and that turned out to be a dealbreaker....the Swiss were crafty, luring him with an award...I believe it was the Papa John Phillips Award for Lifetime Achievement with a Teenager
Jenny Slate...there's a name everyone will know now...she dropped an F bomb on Saturday Night Live...it was during a really dumb skit with two biker ladies jawing back and forth...I did not think it was intentionsl...and I hope affiliates don't start squawking or dropping the show...they're the ones who, oddly enough, have to pay whatever fines come along
Matt Drufke stopped in on this very windy morning...he said small dogs were becoming kites out there...now that's windy...we talked about how anyone who thinks that Rio has a leg up on Chicago in the Olympic is the same person who watches Matlock and when there's 4 minutes left thinks Ben is actually going to lose the case...I'm telling you its a done deal...a deal I don't like, but done for sure...Matt summed up Rio's advantage in two words: Nude Beach
The guy who founded Th Gap has died...in accordance with his will his body will be folded, discounted and put on a rack
September 25, 2009
Check out the Huntley Fall Fest this weekend...they've got some great stuff to enjoy tonight and tomorrow night...like the NASCAR simulator...it's so realistic that when you climb in the call you can feel a wad of chewing tobacco forming between your cheek and gums...and you start saying things like "yeah buddy:, and "hey Maw, c'mere and look at this before I flush it down"
A strip club in Florida is offering flu shots...and it's a bunch of old people who are going in and getting them...it's a two Metamucil minimum...and a lot of old pervs are asking for the Ba Da Bing in the Ba Da Butt
A guy I've known since 4th grade, Chuck McHenry, was in studio today, along with his WW2 veteran dad, also named Chuck...when I talk about my crazy buddy the bachelor, this is the guy...we heard some of his saxophone music...Chuck refuses to get married again...I keep telling him there comes a time in your life when you want your romantic advances rejected by someone you know
Chuck and his Dad are in town thanks to John and Amy from NASA education corporation to record his stories for the Library of Congress...future generations will now be able to access his mind blowing tales of being in a submarine, dodging land mines and depth charges...fighting to save the world
If you have a Dad like Chuck Senior, get his story told...contact Amy Johnson at (815) 790-7241...she can record the info and submit it to the Library of Congress...they can even fly that person here from far away, just like they flew Chuck in from Cleveland...and if you have a dear frind like Chuck Junior, call him often
September 24, 2009
Romi Herron, representing the Sun Times Group and the Downtown St. Charles Partnership was my intern for the day...she was a little nervous at first, but really got into it eventually...we talked all about the 175th anniversary party for St. Charles this weekend...Sunday night at the Arcada don't miss a benefit showing of Say Good Night Gracie, a show all about George Burns and Gracie Allen, who did their last vaudeville show at the Arcada back in 1931
This John Phillips story just gets stranger...Mackenzie Phillips goes on Oprah yesterday and says the first time she had sex with Papa John it was rape, but became consensual, and the affair lasted 10 years...ohhhhh my.......and she also let slip a weird story of being seduced at age 18 by Mick Jagger...excuse me, but doesn't Mick have enough potential partners?...does he really have to sleep with his friend's 18 year old daughter?....that's like Donald Trump stealing some kid's milk money
Oh and you know who else I feel sorry for...the Papa John pizza guy...I'll bet he's looking to print some pizza boxes that say :better ingredients, better pizza, never raped daughter"
Oprah is headed to Copenhagen to nail down the Olympic deal...shocker huh?...I will say this right now, it is a done deal..I know the feeling when something is getting shoved down my throat...I think it could be the one watershed event that ruins life in the city forever...and I can't see a whole lot of upside for us here in the burbs, except that we're not on the hook for financial shortfalls like they are in the city...unless dragon boat racing becomes a medal event and they do it in St. Charles, then I'm a big Olympic booster
Front page of the Daily Herald today has a guy throwing his recently departed (young) sister a wedding, 9 months after she died...I think that's great...I mean everybody prefers weddings to funerals...why shouldn't it be about life rather than death?...come to think of it, when I go, two words: bachelor party
September 23, 2009
A video of Michael Jackson has leaked out...he is seen preparing for the concerts that never were and perfecting a new signature dance move...the penguin...there's a little fight arm flapping involved, otherwise hard to describe...I gotta give them an credit...its hard to pioneer new dance moves at age 50...I'm working on my own signature movement, but it requires Metamucil
Dorese Bledsoe, the first person who called me on the request line my very first show, came in again to be intern for the day...we got to talking about those red light enforcement cameras and how they're cynical municipal cash cows that don't really fight crime...and kudos to Schaumberg...they decided to can the cams after they realized word of mouth was killing the mall traffic...Ed (the Deerfield cop) from Elgin called to explain that most of the violations are rolling right turns and highly winnable if you contest them...he also said Deerfield has no ticket quotas, but some cities do...I think its going to get to the point where you'll pull up to a light and instead of the firemen with the boot in hand, you'll have a cop with a boot in hand and he'll just make you stand on your head until all your money comes jangling down
Mackenzie Phillips goes on Oprah today with a big stinky secret...she was raped by Papa John....owwww.....after hearing how the Mamas and Papas exhausted all possible (heterosexual) love combinations within the group we hear this...I could never joke about this sort of thing, but Dorese could and did...we called the bit "Comedy Foxhole."..she tells the punchline and I run like a coward under heavy enemy fire...she said it was funny how John Phillips admitted to being the first one to shoot her up with drugs..."guess he shot her up in more ways than one"....immediately there were explosions everywhere...next thing I remember was waking up in the ER
Hotels lately can't give their rooms away...locally hotel room prices are 22 percent off, and in Vegas more like 30 percent...some say its the bad economy, I say its because nobody has had sex since 1998...they may say they have but its all lies, whatever you hear...Oprah has all the sperm and you have to come crawling to her if you want a baby...to pump up California hotel business, 'the campaign is centered around Gov Arnold saying "Getta Room'..."Iknow you're not doing it, but getta room"
September 22, 2009
Interim MCC president Larry Tyree is citing family issues while announcing his resignation...have you been by MCC lately?..I think the real reason he quit is he couldn't get a parking spot
The lawsuit that supposedly brought Bob Barker down (the 9th lawsuit filed against the Price is Right in 13 years) has been thrown out of court...I guess courts are starting to feel that a "Hostile Work Environment" is redundant...and I'm sure they didn't like the kooky damages they were asking...spaying and neutering Bob Barker
Our latest online poll shows 78 percent of you think there is no racism behind the "you lie" congressman...I really can't say it is or it isn't...I don't know the guy...I mean he might have a statue of a black jockey holding a lantern on his lawn or he could have an actual black guy in a jockey suit...I don't know
President Obama himself addressed the Carter comments last night on Letterman..."...I was Black before the election"...there you go
Arthur Ferrante has died at age 88...he and Lou Tiecher (who died last year) had the ultimate Bromance...if somebody cloned Al Franken and put him in matching tuxedos, that's Ferrante and Teicher in their prime...they were innovators, creating many unique piano sounds for their big movie soundtracks of the 60s, like Midnight Cowboy...it turns out they were just good friends...when I found out about Liberace I just assumed they were the"Ambiguously Gay Piano Duo"
Chris Sleigh...remember him?...the American Idol kid from 2007 (season 6) who finished 10th....he looked a bit dumpy, big glasses, Sideshow Bob Afro Hair, good voice...got him?...okay well he launched into this big diatribe on his blog about how the Top 10 finishers will never be famous and never amount to anything...niiiice...and good luck with that season 6 reunion...his immediate plans are to have lunch with Milton Bradley
September 21, 2009
The Emmys were unusual last night...they were actually good...great job by Neil Patrick Harris, who can sing and dance (who knew?)...and they got it right on best comedy (30 Rock) and best drama (Mad Men(...I realized that there must be some good tv I don't watch...Glen Close won best actress in a dram for a show on RX called Damages...Toni Collette (who?) won best comedy actress for United States of Tara on Showtime...Brian Cranston again won best actor in a drama for Breaking Bad on AMC..I do watch that, its amazing...and Alec Baldwin won best comedy actor for 20 Rock
Twitter says they will crack down on all these fake celebrity accounts...Tony La Russa has taken legal action after somebody Tweeted as him about 2 of his players who died...there is a fake Christopher Walen account that 90,000 people read daily...even Britney Spears and the Queen of England have been victims...this is why I like the anti-social networking sites...you like you Facebook, I like Natepad
Matt Drufke stopped in and of course we talked Bears....Matt comes from a mixed household....his Mom grew up a Packers fan and his Dad grew up a Chicago Cardinals fan...Matt has no college rooting interest despite having attended NIU....we got to talking about how teams like Northwestern have a high academic standard and have to play teams like Ohio State week in and week out....Notre Dame has no conference affiliation, and can pad the schedule a bit...in fact this year they've scheduled Catatonic State
An ambulance was called to David Hasselhoff's house, and sources say they led a very drunk Hoff away to the hospital...now that's drunk....yes, gone are the days when Hoff would go out for a few belt of STP fuel injector clearner with the Nightrider car...and you could always count on the car to drive him home...talk about an enabler
September 18, 2009
As I write this, there is a criminal at large in the NW Burbs...a guy facing a long prison sentence, Robert Maday, took guns away from two officers and stole their clothes...I mean this is just like on tv...I tried to catch him by leaving a pie out to cool on the window sill...nothing so far
John Blanchard stopped in from NASA education corporation...we talked about several topics of interest to veterans...if you knew any Vietnam vets whose names are on the wall in Washington, they're rounding up photos for each of the 58,000 names...so far they have around 10,000 faces to go with the names...the pics will be stored in an information center for visitors...if you have a photo, take it to any Fed Ex Office location...they will scan it and send it along
John and I also got into the Veteran's History Project with the Library of Congress...they are looking to make a video records of the oral histories of WW2 vets...we are losing these heroes and we don't want to let their stories slip away...I mentioned my high school buddy's Navy dad, who spent the war in a submarine in the Pacific...John offered to fly to Cleveland and fly him here and back, just to record his history...this will be cool!...if you know and love a WW2 vet, and you want John to record his or her story, call 800 724-9692
We got to talking about the new Fall tv season, and which scripted shows we're most excited about...call it a guilty pleasure, but I like Glee on Fox...I loved The Office last night, and I think Community on MBC has real potential...Jim from Crystal Lake can't wait for the Two and a Half Men debut on Monday night...I used to watch that show, but I've gotten out of the habit recently...Jim said the show has lost a little something now that the kid has grown up...same thing happened with Leave It To Beaver...once Beaver started shaving, its was like, "Nahhh"
September 17, 2009
A double decker twin spin celebrity death sandwich for you today...Henry Gibson at age 73, he was the Nazi in the Blues Brothers movie and the funny poem guy on Laugh In of course...and Mary Travers from Peter, Paul and Mary is dead of leukemia at age 72...you know they say the celeb deaths come in threes...Alan Seus and Pete Seeger are not sleeping well tonight
Peter Paul and Mary started their careers together as backup singers for Pete Seeger...I played their marvelous, energetic version of Pete's If I Had a Hammer...its a great song because its got Walt Whitman's visionary embrace of America...Walt Whitman once wrote, "I Hear America Singing"...that's the America I want...right now "I Hear America Saying 'You Lie" and 'Beyonce Did One Of The Best Videos Of All Times Yo"
I was looking for a third celebrity death to comple the trifecta and saw Burt Reynolds' name...turns out he's just going to rehab for pain killers that the became hooked on after hurting his back...there was one other little medical difficulty too...his body's immune system has rejected his face
Henry Gibson's death led to a quick round of Dead or Alive Laugh In Edition...its almost a trick question because the only dead ones are Rowan and Martin, now Henry, and Jud Strunk, who sang Daisy A Day...all the rest are still alive, even Alan Seus (83), but besides Lilly Tomlin and Goldie, their careers are all dead
September 16, 2009
An ABC News reporter Tweeted the fact that President Obama casually called Kanye West a jackass during the light banter that happens before an official press briefing...and now the tape has also leaked...I blame Twitter...whenever new technology comes along, people naturally assume there's no rules and rational people become frothing zombies...and the tekkie people know it too...if you type one letter wrong on a web address the computer assumes you're drunk..."hey drunkie, want some porn? wanna mortgage? how bout some Viagra eh drunkie?"
Remember that time the cougar wandered into some store in the loop last year and they couldn't figure out how it got there?...well now there's been another cougar sighting..in Wheaton, in a residential area 1/4 mile from Northside Park...the cougar is hungry and dangerous...that's the bad news...the good news is it's Charro...Hoo Chee Koo Chee!
A 107 year old Malaysian woman is afraid that when her 30 something year old husband gets done with drug rehab, he won't come home...you should know this woman looks like Charles Kurault in a Babushka...the husband most likely got hooked on the date rape drugs she put in his food
Jimmy Carter says Obama is getting the current rough treatment because he is Black...do you agree?...check out latest web poll on the main page...I clicked "I Don't Know" because I've never been a Black man in America...I have been a Black woman in America...and I gotta admit I kinda liked it
September 15, 2009
Patrick Swayze died yesterday after fighting pancreatic cancer for 20 months...that's a long time...bravely done Patrick...his movies will live forever...a few years back I worked with Patrick's cousin Bo Swayze...he's somewhere in the Chicagoland area still...I feel like tracking him down, but I kind of feel like a vulture, you know?
You would think the Beatles would have the top spot this week in the UK, but no...its 92 year old Vera Lynn, with "We'll Meet Again-the Best of Vera Lynn"...this woman was like Kate Smith...she made her fame by singing "For the Boys" during WW2...Queen Elizabeth first awarded her the OBE (order of the British Empire) and then made her a Dame...and you know There Is Nothing Like a Dame
Jimmy the Northwest Herald Paper Guy weighed in on today's front page story...a high school girl in McHenry skipped out and protested the fact that the school did not show the Obama education speech, and got slapped with a detention...the parents are protesting now...insane...Jimmy asks, "would the school board say no if Obama wanted to come to the school and speak in person?"...good one
I was skeptical about Jay Leno's prime time venture...until I saw it...wow!...great timing with Kanye West coming on the day after making a jackass of himself...Jerry Seinfeld delivering a surprise video visit from Oprah...great opening joke about President Obama inviting Kanye West and Taylor Swift to a root beer summit...and the overnight ratings are something like a 12 rating with a 19 share, 38 percent higher than his good bye Tonight show
September 14, 2009
Okay, so Cutler had a few jitters...beat the Steelers next week and you get well in a hurry...but meanwhile, is Farve doing anything? have you heard?
I played that Beatles Rock Band video game so much over the weekend I know it frontwards and backwards...if you play it backwards, Paul is dead
Good times this weekend...Saturday was a blast at the Downtown Elgin Car and AFV Show...met State Senator Mike Noland and State Representative Keith Farnham...and Tom Brockner from Tom's Auto Repair...Tom's a real Buick guy...and the Meadowdale Motorsports and Memories car club is having their own classic car show this Saturday to help save the Meadowdale race track, just north of Spring Hill Mall...there were a few electric cars this past Saturday, but the veggie oil car didn't make it...there was a special green car there that ran on tacos...runs good, just stay away from the tailpipe
Matt Drufke stopped in...he's launching a new Midwest Comedy Showcase, Thursday nights at the Penny Road Pub in South Barrington...I talked about a really great movie I saw at the theater last week, 500 Days of Summer...an outstanding romantic comedy that presents a non linear timeline of a bad romance, meaning, they jump around in time within this 500 day period where the guy from Third rock From the Sun is dating this girl...he's in way over his head...it supports the bold and unpopular conclusion that romantic love is something we invent...until the very end, it kind of craps out on that, but the movie is so great I forgive
A tiny teenage country singer named Taylor Swift had the microphone stolen from her at the MTV music awards last night by Kanye West, who crapped all over this poor girl's big moment, saying, "Beyonce had the best video"...this young lady has crooned country tunes on stage, but obviously has never done a remote broadcast from a corn dog fair...the first lesson taught during the first broadcast is NEVER LET GO OF THE MIKE...that advice has served me well, particularly with some drunk people who love grapple...fortunately, the last time I had a grappler though I was more drunk than them and grappled harder
September 11, 2009
Paula Abdul wishes Ellen the "best of luck"...I don't know about the place where you work, but in radio, the "best of luck" is bad...it means you're gone and you have no place to go...if you quit for a better job they don't need to wish you luck because you must already have it, right?...in fact if they really really hate you, the firing memo wishes you the "best of luck with your future endeavors"...translation: "choke on a chicken bone, Paco"...I will probably get no memo at all when the time comes... I'm sure they will just take me out back and shoot me like a horse
Remember Caster Semenaya?...this is the South African athlete competing as a woman, with an amazing time in the 800m run...upon further review they figured out there's no ovaries and no womb and the cahones are there, and they're making testosterone, but they're inside the body...Caster said, "I can still cry at a chick flick , but first I gotta drink beer and fart"
Sun Times columnist and former Clevelander buddy Neil Steinberg joined me on the phone this morning...he's all for Ellen Degeneres on Idol even though she says her handicap is NOT being crazy...Neil admitted to not knowing who Michael Jordan was when he met him...and declared Max and Bennys in Northbrook the finest authentic deli in Chicagoland, although not the equal of the mythical corned beef sandwiches of our youth that we both enjoyed at Corky and Lenny's in Cleveland...if you're ever there...you gotta...I mean you just gotta
Also on the phone, a riveting story from a man who called Aurora home and was on the 105th floor of the South tower at a business meeting the morning of September 11, 2001, who made it out alive...the emotion was obvious in Joe Dittmar's voice as he recalled being in the fire stairwell when the second plane hit his building, seeing the building shake and shudder, seeing the handrails fall off the wall...getting to Ground Zero and hearing the sickening thud of human bodies hitting the ground, leaving "red splotches"...he said the experience confirmed his belief in divine providence...I asked Joe if the experience changed his politics...he said no, the thing was not political, it was human and awful...I asked him, how long do we stay in Afghanistan?...he paused and said he didn't know
September 10, 2009
Did you notice that the Obama health plan unveiled last night on tv before congress is the LEAST popular choice in our online poll...as I write this, only 9 percent of you favor mandatory health insurance with a government option...oh, and my choice? medicare style single payer plan for everyone like Canada? not gonna happen, even though it got claps when he mentioned it...
Oh and remember that tiny disturbance when Obama turned and addressed some heckler?...turns out it was some Republican representative from South Carolina who just couldn't contain himself, shouting, "you lie!"...c'mon pal, where do you think you are? British Parliament?...you saw Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, you have to be recognized in that chamber...totally psycho...I was flicking back and forth at that point to see if one of the networks would focus on the guy...turns out they all have the same video...I expected to turn to Fox News Channel and see the guy giving his own little speech in a split screen and Obama grow a goatee, devil horns and a pitchfork
Steve Jobs held a news conference yesterday, so naturally everybody was thinking there'd be a Beatle announcement...but no, just a new line of I-Pods...also he announced that he had a new liver, donated by a person who died in their 20s from a car crash...I read on somebody's blog that he got a sheep's liver and his new wife is named Baaaaaabara
John Blanchard joined me on the phone talking up Stand Down for Veterans, Sept. 14 and 15 at Camp Algonquin...its for all veterans, but especially veterans who are having a hard time lately...John's take on the Obama health plan is to limit the size of medical malpractice awards through tort reform...he was also pleased to see the members of Congress getting some much needed aerobic exercise during the speech, led by "Jack in the Box" Nancy Pelosi...stand and clap now sit now stand and clap
A tv commercial for skin whitener in India has one light skinned guy offering a dark skinned friend some of the cream because his face is "unlucky"...the ad campaign is being called racist...let me tell you, I'm concerned about the whitening cream itself, it can't be good for your skin...it comes in 3 different strengths, the strongest is "Shea" and it requires a prescription...you'll be like..."...ooo I'm getting whiter...rhythmic ability and soul leaving my bodyyyyy"
Ellen Degeneres will replace Paula on Idol eh?...and they are serious...it will be a different show for sure, I just hope they leave time for people to sing...give her credit though, nobody thought you could do a girl on girl kiss on tv, but she did, and nobody thought you could break into the glutted Oprah market, but she did, and my Mom loved her show...Ellen's funniest line: why pay 5 bucks for a Playgirl magazine? you want a naked man? just ask him...
September 9, 2009
A "gay stripper" disrupted a George Clooney press conference in Italy, wanting a kiss...this happens to me all the tiime with Stew's fancy boys, but then he takes them out for Mimosas
My attempt to cash in on Oprah failed yesterday, as I tried to sell a bunch of onion rings as souvenirs..."O" Rings, I called them...and I thought three bucks per "O" Ring was a great price...I wanted to get close to the stage so Oprah could kiss my "O" Ring...that's when the security guy took out the night stick...that's all I remember
Tonight is the big Obama health care speech...here's what Congress talked about yesterday...either buy health insurance or they fine you $3,800 a year...are you serious?...no government option...no nothin...just a big fat fine if you decide not to take the lame-o plan that costs you like three thou a year at work, the same health plan that your employer knows is lame, but he picks up some of the cost anyway, God knows why...its crippling every business I know...I guess they're afraid you're gonna unionize or something...so how do you collect this $3,800 from say, homeless people?...does the government agent get of the L train and start panhandling?..."can you help a brotha out? Thirty eight hundred, please brotha, that'll do me"...unreal
Can be be too uncool to shop at Abercrombie and Fitch?... Evidently yes....the state of Minnesota has fined the store $115,000 for their treatment of an autistic girl four years ago...I tend to stick to the Dads and Dorks department at Kohl's, but one time I did shop at Gucci...they let me buy a Gucci bag on condition that on my way out of the store I wear it over my head
September 8, 2009
Dom Cavazos from Crystal Lake was our intern for the day....Dom is a music freak who sends regular e-mails, keeping me honest, especially when I pass along historical information...he even dug up a Forgotten 45 that I don't remember from Cheryl Ladd called Think it Over
Now that Oprah is holding the city hostage (Michigan Avenue is closed from Ohio to Wacker) for the taping of her show this afternoon, everybody's wondering what sort of grand gesture she'll make to her audience....she set the bar pretty high with that "YOU get a new car, and YOU get a new car" thing...I'm guessing that this is how the government plans to dispose of all the cash for clunkers cars..."YOU get a clunker and YOU get a clunker"
French authorities are telling their citizens not to do the traditional cheek kiss greeting, due to swine flu...that will never kill the custom...what kills the custom is that creepy guy who wants the kiss to go on for like 40 seconds...women do not fear the swine flu, but they do fear the swine
Governor Quinn seldom uses the cell phone that the state pays for, reports the AP....that's a shame because we're buying him that special "friends and disgraced ex-governors" plan
September 4, 2009
49.8 percent of the American workforce is now women....and by the end of the year women will outnumber men in the workplace for the first time ever...my conspiracy theory du jour is they don't want to pay the more expensive men...I started to get that feeling when the new company health plan came out and they asked all the men to voluntarily get the sex change operation...problem is, if they made me a hot enough woman I would never leave the house if you know what I mean
The Aunt of the young girl who was abducted at age 11 in 1991 by that sex offender guy in California, and miraculously was found alive and well and with two kids by the perv says this is a joyous time for their family...in fact Hallmark came up with a special greeting card just for the occasion, "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, most people don't get raped by a perv and have one kid but you had two!"
Our buddy Tony Orlando was on the show this morning talking about the MDA telethon...he's been anchoring the New York team for the past 31 years...I asked him if he was Jerry's heir apparent and he said no, Jerry was not replaceable...a truly class act
We got on the topic of, "If there's one thing I've learned...."....among the gems....the key to a good PB & J is less PB and more J...don't get your oil changed at noon on Friday, go at 2:30 on Tuesday...dry cleaning is bunk, so is oncology...Guy from chimed in, "If there's one thing I've learned, its that your idea of how long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on"...here's mine: "...if there's one thing I've learned, its never cook bacon in the nude...you might wind up with sizzlin' sausage"
Drudgereport had a cool thing today....20 popular website as they looked when they launched...ah yes, I remember the days when you clicked on AOL and while you were waiting for it to load you had time to play pinochle with the guy who said "You've Got Mail!"
September 3, 2009
The Catholic church has a new prayer you're supposed to say before sex...the only prayer I've ever said before sex was "please God, please may I have sex please?Amen"....but really, wouldn't that throw your timing off just a bit? I mean you don't want anything that might make you fall asleep BEFORE you even do it, right?...and I can see saying grace before a healthy meal, but sex, when its good, is always a little naughty, even with your spouse...I mean do you really say grace before you kill a bucket of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey?
Only one in 5 Catholics in Lake and Cook counties actually attends mass on a regular basis..look for a 1.3 million dollar ad campaign aimed at getting the flock back in the pews..."If you don't go to mass, you might as well have tattoo on your forehead that says loser...we can't let that loser go to heaven...send that loser to hell"
Levi Johnston, th 19 year old father of Bristol Palin's baby, who lived with the ex-gov and her family for awhile has unloaded on the whole family in the latest issue of Vanity Fair...he questioned the ex-governor's work ethic, claiming she was often home afternoons watching wedding and home improvement shows...he also claims she quit the governor job because "its too hard" and felt she could make three times the money writing a book...also, he says she only attended like 15 percent of her son's hockey games and dorsn't know how to shoot a gun...what if he'd knocked up Dick Cheney's daughter?...Dick would have shown him he knew how to shoot a gun
Michael Jackson gets interred tonight at Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale CA...this is a private ceremony but Gladys Knight is expected to sing "if I Only Had a Brain"
Scary thought...now that Disney has bought Spiderman and officially owns everything, including ESPN, which owns everything having to do with sports, I'm guessing that the local baseball broadcast will gradually go away and here's how it will start...teams will stop offering a local broadcast of games at the point where the team is out of contention...they will claim this is to save money....do you know what this means?...it means the Cleveland Indians will only broadcast 20 games a year
Japan's first lady, Yukio Hatoyama, claims she has seen Tom Cruise in a previous life and aliens have taken her to Venus...she is described as a lifestyle guru, former actress and cookbook author...lady, don't you have enough money? shut up!...she is also a fashion designer and "clothes horse"...I'm a clothes horse....that's cuz everything I wear resembles a horse blanket
September 2, 2009
Dorese Bledsoe has been a fan of the show, literally, since Day One...she called the very first day, back at Christmastime of 2005 when there were about a dozen people total listening...she finally interned for the day today and what a blast...I thanked her for believing early on and staying with the show...she said she won't stop listening to the show until it actually gets good
Do Mulder and Scully really exist?...Dorese has a very close guy work buddy who she goes out for drinks with every couple of months or so...he's now married and her friends are telling her to drop him like he's hot, because that's nothing but trouble...the phone response was overwhelmingly supportive of such an at work friendship...I have a hard time establishing real friendships with women...I have, I would say, 5 good friends who are women, one ex wife, two former flames and two who rejected me romantically way back when, bur are grandfathered in as friends...after high school the only female "friendships" I've had are just women who I wanted more than they wanted me, and that's no friend of mine...I know that's kind of messed up, but there you have it
Shania Twain is in town as a guest American Idol judge...they're taping the first phases of the show...everyone in the cast was said to be a pure delight, but Shania did not anyone to talk to her or take pics of her, not even the Idol staff!...we got on the topic of close encounters with celebs who weren't so nice...we got a story of a slightly testy Pat Sajak and a slightly nasty Nat King Cole, who scolded a 7 year old child seeking an autograph all those years ago...can't imagine what was roasting his chestnuts
September 1, 2009
So leaked copies of Blago's new book are out...he claims Rahm Emanuel asked him to appoint a "placeholder" to his U.S> House seat, in the hopes of regaining it in 2010 and going on to pursue House Speaker...Blago also claims he did want something in exchange for Obama's senate seat, namely favors from Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan, so his first choice was Lisa Madigan...he said the arrest scotched all that, and he wound up giving Burris the nod because he says Burris had the ego to battle for what was certain to be a contested seat...one other mild surprise was that Blago planned to set up a Governor's Council on Race Relations headed by Milton Bradley
A German tv station put out a hoax video of "Michael Jackson getting out of the coroner's van alive"...it got YouTubed to the tune of 880,000 hits...it was dimly and poorly shot and unconvincing...my first tip it was a fake was first thing Michael did when he got out of the van was start hitting on some chick
We lost a great songwriter last week, with very little fanfare...Ellie Greenwich, who teamed up with husband Jeff Barry to write a number of memorable hits from the golden era like Christmas, Baby Please Come Home, Da Doo Ron Ron and Leader of the Pack, died at age 68 on Aug 26 from a heart attack...Ellie also took a young Neil Diamond under her wing, helping with his early hits...I played one of my favorite Ellie Greenwich songs, co penned by Jeff and Phil Spector the original Chapel of Love by the Ronettes and also the Ronettes version of Jeff and Ellie's (and Phil's ) I Can Hear Music as the Forgotten 45
Jeff is filling in for Stew and he is also a lifelong Cub fan, although he was born in 1984, and has no large frame of personal reference...I was saying that this Cubs team represents, without a doubt, the most bitterly disappointing Cub team ever...I mean, I was really into baseball in 1969, and what everybody calls the biggest heartache of all was really a very good team that had a bad couple of weeks...those '69 Cubs were 92-70 with two 20 game winners in Jenkins and Hands...this year's Cubs has exactly zero 10 game winners at this point...what to do?...take a plunger to it...they've all got to go
August 31, 2009
Jeff fills in for Stew on news this week...that's a big bad Hawiian shirt to fill
Stan e-mailed me about health care...Stan is a Navy man...he suggested we simply extend the Navy's excellent health care benefit to civilians who are having trouble affording a private plan...sounds good of course, but I'm sure there'd be problems...like maybe the only things covered in network are rickets and scurvy
I saw a movie that made me feel good yesterday...Taking Woodstock by Ang Lee (Brokeback Mountain, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon)...I was prepared to hate it, but it really avoided a lot of movie cliches...sure with Ang Lee you're going to get a heaping helping of :"Gay is A OK"...and if you can get past that, you've got a wonderful movie about a young man who returns to upstate NY, leaving behind a career in art in MYC, just to help his very Jewish parents and their failing motel...he sees an opportunity to welcome a hippie festival that has been rejected by Woodstock and one other town...so he convinces dairy farmer Max to let the promoters use his land...sure there are headaches once the hippies arrive, and the kid doesn't even get close to the music...but that's not the point...the point of the film is to show you that there once was a time when everything was new...a time when words were said like, "gee you really ought to get down the road to Max's place and see some of this festival"...we have to look for those opportunities in our own lives...we need to know that every important thing in our lives is not already history...we have to feel as fresh and optimistic as the flower children did in '69...every day
Local comic Matt Drufke popped in for his usual Monday morning guest spot raving about Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds...he says its the best movie he's seen all year...he says Brad Pitt and his horrible accent are both awful and wonderful and he's only in the movie for about 20 minutes
I was telling Matt there's a Complete Idiot's Guide for everything now...I even saw The Complete Idiot's Guide to Complete Idiots...so I bought it, opened it up and saw my picture
The British tabloid The Sun is saying the father of Michael Jackson's youngest son "Blanket" was made from Macaulay Culkin's donated sperm...I look at the 7 year old and am unconvinced, mainly based on complexion...Blanket looks a bit more like an Afghan to me
August 28, 2009
Milton Bradley must go....he has created a rift between himself and the fans that is now beyond repair...he now says the papers are distorting his words, adding to the swipe at the Sun Times and Tribune by saying that USA Today is the only credible source of information for him...great...you just alienated a city there, pal...but his words were basically these: a few racist idiots are shouting things at him at Wrigley, and while he loves the great majority of cub fans he has hard feelings about the few...this, Dr. King would say, is not productive...you must embrace ALL Cub fans, even the idiots, yes, perhaps pray for a few, but embrace all people who pay your salary...in singling out racist fans, he uses the same twisted logic a racist uses, namely,"I think 90 percent of all, oh fill in the blank, Hawaiians? Dutch? are hard working, respectable citizens, but those 10 percent are scum"...no, sorry, doesn't help anything...you must go now
Sun Times columnist, fellow Cleveland native, and all around good guy Neil Steinberg e-mailed me yesterday saying he couldn't do the interview we'd planned because some friends of his were getting married...I said, no worries, we'll do it next Friday...turns out the two friends are a guy from Chicago and a lady from Norway who met via Neil's Facebook page...the happy couple are seen on the Sun times front page this morning, the first couple ever to get married on the new sky ledge at the Sears, er, Willis Tower...its just another great story Neil will bring next week
Andy Griffith stars in a new big screen movie that opens this weekend...its called Playing the Game...its all about a widower in his 70s learning the modern game of love from a grandson...it looks pretty fun, but the closest place where they're actually showing it is in Skokie...a funny line from the trailer was, "I came into this world sucking on a breast and I plan to go out the same way"
How long will I keep that health care poll up on our home page?..oh I'd say only as long as it takes for everybody to come around to my way of thinking...oh c'mon people, let yourselves go!... vote for the free lunch!....national health plan for everybody with no tax hikes!...we deserve it!...let our grandkids pay for it!...hey, are you telling me you stay up nights worrying about the federal deficit? are you nuts?....they spent a gillion bucks on Iraq without raising taxes...let's do it again!...how about this, we give everybody free health insurance for a year...if you've squawking now, give it a year of no premiums taken out of your check and no doctor bills, huh?...you'll shut up like a clam in cold water
August 27, 2009
Bob Dylan said on his BBC radio show (that I did not know he had) that he was in talks to be the voice of some GPS system...Kim Catrall already is and so is Homer Simpson...I could see maybe a Jimmy Page GPS, if you're dazed and confused...the Dylan GPS works like this, you're lost, you punch in your location and you hear Bob...."how does it feeeeel? how does it feeeeeeel?"
Rick Pitino (Louisville basketball coach) admits that he had sex with a woman in a restaurant several years ago and wishes we'd all just get over it and move on...the woman, as you may already know, is the wife of the team's equipment manager and is being investigated on charges of blackmailing Pitino...this woman looks like Hot Lips Hoolihan from M*A*S*H...I think that the court of public opinion rules in favor of the high profile male dog if and when the bimbo in question passes some sort of glamour sniff test...and if the bimbo is considered attractive enough, the guy gets a pass...based on beauty, the Argentine lady love of the SC governor surely passes, in fact they're all over him because of funds, not cheating...clearly Monica Lewinsky did not pass, and that's why the Clinton thing turned out the way it did...in fact if you look at the Clinton articles of impeachment, the official reason is not perjury, its insanity
We've got a serious poll on the home page of this site, and I'd really like you to click back and check in...its about the kind of health care system we should have going forward...for awhile I was a "keep the current system" kind of guy because I didn't want to be told I had to have health insurance...but after careful consideration I've become a "single payer free health care for everybody" guy...you say, well you're leaving it for our children and grandchildren to pay the massive cost and I'm like, um yeah...that's how its done...we wouldn't be in this mess now if not for the baby boom, and who's responsible for that? Our parents that's who! Fifty years ago Ward and June Cleaver were pumping like pistons!..are they gonna pay for this?....noooooo!
Bill from Huntley sent a brilliant e-mail that previewed the government health care option and its not pretty..."the tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle"..."'patient is responsible for %200 of out of network costs' is not a typographical error"..."the only proctologist on the plan is Gus from Roto Rooter"..."when they prescribe Viagra is two popsicle sticks and some duct tape"...oooo bad plan
August 26, 2009
Good times this morning with Paul Ahrens, John Blanchard, and Amy Johnson, who served as interns for the day and chatted throughout the show about the big Old Time Music Festival at Carpenter Park in Carpentersville this weekend...I introduced them as 60s folk trio Paul John and Amy, and they worked up on the spot renditions of If I Had a Hammer and Guantanamera, but forgot the words...that can seriously hurt your 60s folk career
John and Amy have been in studio several times before, speaking on behalf of NASA Education Corporation, the people who do such great things for our veterans...and did you know that November 21 has been declared John Blanchard Day in Carpentersville?...John has a day....I've never had a day....I asked if he gets the key to the city and he said no...I have the key to Sr. Charles now and i've been lovin' it...I go in the back door and raid the fridge
Papa John, the pizza guy found his long lost 1970 1/2 Camero, buying it back for $250,000...he had to sell his baby back in 1983 to save his Dad's bar and launch his pizza business, but after offering the quarter million dollar reward he was hot on the trail...and it turns out the car has only had two owners since 1983...kinda makes me want to go after my Mom's 1973 Pinto
A great story this morning about a 106 year old Shaumburg woman who got an honorary high school diploma...they gave her a cap and gown ceremony and yep, under the robe she went comando
The Tribune had a story about how they may have to close the zoo in Elgin...it costs $80,000 a year just to feed the bison...I like zoos, so I was wondering if maybe somebody from the community could step up and feed the bison...instantly I thought of Big Sammy's hot dogs in Elgin...but i bet Sammy would take one look at that bison and start thinking about a new menu item...maybe we should just save all the non delicious animals
August 25, 2009
La Toya Jackson is no musical superstar, let's establish that first...this is a woman who, back in the 90s, devoted all of an hour or so laying down vocal tracks for an ill advised techno treatment of Motown covers called "Stop! in the Name of Love"...at the time I said "Stop! in the Name of God"...
But La Toya must feel somewhat vindicated to hear that the LA coroner has now confirmed that Michael Jackson's death was a homicide...you may recall in the weeks following Michael's death La Toya was crying murder, and everybody thought it was an over the top plea for face time...technically a homicide and murder are not quite the same...a physician administers lethal does of anesthetic and that's homicide...that La Toya techno album of Motown covers, now that's murder
Tony Bennett has signed on to do a jazz album with Stevie Wonder...rejected titles include i Left My Heart in the Key of Life and Wonder Why He Bennet
Muammar Gaddafi plans to camp out in a guy's yard in New Jersey next month when he visits the UN...its in a Jewish neighborhood and the people there are understandably upset...I mean with that guy's entourage, just add a couple inflatable camels and you've got yourself a nativity scene
I hope nothing goes wrong with Wal Mart or we're really in trouble...the day I hear Wal Mart is going out of business that's the day we call up China and ask if we can crash on their couch until we get back on our feet...
Have you noticed how like, every commercial on tv is for Wal Mart? And you don't realize it at first because you see some lady talking about Pledge or Tide and then they go..."Wal Mart"...you don't have to advertise anything anymore, just sell it at Wal Mart and they'll advertise it for you...anyhoo, Wal Mart won its battle to build a super center really really close to the Wilderness battlefield in Virginia...Gettysburg is pretty strict about that, although there's a KFC that's been grandfathered in pretty close to the battlefield...it doubles as a confederate museum though...evidently the people in Virginia said, "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn"
August 24, 2009
Lindsay Lohan got burgled!...thieves broke into her Hollywood Hills home and ripped her safe right out of the wall...the joke's on them however, there's nothing but Colt 45 in that thing...everybody knows she hides the Cutty Sark in the Listerine bottle
David Roeder writes in the Sun Times this morning that Sam Zell cost the Tribune Company close to a half million dollars by not selling the Cubs immediately...first he tried to get the state to buy Wrigley Field...which fell through...now you got the Ricketts family, who for $845 million got a nice team and a bum ballpark, in need of major repairs...and sure, they love the team and the park, but here's what they love most...a buck...and if they don't get some public help with fixing it up, they're pushing for new ballpark...end of story...oh, and one tiny bit of good news here, Sam Zell now plans to buy Afghanistan
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual...he did a comedy gig Saturday night at a bachelor party...we compared notes on our own bachelor parties...if ever there's a top 10 lame bachelor parties list I'm on it...my henpecked buddy hosted...his wife promised to go to a movie, but came back a half hour later saying she'd changed her mind...so it was like having your Mom there...very bad...Matt's story was similar, just old guy friends hanging out, very low key...I asked about porn and Matt said he said of everybody there he had the best rack
Matt is all pumped about seeing Tarentino's Inglorious Basterds...sounds like a microbrew..."hey have you tried that Inglorious Basterd Ale? really kciks your butt!"
A woman writes a blog called "Skanks in NYC"...she does not give her name...she calls a model a skank....alleged skank takes exception and google reveals bloggers identity....blogger plans to sue google...this is my problem with new media...accountability...if you call someone a skank, stand and identify yourself....and as for google...how do they know all this stuff?...if one of Stew's sons googles "who used the last of the TP in the upstairs bathroom" will the search turn up Stew?
Oh and since people have been asking...here's how you RSVP to the Pig Roast I'm hosting at Heritage Woods of Huntley on Thur Aug. 27th...I'll be there 4:30-6:30...call (847) 669-5185 or email marketing@hw-huntley-alf.com
August 21, 2009
You know its Friday...Stew wears his bad Hawaiian shirt...its got chucks of pineapple on it...bad shirt...I mean its even got a 17 dollar airport mais tais...its bad I tells ya...as for me I'm wearing a flirty red top from the Dads and Dorks collection at Kohls
Calling all Buick people...do you have a classic Buick?...let me know...I'd love to have a Buicks only car show before the snow flies
Cash for clunkers ends Monday night...big success...there was one disgruntled Cash for Clunkers buyer...the Minnesota Vikings, who paid $10 million bucks for Brett Favre
Tom Ridge, the Homeland security chief with the color coded terror alert system writes in his new book that he was pressured by Rumsfeld and Ashcroft to raise the terror alert level in the weeks before the election in 2004...if true, this confirms my worst suspicions about this kooky color system......at the ocean you have those green and red flags that tell you not to swim...but you can see the waves..."the terror level is orange"...okay what do I do?...do I head underground?...see, you don't change your behavior and they also didn't have to give a reason...its like bad boss syndrome...can you imagine a boss who put little color coded cards on his door?...or the sock puppet boss...."how can you bother me at a time like this? can't you see Mr. Snorky can't find his rabbit?"
Michael Jackson's movie opens worldwide October 28...it will be in theaters for two weeks only....its taken from 100 hours of raw footage of Michael getting ready for his "This Is It" concert tour...tix go on sale September 27...I didn't see anything about price...but I'm braced for 20 bucks at least...would they dare go the Eagles route and charge like 65?...if they do that it had better come with a dumpster sized box of milk duds
Eonline has an interesting conspiracy theory...Paula Abdul is being blackballed by Hollywood...they bring up examples of people who have ticked off the Hollywood establishment and paid the price, like Michael Keaton, who turned down the third Batman movie and left the studio holding the bag with Val Kilmer, and never regained his top star status...David Caruso also walked away from a good thing on tv (NYPD Blue) and had a hard time getting his groove back...now that all of Paula's rumored gigs have fizzled out, it looks like the Idol producers made the decision long ago to phase her out and they may have some sway with future employers...the boy toy scandal, the disorientation, the ponderous dazed look on camera, all these I'm sure led her out the door...in Hollywood they say if can't learn your lines, they'll give you some easier ones, like, "paper or plastic?"
August 20, 2009
Caster Semanya is being asked to take a gender test after having won the Women's 800 meter run in Berlin....Caster first raised suspicion when she (he?) won a gold medal in the Cher Impersonator event
Look for pop up videos next month...in you Entertainment Weekly magazine...wha? yep, it works just like one of those singing birthday cards, but with a wafer thin video screen embedded in the page...CBS and Pepsi are teaming up on this...I can see a day when you pick up your Sun times and my buddy Neil Steinberg pops out of the paper and bites you...which is good because a lot of people say Neil can bite them
A guy won an oil change on the show this morning...and he's blind...hmmm...he laughed it off, saying he could give it to a friend...I have a legally blind friend who often shares tales of an insensitive world...my friend plays golf amazing ly well, but sometimes hits perilously close to the group ahead of him...once somebody angrily thew his ball back...so he sent one of his friends ahead to let the guy know that a blind man hit that ball...when the mad buy heard that the guy behind him was blind he got really mad and teed up a ball and hit it back at my buddy....when asked what wasthat for he said, "that was for not playing at night"
Stew and I got to talking about his Facebook adventures...he has been on for about a month...he finds his friends are mostly radio people who used to work here...some give every detail of their lives...Stew says he doesn't contribute much to the running Facebook conversation...but I would like to take this opportunity to clear up one thing on Stew's page...his "sex video" is really not a sex video at all...sure there's nudity, but I prefer to call it a "beautiful expression of Mommy and Daddy's love"
I can see why Facebook is so hot right now...people have the need to broadcast...I've taken the social networking capability that radio has given me for so many years pretty much for granted...so hey, let me be like an annoying Facebook self promoter and say I'll be doing a live broadcast this coming Thur 8/27 at Heritage Woods of Huntley, just off 47, from 4:30p to 6:30p...we're having a pig roast! yes!...see? do those annoying Facebook people give you a pig roast?...I don't think so!...rsvp today by calling (847) 669-5185 or marketing@hw-huntley.alf.com
August 19, 2009
Our first ever father daughter intern for a day combo, Don and Amanda Listak showed up bright and early and had a blast...first thing we noticed was right on the front page of the Northwest Herald...the Crystal Lake city council and Mayor Shepley are evidently not crazy about the prospect of the park district taking over the vacant former Viking Dodge headquarters...I was thinking maybe they could come up with some kid of Parks for Clunkers program
Amanda will be going back to Indiana University in a few days...there was a good Indiana story in the news this morning about urban chicken farms in Indianapolis...city dwellers finding egg money by raising cluckers...I've been urban chicken farming for quite some time now..in fact, instead of waking up with an alarm clock I am pecked awake every morning...I know it sounds rough, but its still a lot better than the way Rita wakes up Stew
We talked about text messaging and how everyone under 30 feels the need to devote every waking hour to it...Don and I started brainstorming a device that would take voice and turn it into text...I think they already have this, but then our device would take the text and turn it into smoke signals, then take the smoke signals and turn them into drum beats
Also, I shared my visionary invention...a special font that uses your own cursive handwriting to create custom personalized e-mails...I would call it ME-MAIL...the girlies especially would go nuts over this because we are losing that personal touch of writing a letter...guys maybe not so much because as all guys know, cursive writing is gay...but that notwithstanding, will someone just invent this and give me credit and money...my sister the computer whiz says it already exists and nobody wants it and its stupid
And finally we commented on the gulf between Dads and daughters when it comes to pop culture...even though Amanda likes our music and listens, I asked her who Jackie Gleason was and she wild guessed that he was a basketball player...ouch...still the Listaks were delightful...they are like the Von Trapps...I half expected them to exit with the cuckoo clock song..."so long, farewell"
August 18, 2009
Nice phony public apology from Patrick Kane...it was the standard lawyer stuff..."for the pain he caused.."...he didn't cause me any pain...the cabbie, well that might be another matter...he's so young, its like Beaver Cleaver saying" Iapologize to the public for the pain I mighta caused"..."how's that Beaver?"..."well Dad, on acounta I may or may not have dropped a salamander down the teacher's back"
CNN had a story about how 90 percent of our paper money contains trace amounts of cocaine...this is because bills that have quite a bit come in contact with others in ATM machines, etc...its not much per bill, less than a grain of sand on average...and the cleanest bills are said to be ones, the higher the number on the bill, the greater chance of having more cocaine on it...I was not cool enough to do drugs...I tried snorting cocaine with a nickel
Add another rotating female American Idol judge to next season's lineup...Shania Twain joins Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry, and Mary J. Blige...Shania had to audition...they showed her Adam Lambert's video and she was all like "that don't impress me much"
Patrica Heaton from Everybody Loves Raymond was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire with Regis...they asked her a simple math question..."IF a Euro is $1.50 then that's the same as A.thirty quarters B. fifty dimes C. seventy nickels or D. ninety pennies...and she was totally lost...she called her lifeline husband "because he's European" and barely got through the question and time was up...in the end Regis had to walk her through the wrong answers and eliminate them one by one...at one point she offered to put up the $25,000 to charity that she would get with a right answer...maybe she should give the money to her Alma Mater, Ohio State (where she admits, she didn't spend much time in classrooms)
August 17, 2009
Had a great time yesterday at Buffalo Wild Wings in Algonquin...we did the big Miller Beer golf cart giveaway...this was a huge golf crowd...and the rain outside made it the perfect day to scarf down some wings and watch the PGA on tv...the crowd often gasped as Tiger got beat by an unknown named Y. E. Yang...when Tiger leads after 3 rounds of a major, he's money in the bank, but not this time...not making excuses here but Tiger's day got off to a rough start...his wife was all like "Golf? Again? I thought we were gonna go to Hope Depot!"....also his buddy blew the tee time...oh and when he got there he found out the greens fees went up from $32.50 to $42.50 in like one day, like what's up with that?...oh and he was playing behind a foursome of old ladies...it looked like an oil painting, they never moved...so Tiger had his troubles
Today is Mayor Daley's "day off" for non essential city employees...unpaid, of course, to help balance the budget....om the entertainment field we can always get a day off by running a "best of"...maybe the person behind the glass at City Hall could get a lifesize cardboard cut out made and record a continuous loop of "you're in the wrong line, you're in the wrong line"
Mr. Monday Morning Matt Drufke stopped in, fresh off a weekend appearance at The Mecca of Comedy, La Porte, Indiana...so named because all the West Coast comics pray daily in the direction of La Porte...we talked about how Bob Dylan was recently wandering the streets of a New Jersey shore town and got mistaken for a vagrant by a twenty something police officer...we got a chuckle over Bob Dylan's official publicity photo in today's Sun Times...he looks like Vincent Price got up with bad hangover and snorted Keith Richard's Dad's ashes
Matt also wondered aloud why we elected a president based largely on health care and then freaked out when we realized it might cost actual money...I don't know how your health plan is, but ours is great, they pay for your doctor visits...that's the good news...the bad news is you have to go to Michael Jackson's doctor
August 14, 2009
A local boy got the honor of throwing out the first beer at Wrigley...Bartlett's Johnny Machionne turned himself in after people saw him on youtube throwing a beer at the Phillies Shane Victorino...I asked Ed, the cop from Elgin if they ever had to track down something on video...he said a few years back a cop on his staff offered some drunk chicks the option of arrest or...well he unzipped you see and....well he got caught on cell phone and fired
I'd have to say that attitudes toward fan beer throwing have changed...as a kid I watched Detroit fans pelt my Cleveland Indians with glass beer bottles...and let's not forget the 1974 Beer Night Riot in Cleveland...Babe Ruth used to say he didn't mind if you throw a beer, as long as you hit him on the tongue
2009 is the year that EVERY FAMOUS PERSON DIED...PERIOD...and that now includes Les Paul of pnuemonia at age 94...he was going strong until just recently, playing regularly in NYC...you know waht he did for the electric guitar and the studio tricks to make rock and roll sound great...but he was also a pioneer of the music video...I stumbled upon a 5 minute program sponsored by Listerine that surely predated rock and roll...you will never replace a guy like that
In the Telling It Like It Wasn't Department...Rose Marie Shaughnessy joined me on the phone this morning from Oak Park...she and some friends hitchhiked to the original 1969 Woodstock festival and left halfway through the second day because of the miserable conditions and lack of food...she admitted to smoking a good deal of pot and even taking some acid...she said who could forget Jimi Hendrix opening the first day...I gave her the chance to back out...I said you mean Ritchie Havens right?...she said no, Jimi opened the first day...I tried to gently correct her, saying he closed the show the final day and she would have been gone by then...just chalk it up to our mind playing tricks on us as we age
She said single day tickets for the original Woodstock were 6 bucks apiece...we agreed that 500,000 people have never assembled before and likely may never ever again...even the armies of Stalin and Hitler didn't post those kids of numbers...when Lee faced the Union armies at Gettysburg you were talking 100,000 plus but not a half a million...and Woodstock came off peacefully, despite the harsh conditions...see Rose Marie onstage this weekend at the Galt Airport Woodstock tribute
According to a Raleigh TV station, John Edward may admit that he is the father of his ex-mistresses 18 month old girl...what he hopes to gain by that i'm not quite sure...will he have to buy birthday cars now, and does Walgreens even have a card for that......hmmm let's see, here's one, "Hope your birthday is filled with joy and laughter from the man who did the mattress mambo with an ex-staffer"
August 13, 2009
Yesterday BestBuy was offering a 52 inch Samsung TV for $9.99...ooops...they call it a plasma screen tv because the employee who made the mistake was beaten so hard he needed extra plasma
We had a great Woodstock moment today...I played At the Hop, performed by Sha Na Na...it blows a lot of people's minds that Sha Na Na played just before Jimi Hendrix closed the festival...their performance was included both on the original soundtrack album and the original film...some got into their performance, some chuckled at how out of place these greasers looked at the high water mark of hippie culture...but if you're looking for the starting point of the 70s Happy Days Grease nostalgia craze, you could find it right there that morning at Woodstock
Had a great time this morning with our special intern for the day, Laura from Galt Festivals...we talked all things Woodstock, including Arlo Guthrie's great story of how he was on a rotating stage with a partition and while they were setting up he said he was too loaded to go on...they said "too late, you're on"...he was so loaded he didn't notice the stage had already turned toward the crowd
And we got on the topic of Joni Mitchell and the Woodstock song...I said I wasn't sure if she was actually there...Cathy e-mailed to remind me that Joni was NOT there and a bell came on...thanks Cathy
August 12, 2009
If you were up in the middle of the night and far enough from the city lights, there were some awesome Perseid meteor showers...if I'm gonna take a meteor shower i gotta have my Irish Spring...cosmic yes, but I like it too
So Billy Mays had a cocaine problem, according to the coroner..."Are you tired of the endless snorting down powders that won't get a fly high? Hi, Billy Mays here for Oxy Crack"
Talked to Gary Puckett on the phone this morning...he's on the bill along with Davey Jones at the Wisconsin State Fair tomorrow night...he's got "new" old stuff from circa 1974, The Lost Tapes, available at his website and on site at the fair...one of the more thoughtful moments of the interview was after having heard the brilliant and seldom heard "Don't Give in to Him"...I asked him why it didn't go further and he said he initially hated it, but likes it now...I asked him if he wishes now that he'd had a sophomore flop and tried something different, instead of creating several terrific, but similar sounding songs...he said that was not an option then, you had to stick to the assembly line approach, and because he did there's now a whole generation of people who come to the shows and sing song after song after song
The day after Michael Jackson died i predicted he would not be buried, but rather displayed like Lenin in Russia...well, half a brain and all, he's STILL not in the ground, according to papa Joe...he told Eonline that he and the family would never visit a Neverland Las Vegas attraction, but "the fans would come"...and I still say they're gonna prop Michael up in the corner and charge 10 bucks to put your nose against the glass...though the last time i saw anybody pay 10 bucks to see a guy with half a brain was at my last comedy show
August 11, 2009
Police say a drunk guy punched an officer's horse at Lollapalooza...he faces stiffer penalties thanks to "Mongo's Law"...ooo Blazing Saddles reference, sweet
Scientists in the Himalayas have discovered no less than 350 new species in the past few years...among them a flying frog and a tiny deer, measuring 25 inches...a Himalayan scientist''s son discovered the deer when he kept ramming into it with his Hot Wheels cars
I've resolved to play more of your requests...some I got this morning were especially good, like :"Go Now" by the Moody Blues and "Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul and Mary...we've also had a few Woodstock moments thrown to the show this week...this morning we featured Jefferson Airplane taking the red eye flight, performing early on Sunday morning of the festival after lengthy rain delays...we should have the good weather this weekend at the Galt Airport Woodstock Tribute ...this year they're looking to re-create the musical experience with spot on tributes to Jimi Hendrix, Creedence, Janis Joplin, Santana, Grateful Dead, The Who, CSNY and Joe Cocker...this is to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the original festival near Bethel NY
An English language newspaper in China is saying the government there is watching your texts, and if they are deemed dirty, you could be put in jail 5 days for the first offense...and they "dirty" texts i saw were pretty mild too..."your Kung Pow chicken is turning my crab Rangoons into egg drop soup"
August 10, 2009
So Patrick Kane of the Blackhawks is facing felony charges after a Buffalo cabbie says Kane and a young male relative started an argument over 20 cents change from a cab fare, beat him and robbed him...Ed from Elgin says Kane gets a slap on the wrist...I see that too...but looking at the 20 year old hockey star, who looks like he's a high schooler, you wonder why the dabbie didn't just witch slap him
Both Dancing with the Stars and So You Thin You Can Dance are wooing Paula Abdul...she's narrowed down her short list to So You Think You Can Dance, So You Think You Can Drink and So You Think You Can Take Roofies And Not Molest A Hot 20 Year Old Guy
Matt Drufke made his usual Monday morning appearance, and we got to talking about Patrick Kane, and how hockey is the only sport that has its own system of corrections...you slash somebody across the face with a hockey stick, and what do you get, 2 minutes?...I think this has given him a warped sense of the American legal system...roughing a cabbie? he's probably thinking that's 5 minutes, tops
A weird story this morning of an Iraqi 6 year old who was kidnapped by some militant faction and tortured...they even tried to pull his teeth...kid said it was all good...they had the latest Maxim in the waiting room
August 7, 2009
Sonia Sotomayor has finally been confirmed as Supreme Court Justice...the Senate tried this last minute thing called "Clunkers for Judges"...if you're president, you trade in your Sotomayor nomination and they give you an81 year old white guy judge in a '93 Buick
The producers of American Idol may have left the door ajar for Paula Abdul...negotiations may resume, but first she has to get a physical from Michael Jackson's doctor
Elaine Mazur was our intern for the day...not just anybody gets to do it on a Friday, but Elaine is like family...in fact, we're all like family here...its the Manson family, but hey
In Brazil they've started putting scary pictures on cigarette packs...diseased lungs, guys with cancer etc...and on the Skoal and Copenhagen cans they plan to put pictures of Junior Samples from Hee Haw...Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhh!
Had a surprise call from Bill Christopher (from MASH)...he's coming to the Hemmens in Elgin August 12-16 in a musical called Church Basement Ladies...I chatted about his Andy Griffith Show experiences...he played Opie's doctor once and also the taxman...he hooked up with Andy via his friend Anita Corsault (who played Helen)...I never knew that
August 6, 2009
According to Bill Zwecker in the Sun Times. American Idol staffers celebrated Paula Abdul's departure from the show...word was they were offering roughly twice the 2 to 3 milion bucks she was making and she balked...the British Sun newspaper says Simon Fuller is talking to Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice, to replace her...meanwhile Paula plans to return to music as "Old Spice"
Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith went to the hospital after taking a fall from a catwalk while performing at Sturgis last night...he jumped right up after the fall to indicate he was okay...but this sounds serious...they say his lips required a separate ambulance
Hannah Smith and proud pop Brain came to bask in the victory glow after Hannah from Huntley was crowned Miss McHenry County last night at the fair...Hannah was walking on air, living the dream...nobody told her that part of the dream was a sit down at an ungodly hour with a guy wearing headphones and his best bad Hawaiian shirt
I wanted to play a Queen song for the Queen...first I though of We are the Champions, which works, but then I'd have less time to talk to her...so I thought maybe Fat Bottom Girls...um, no...I settled on You're My Best Friend, which is what beauty queens always say to me
We got to talking about childhood playground rhymes...some were universal..." I See London...", "Liar Liar", "Step on a Crack"...at my school we had a whole series of rhymes with bad Mom outcomes...."Get in the lunch line last, put your Mom in a body cast"...it wasn't so much a school as it was a chiropractic clinic
We got to talking about a little girl in California who had her lemonade stand shut down by the city...which reminded me of another playground rhyme..."Milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made"
August 5, 2009
There is a piece of sculpture from ancient Egypt in the Field Museum that looks EXACTLY like Michael Jackson..its on the front page of the Sun Times...in other Jackson news, you may have heard that mother Katherine Jackson has been awarded custody of the nose
Guy from Elgin interned for a day for a record setting 6th time this morning
Speaking of records...Stew hosts the McHenry County Queen Pageant tonight for the 14th consecutive year...Guy asked him if he wears a tux and Stew said yes...then he asked if he wore a dickey...I said yes, that is if Rita let him walk out of the house with it
As Guy is our Inter Emeritus we allowed him to have his own feature...we called it Guy's Guys...guys that Guy admired growing up and he picked Styx...he had a tale of a close encounter with the band circa 1970 when nobody knew who they were...we played the first charting Styx single...Best Thing...good tune
Guy also provided the official Forgotten 45...King Midas in Reverse by the Hollies...that album, in America called Dear Eloise/King Midas in Reverse WAS Christmas 1967 for me...in England they called the album Butterfly...it was the Hollies answer to Sgt. Pepper...we also played what I feel is the best cut on it which should have been a 45 in America bu wasn't...Step Inside
Paula will not be back on American Idol...Stew called it...she announced her resignation from the show to the world via Twitter...could this have been some impulsive 3 glasses of wine decision that blindsided her agent?...I wonder...at any rate we all are adjusting to a world where random thought pass for press releases
Bits of John Quincy Adams personal diaries are being revealed and they read like tweets..."women sick"...um okay...you remember John Quincy don't you?...he's the one with the uni-sideburn...I mean those are not pork chop sideburns, those are veal cutlets
August 4, 2009
An employee at Ridgefield Industries in Ridgefield discovered "spycam-like device" in the ladies restroom...a guy is facing felony charges there...they never seem to put cameras in guys bathrooms, but if they did they'd get some great drama...back at the old Cleveland Stadium it was medieval..you had to pee into a tub with other guys standing around...those conditions made it hard to perform for me, and I would turn into Lawrence Olivier, whispering under my breath, "come on my beauty, give Daddy some of that golden sunshine"
The number of people taking anti-depressants in the U.S. has DOUBLED since 1996...13 million then, 27 million now
...also the number of people who accept the word depression to describe their current condition has never been higher...our Moms and Dads couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, felt sad and didn't enjoy anything...they didn't call it depression, they called it MARRIAGE
There is a new strain of HIV virus, and scientists say it comes from gorillas...listen Pallie, if you're so drunk you don't even know you're sleeping with a gorilla, you got no business going to the disco
A 69 year old guy in Florida bought a scratch off lottery ticket worth $500,000 and lost it before he could cash it in...this would never happen with a woman...even in the old movies, where does that kind of thing go?...right down the front into the boob locker...men need a boob locker...or a pouch...when I was 8 I used the front of the tighty whities...at one point I had a box of Milk Duds, a pack of matches and a frog down there...that's a party in my pants I've been trying to top my entire adult life
August 3, 2009
Thanks to Elgin Mayor Schock for hooking me up at Fox Firefest on Saturday...there was only a mayoral meet and greet with CCR, so thanks to the Mayor I was able to get a brief handshake with Doug "Cosmo" Clifford, the original CCR drummer...I decided to hang around backstage and take some concert pics...right before the band went on they stopped to chat and posed for more pics...the drummer from the warm up band, The Verve Pipe wanted a pic of him and Cosmo and original CCR bass player Stu Cook...funny...even if you're in a band with a national hit, you still geek out when close to your rock and roll idols
Is 100 years long enough for the Lincoln penny?...some say let's go with the Obama penny, but it would be too hard to make change
Mr. Monday Morning, local comic Matt Drufke popped in gushing about the new Judd Apatow, Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen movie Funny People...Matt loved it as a comedy and a drama about a famous comic who makes bad movies, finds out he's dying of cancer, then reaches out to a young comic (played by Seth) to write for him, and then seeks out the woman he left behind...I thought it was about 30 percent of a great movie...I was into it for the first hour, but by the time the 2 1/2 hours was up i was convinced it was the longest movie ever made...it started funny and got serious and implausible..and the there were various annoying things about the movie, like Apatow publicly grinding his ax against NBC and giving his own real life family almost as much face time as the stars
But THE funniest moment in Funny People was provided by James Taylor, playing himself...he gets asked by the young comic if he ever gets tired of playing the same songs over and over again...he shoots back, "Do you ever get tired of talking about your junk?"
I've had this ear problem for about a week now...I think I got water stuck in my ear from swimming last weekend...I have some ear drops, which I mistook for my wife's drops, which are for some feminine thing that I don't even wat to know about...one night last week I used the wrong drops...I figured something was up the next day when every guy was whispering in my ear about dinner and a movie
July 31, 2009
A 7 year old Utah boy decided it was too hot to go to church, so he took Mom and Dad's car and drove off, with police in peusuit for about 10 blocks...sometimes going 45 MPH, despite having trouble reaching the pedals...this surely tops my at fault accident at age 3...in both cases there were no formal charges, but in my family, if the motive was to avoid church
my parents would have petitioned the court to have me sentenced to hard labor on a chain gang
Seinfeld Reunion?...well kind of...you know that all of the Fantastic Four have agreed to be on episodes of Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm..here's how its gonna go down...Jerry will appear in 5 and the other 3 will be in at least 4...the plot line is a Seinfeld reunion...you will see them writing it, and you will see pieces of it being performed, but you will not see the whole thing? got it?...certain familiar Seinfeld themes will return with twists, like The Wager...this time they make a bet to see who can go the longest without changing their adult diapers
Here is the Springsteen Scoop...the Working on a Dream Tour invades the United Center Sunday September 20th...Bruce and the E Street Band will be performing, among other things, the entire Born to Run Album...tix on sale tomorrow at 11...Ticketmaster .com or call the United Center box office @(312) 559-1212
As you know by now I will NOT be performing with the Lennys tomorrow at Elgin's Fox Fire Fest...and let me explain the reason in terms of dating and relationships...fact is the Lennys are too hot for me...it was magical when we met and first played, but for me it was infatuation and I got carried away...they are really not in my league...I started getting the hint when they would change practice at the last minute from Dave's Dad's garage to some Motel 6 in the bad part of town...I'd show up and hear them playing...I'd knock on the door of Rm #302...and then it would be all quiet....I'd hear "housekeeping"in this phony female Hispanic accent...I got the message
What I really need is a band that needs me...where I'm in control of the relationship...I need to go find a really lousy band at a bar...get them drunk, take them back to that Motel 6 and have rock and roll with them
July 30, 2009
So today its the Harvard professor, the cop, and the President all sitting down to a beer at the White House...this whole ugly incident only proves to me that you can't cram 400 years of race relations into one arrest...bottom line: a citizen is entitled to a courteous cop and a cop is entitled to a courteous citizen...the simple things your Mom taught you would have gone a long way here...the prof has chosen Red Stripe. the cop Blue Moon Ale, and the Prez chose Bud Light, effectively alienating his Chicago Old Style base...did he have to fight the urge to pick "Colt 45, The One Beer To Have When You're Getting Crunk With Your Homies and Torching Your Political Career!"
Michael Phelps followed his stunning defeat with an equally stunning world record yesterday...he credited a Snickers Bar...ever seen Caddyshack?
Moments after I did that joke some guy called and snarled "it was a Baby Ruth bar, get it right" then hung up...people take their Caddyshack very seriously
This just in...Camaroun has put a Speedo on the Snickers bar and announced it will compete in the upcoming Olympic games
Remember Gorbachev?...believe it or not, he's still around...his wife Raisa, died a while ago and now he's the singer of an album of tender loves songs dedicated to her...the album is called, You Put a Weird Looking Winestainlike Splotch On My Heart"
Kara has signed a new American Idol contract...Paula remains unsigned...word is she has been offered a deal but the $ ain't right...they're offering to work with her though, instead of a flat rate, they've proposed paying her by the drug induced hissy fit
Good news, the Lennys are not "Pete Besting" me...mainly because in order to get kicked out of a band you have to actually first be a member, and I never was...that and the small matter of me not having been at practice...geez...being in a band is strict!..I can still introduce them on stage though, and I will this Saturday at Fox Firefest in Elgin...they will be first up, then the Verve Pipe and Creedence Clearwater Revisited
July 29, 2009
Speedo Shrinko...Michael Phelps lost the 200 meter freestyle yesterday to a German who was wearing a soon to be banned swimsuit that gives you an edge...Michael had his own unique gear...a snorkel that doubles as a bong
Minnesota Vikings head coach Brad Childress says Brett Favre will NOT play for the vVkings this year...Farve had this statement...."Right now I am devoting all my time and energy to getting maximum press coverage for my future retirements and possible comebacks...I have no time left for actual football"
This is officially the coldest July in chicagoland since they started using the official inland temperature back in 1942...before that they recorded the cooler lakefront temp, but even then you'll only find a handful of cooler Julys than this one...we asked our meteorological expert, the tortoise from the Bugs Bunny cartoon, how cold its been and he said its been so cold the Good Humor Man is now officially known as the Cranky Ol' Bastard
A woman in Georgia is suspected of running a strip club out of her basement and serving alcohol to teens...where were the parents? where were the cops?....and where was this woman when I was a kid?...Stew would never take his 13 year old son to Hooters even, but another buddy has taken his 12 year old twice to Hooters...its a guy thing...I can't see a Mom taking her 12 year old daughter to a place called Oscar Mayers, can you?
July 28, 2009
Farrah's revenge...of her $5 million dollar estate, exactly zero will go to Ryan O' Neal...most of it goes to son Redmond, with trustees to manage the fund and make sure he gets sober and stays sober...some money went to Farrah's alma mater, the Univ. of Texas...a special set of Texas Longhorns went to Ryan with directions attached:"Sit and Spin"
"I never had admiration of Lance Armstrong and I never will"...harsh indeed, and from the lips of Tour De France winner Alberto Contador...Lance as you know, is French toast, having finished third...Lance checked the Berlitz phrase book and shot back something in French about how he was a baby souffle
Waht an amazing turnout...what an emotional day...yesterday we were out at Streamwood High School to welcome home Bravo Company (1st Batallion/178th Infantry) of the Illionois National Guard as they returned from Afghanistan...on the phone with me this morning was Sargeant Patrick Carroll...I asked him how much target practice they did over there because I figured I could use some...over the weekend I got my first taste of skeet shooting...the Sargeant knew that the clay pigeons look like unirnal cakes...all this time I thought Native Americans were sitting there carefully making clay birds for us to blast with shotguns
Congress is talking about taxing plastic surgery to the tune of 10 percent...bad idea...taxing smokers I can see because smoking increases the total cost of health care, but not plastic surgery...they're talking about taxing people, a lot of them entertainers, or somehow in the public eye, who are just trying to look better and younger and boom, they get taxed...three words: Boston Boob Party!!!!!....please join me won't you, ladies?...we'll figure out where to put the tea bags
July 27, 2009
The CABA international youth baseball event in Crystal Lake had a special guest star this weekend...the San dDego Chicken...I was checking it out online and I was thinking the chicken looked a little small...turns out I was looking at Stew's Facebook page and that was the front of his San Diego Chicken thong underwear
The Octomom has inked a reality show deal...not sure about the concept yet...the best one I've heard is the lottery show...you put numbers on the diapers and put the kids in a big glass uterus...they pop out and voila, you got you lottery number...and then you guess which one needs a changing...boy talk about a Powerball
Went camping this weekend with my very tight group of high school friends....camping sucks...Matt Drufke popped in and said it best, "I have a hard enough time sleeping, I don't need crickets to remind me"
I saw a story about a massive police bust of a parakeet fighting operation...for real...and you thought it was just dogs and roosters...nope, songbirds also go at it to the death evidently.....how small does an animal have to be before we say "okay, let em have it out"...mice? hamsters? ants?...all could be pets....for legal animal deathmatches I think you're looking at "Plankton Smackdown"
July 24, 2009
Summer is magical...and never more so than when you're 13 years old, you see a perfect game by Mark Buehrle from the center field stands at the Cell....Stew's son Brant joined me this morning to share the experience, which included a close encounter with President Obama's motorcade on the Kennedy...he did a drive by shout..."....Mr. President, your goal of health care reform by the end of August is unrealisssssstiiiiiiiiiic"
Brant also knew about the Taco Bell dog, even though he was 2 when the "Yo Quiero Taco Bell"campaign was hot...his kindergarten bus driver had a Taco Bell Dog bobble head...so Brant knew that the actual Taco Bell dog, Gidget, died of a stroke at age 15...Brant says Gidget Tweeted him from the hospital..."Yo Quiero Blue Cross"
Jim Peterik took a moment on the phone this morning talking about his new smooth jazz band Lifeforce...they've got a show tomorrow night at the Abbey Pub on Grace st. on the North Side...Jim also mentioned that he has written a tune specially for the Olympics and presented it to Mayor Daley...so we GOTTA get the Olympics now
Celeste Walker also checked in from the Arcedium Coffee House in St. Charles (site of our triumphant Ides of March mini concert two weeks ago)...she is now a proud Stepgrandma...we also talked about the Walter Cronkite funeral...Andy Rooney was almost overcome with emotion...then he started moaning about how 40 percent Bran Flakes are now Post Bran Flakes and they're only like 16.5 percent bran...and then, "hey you kids, get off my lawn"
July 23 ,2009
You know Mike Bartz...he did sports on the Channel 9 Morning News for years, then went to ABC's Good Morning America...then for some odd reason he came back to town in March 2007 and started doing the local Fox morning show...according to Lewis Lazare's Sun Times column, he had an incident very early on at an office party where he was allegedly dirty dancing...now there's another allegation of dirty dancing at an office party and he's been fired...nobody puts Mike Bartz in a corner, nobody
Former Sox pitcher Jim Parque bares his soul in this morning's Sun Times...in an open letter to the editor he humanizes the steroids issue, saying he was injured and stubborn and scared back in 2000, and took human growth hormone (while baseball was still developing its steroids policy) just to survive professionally...must reading....oh and he took one other substance....butter...Parkay...butter
In these tough times, more women are giving their eggs to clinics and more guys are serving up their tadpoles to ladies in lab coats...it sounds perfect, getting money for something you love to do...but I think every guy gets some idea how hot a commodity his tadpoles are as early as prom night, and for me, the answer is not so hot...in fact I'll bet women in lab coats would pay gold ingots to avoid having to deal with my tadpoles...but it turns out they're looking for young, sane, healthy guys with clean prison records anyway...its just as well...can you imagine being married and going to the clinic to do ...that?..."go ahead!!! go see your lady with the lab coat!!!!I'll bet you remember the color of her eyes!!!I'll bet you remember her birthday!!!!!!
Governor Arnold has a Twitter video where he's talking about slashing budgets and wielding a big knife...not a good look considering California is looking at releasing some 27,000 prisoners because they can't afford to feed and house them..."You didn't elect El Stiffo", says Arnold...ooo and never mention El Stiffo when you're holding a knife either
July 22, 2009
The NY Post has published pics of the "keyhole video" of ESPN's Erin Andrews...two things...first, if authentic, these pics are evidence of a crime, a serious crime, and anyone who looks at them is a party to that crime...second, they didn't even get her good side (barrumpa)..seriously, don't support this sick public obsession...nip it!
Jackson Browne has settled with John McCain out of court over the misuse of Running On Empty (to describe Obama's energy policies during the campaign)...he says from now on he can only use Redneck Friend and The Pretender
For 200 bucks you can pet the Beluga as part of the "Beluga Encounter" at the Shedd Aquarium...Im not petting anyone's Beluga...not without dinner and a movie first
The last of the legal obstacles is gone, so Grace Hall in Woodstock will soon be demolished...Orson Welles went there as a boy...I love John Candy's Orson Welles impression and played a little bit of that from an 80s Billy Crystal special...the bit was Orson doing a magic trick that was taking forever and he refused to leave the stage until Billy mentioned there was food in the green room and he was gone like vapor
My sympathies go out to you if you live in Hoffman Estates, Shaumburg, or anywhere in Cook County for that matter...they vote to knock .5 percent off the county's cut of the sales tax, knowing full well that Stroger will veto it...they look like they're doing their jobs and the beat goes on...also I'm sure they thought nobody would notice that they just decriminalized pot in unincorporated areas of Cook County, making it a $200 ticket for small time posession, but the Sun tTmes went with it on Page One...Sherriff Tom Dart was surprised by the timing, and Stroger was also reluctant to claim credit or even knowledge...he told Channel 2, "I don't know, I wasn't paying enough attention to it..I'll find out about it later, I can't comment on it"....he then took a hit and added "got any Twinkies?"
July 21, 2009
The 5 germiest tourist sites....Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (the hand print thing), The Chewing Gum Wall in Seattle (wow), Oscar Wilde's Tomb in Paris (women kiss it), Blarney Stone (they kiss that too), and St. Mark's in Rome (no clue)...I was a bit surprised a local germ hut didn't make it...Joe's House of Gonorrhea
There is a video of ESPN's Erin Andrews getting undressed in a hotel room circulating around the internet...either she's the actual victim of a peeping tom, in which case anyone viewing the video is a party to the crime, or she wink wink is putting it out there to get attention...either way, to view it sucks you in to some unspeakable evil...and, it turns out, a computer virus as well...MSNBC says most sites offering the video are only offering the virus....I tried to tell my buddy the perv it was a Trojan Horse and he said he'd download it anyway cuz he didn't know they made Trojans that big
2009...the year that Every Single Famous Person Died...add to the list Gordon Waller of Peter and Gordon...died Friday at age 64 in the shadow of Cronkite...i played a Paul McCartney tune performed by P & G, "Woman"...Paul wrote it under a pseudonym, just to see if he could make a hit on its own merit, without the McCartney name...it hit #14 in the US
An Ohio man is facing felony charges after telling a telemarketer that he planned to come down there, burn down the building and kill all the employees...while I cannot defend his choice of words, I wonder if this was any kind of serious threat, and also whether or not he was somehow provoked...I mean c'mon...we've already agreed that there should be some protection from telemarketers in the form of no call lists....is a man not safe in his own home from being goaded into blowing up?...I admit i used get angry with telemarketers, but now I'm calm and firm....we got a call from a lady who says she hands the phone to her 6 year old son loose on them...she promised to call back tomorrow and let me try to sell him something
July 20, 2009
59 year old Tom Watson had a short putt to win the British Open yesterday and blew it...this is important only because nobody even close to his age ever won a major golf tourney...he had a good excuse though...he stopped for a hot dog at the turn and you know what a stress out that can be, wondering if you'll lose your place on the 10th tee...oh and there were also these rednecky guys in front of and behind him...no shirts, no shoes, driving their carts through sand traps, throwing beer cans all over the place, stopping in the middle of the fairway to do some deer hunting
Speaking of old guys, hte world oldest guy died over the weekend...Henry Allingham, 113, born in 1896, WW I vet..one of the few surviving founders of the Royal Air Force in England...would you want to be around after you hit 100? the chances are greater and greater that you will still be around...in 1950 there were only a couple thousand people in the world over 100...now there are 340,000...and by 2050 when the baby boom kids start reaching the 100 mark there may be twice that many...oh and over the weekend an 81 year old guy in Portland Oregon qualified for a Nascar race...Hershel McGriff was easy to spot...he was the guy who had his turn signal on the entire race
Matt Drufke stopped in (he was born 10 years after we landed on the moon)...I was talking about how watching it on B&W tv (actually falling asleep while watching it on B&W tv)was the single most unimpressive thing ever seen as a kid...Matt was amazed that most people seemed to think beating the Russians at hockey was a bigger deal...those Russians hate our freedom, we were told...I'm not sure standing in a bread line was their idea of fun, said Matt...we don't seem to like freedom, I added, taling about the ridiculous plan to ban tobacco in the military...Matt agreed, saying he thhnks we should offer the military things that are illegal to others....like cocaine and whores
The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into a garage in Racine...and didn't even call the garage the next day, although it promised...some lawyer will have to get up in traffic court and argue that the garage was promiscuous and led the Wienermobile on
July 17, 2009
They're auctioning off a genuine Marilyn Monroe bra this weekend...the surprising part is it resembles a modern Wonder Bra...I never thought Marilyn needed a whole lot of help there...also up for auction: my Wonder Tighty Whities
The guys at NASA lost the tape of the 1969 moon landing...wouldn't you want to save that?...they had to scrounge some grainy footage from people around the world who recorded it....and they sent that to the same people in Holly wood who restored Casablanca and voila, it looks real good now...but how embarrassing for NASA...turns out they taped over it with an episode of Bosom Buddies
Front page story in today's Northwest Herald shows a state employee, whose job it is to rip down all the garage sale signs from phone poles...I'll bet he's a busy guy...by the way are you thinking of haiving a garage sale....seriously?...you DO know that everyone on your block is hoping to turn a house full of crap into a house full money just like you...but it ain't gonna happen...they all bought the same crap you did, and they now wish they had their money back...there's 5.3 garage sales for every man woman and child in 5 counties...I'm amazed Allis Chalmers hasn't come up with some sort of garage sale sign zamboni
July 16, 2009
So the Sears Tower will now be the Willis Tower...even though they're based in London, the people at Willis Group Holdings (an insurance broker) must realize that we've got a whole can o' "Whatchoo Talkin' Bout Willis?" and don't make me open it...at first I thought Willis must have been the guy Roebuck rejected..."how do you like me now Roebuck?"
An 11 year old girl in from England who weighs only 81 pounds was on a fishing trip in Spain when she caught a 193 pound catfish...the only injuries she suffered were bruises when she tried to stop a truck full of hush puppies and cole slaw
Paul McCartney was on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theatre yesterday...he did a live mini concert and a taping for the Dave Letterman show...some killer tunes...Coming Up was really good...Helter Skelter also...and I'm even warming up to Paul's hair dye job...and and this just in....from now on The Beatles will be referred too as The Willises (see above)
There's a video out now (why now? dunno) at the British Sun tabloid site of Michael Jackson catching fire during the Pepsi commercial shoot...its really awful to watch...his head was on fire and he did what almost anybody would...he ran...and then did a few spins for good measure, all of which made the fire worse...I don't like to be close to pyrotechnics...a few years back I introduced the country group Big & Rich at Country Thunder...they told me be careful of the "cans" as you walk off the stage...those "cans" are fireworks canisters...can you imagine...me riding across the sky with a can up my butt?..."I'll get you my pretttyyyyyyyyyyyyy..."
July 15, 2009
Lefty did all right last night...President Obama's lob got scooped out of the dirt by Albert Pujols
and the All Star Game was on...I 've only done that ceremonial first pitch thing once...it was in Nashville...I so worried about the worm burner that I wound up and heaved one high and outside...the catcher had to stand up to catch it...as i left the mound I heard the PA guy say something like..."let's hear it for Jim Shea, gee you'd never guess he was a band wuss would you?"
Look for my book "Confessions of a Band Wuss"...once I write it that is...for now you'll have to settle for the Teddy Kennedy memoir, "True Compass"...they plan on cranking out only 1,000 copies....all leather bound....all electronically signed...for a cost of....gasp...$1,000...but it does come with a lapdance and a bottle of Cutty Sark
Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of JFK Jr's plane crash...maybe you can't remember exactly where you were when you heard the news on this one but I sure can...I was on an all day job interview that was so painful I thought I was on candid camera...read on...
I took a 6am flight to a nice sized city (not gonna say which one, what's the point) to meet with this lady who was the Program Director...she shows up a half hourlate at the airport and tells me she's gonna put me on the air for a live audition...and in the course of this surprise airshift at a station I just walked into, news of JFK Jr. breaks...I stay with it and deliver an amazing performance...from there we go to a station event where I lug things and hang banners...from there to the hotel where they don't have my reservation, so I call this woman trying to straighten it out and I fall asleep by the pool on a 100 degree day...when I finally get my room its dirty...I take a quick shower before going to dinner with the big boss...we arrive for dinner about 6 and we stay there more than 4 hours....and the big boss is an insufferable bragger who wants to know nothing about me and says little about the job, just endless talk about his house and dogs and snooty hobbies...and by 10 I mean they're putting chairs up on tables trying to kick us out...they are all like, how bout a nightcap? At this point I've had enough and just yawn and politely beg to go back to the hotel...they are stunned at my rudeness....I fly back home and call about a couple days later, just to say thanks and what's up...the lady Program Director has been fired....whaaaaaa?..."um soooo...did I get the job? click...hello hello?"
I saw a B&W photo of a college age Sonya Sotomayor and you know what?...she looks like Ugly Betty...which is not a bad thing...I saw this story on CNN about how she was going to Princeton and freaked out because of a cricket in her dorm room...even insisting her then boyfriend and future husband deal with it...me and Stew did an on air dramatization where he played Sonia and I played the boyfriend comforting her, telling her it wasn't a cricket, but a cockroach instead...we may get e-mails
July 14, 2009
Remember when we did that phone poll a little while back about what's the greatest suburb and people in Batavia made the phones explode?...well Money Magazine heard you...Batavia makes #56 on their list of the 100 greatest places to live...they say despite being 35 miles from Chicago, Batavia has "an old time feel"...I confess I've never had an old time feel in Batavia, but I'm sure its real...and its spectacular
There's an amazing piece of street art at the corner of 18th and State...its a portrait of Michael Jordan dunking and its made entirely out of 19,000 Gatorade bottles...kind of like one of those card sections at the football game, every bottle has to be in place...Miller Beer was so impressed they now plan to use 19,000 bottles of Miller Genuine Draft to make a portrait of Gary Busey taking a whiz
How many guys do you know who got a 200 percent raise this year?...they're easy to spot, they look like they just took Viagra...but there aren't many....Ryan Seacrest has joined that club, going from $5 mil last year to host American Idol to $15 mil to host this year...meanwhile Ryan Theriot of the Cubs continues to post Hall O Fame numeros (well he'd have to keep it up for a looong time) .299 7HR 30RBI at the break...and he makes a measly $500,000...he was overheard saying, forget this, I'm gonna be all gay and stuff and say..."coming up....after the break"
The 31 Bypass will finally become reality, thanks to the new Quinn funding bill...I'm thinking it'll be done by like, ohhh maybe 2029...and yes, we'll pay more for license plates etc. , but jobs will be created and the tea bag people (remember the tax tea party?) seem happy, so I guess I'm happy...it will be nice to see that hellish 31and 62 intersection relieved a bit...the old plan was to give everybody who got heart palpitations from going down 31 a medical card good for one free bypass
July 13, 2009
More good times last night with all the members of The Ides of March last night at Fiesta Days in McHenry...you may think you know how good this band is, but until you see them live with the horn section and everything, you have no idea...I listened back to the tape of Friday's acoustic set at the Arcedium Coffee House in St. Charles...I love Jimmy's line about not ever being up early because at 6am they are the Buckinghams, and then they blossom into the Ides...then he went d'oh when he realized Carl was probably listening
One story I did not get to at the Arcedium was on the front page of Friday's USA Today...a group of Pentagon medical advisers is setting its sights on a "tobacco free military"....my first question would be, of course, "are you nuts?"...they say they did a study and realized how much money they could save on VA benefits if they banned tobacco...see? when they cut military spending, they never cut spending on Haliburton, they cut benefits for the average soldier...oh and have you noticed how the government that stands for freedom is constantly taking rights away? especially from the very people who are fighting for freedom?...I don't think smoking is good, but it is legal, and in Iraq it could keep you alive...ban tobacco? good luck pal...I'll bet not one of these advisers has ever been shot at, or had to stay awake on guard duty...next they'll ban swearing in the military, you watch...they'll come up with a swearing "safe list" of curses...Fudge, Jeepers, Heck, Shoot, Cripes, Consarnit, and Breasts
Matt Drufke was back in his usual Monday morning spot...Matt also made it out to the Arcedium on Friday...we talked a bit about La Toya Jackson telling the British press that Michael was murdered...although she had no real case against anyone...I said let's play a little game called "Guess The Next Story in the Michael Jackson News Cycle"...my pick: Michael Seen Walking Around At Alsip Cemetery
A Lake In The Hills Man has to give up his pet Lemur because the town council said so...the Lemur is two feet tall, is warm and furry, eats bugs and is named Ringo...I asked about the nose, just to make sure it wasn't, like, the real Ringo
July 10, 2009
Did you ever feel like you were simply flying? I mean several feet off of the ground, right?...This is the feeling I got this morning as we did the whole show live from the Arcedium Coffee House in St. Charles...Thanks first of all to Dennis and Celeste for being great hosts and giving everybody free coffee...and special thanks to Scott, Larry, Bob, and Jimmy from The Ides of March for a great live set...thanks to Matt Drufke for being so funny...thanks to Mayor Don Dewitt who gave me the key to the city...thanks to our sponsors Zimmerman Ford Lincoln Mercury, McDowell Remodeling, and the Downtown St. Charles Partnership...and thanks to all of you for coming out...and for those of you who couldn't make it, we'll see you next time...or maybe at the Ides show on Sunday evening at Fiesta Days at Peterson Park in McHenry
July 9, 2009
Lisa Madigan will not run for Gov after all...shocking as that news was, I found her plans even more shocking: training for the Iditarod with Sarah Palin
The other thing on the front page this morning is a horrible story about graves being robbed, bodies being placed into a mass grave, and the original gravesites resold at the Burr Oak cemetery in Alsip...I'm frankly surprised this type of thing doesn't happen more....Emmett Till is buried there, as is bluesman Willie Dixon....neither grave was disturbed, but Willie was said to be rotating...in fact he's working on a new tune, the "I Got the Low Down Dirty Grave Robbin Rotatin Casket Blues"
My founder has a first name, its D-E-A-D....Oscar Meyer...THE Oscar Meyer is dead at age 95...this is a man who brought his meat to the people...his wife called him exceptionally gifted....as a tribute, stand up comics plan to fly their wieners at half mast
Stew had a story about a US Senator from NY with a bird brained scheme to give parents $500 just for having a kid...of course the parents have to pay a matching $500...got it? So he says that in 18 years at a thousand dollars a year you'll have 29 thou...I'm not sure how he came up with that...not many investments pay like 80 percent long term...but anyhoo, he says he's trying to get people to save...believe me, the only way to save is to NOT have a kid...and what about people too old to have a kid? Do we get $500 just for trying?...how about every time Georgiann pours a glass of wine and lights candles in the bathroom? 500 bucks...how about it?
July 8, 2009
Big happy fun show this morning with Dan from Wheaton as our intern for a day...Dan has been a fan of the show since very early on...in fact he reminded me that he first connected with us 3 years ago when he responded to my very emotional tribute to Kenosha broadcasting legend irene Burry Nelson (a lady I worked with who was killed in a car crash at like age 80)...I like to call Dan the social conscience of the show because he has sent me more e-mails than anyone else...if something is good, I hear about it...if something is not so good, I hear about it...so now, since he's on the air, everyone can critique him
We talked a lot about the Michael Jackson memorial service...I really like the tone of it...very dignified....weird to have it at 1pm on a Tuesday...I watched it at the gym...the saddest moment came when 11 year old Paris Katherine Jackson gave her 15 second teary speech
Al Sharpton said Michael was the greatest performer ever....if you ask Michael Jackson, he might not totally agree...I went back and dug up a clip of Michael at James Brown's funeral...he said JB was the inspiration for everything he did, and yes its a great bar room debate and yes there's bound to be some hyperbole in the wake of such a great loss, but i think you could make a strong case for James Brown as all time greatest performer...he came up in a much less welcoming era and broke unimaginable ground...put it this way, I never really wanted to be Michael....James Brown? different story...I wished I had a thimble full of that man's soul...I remember seeing him sing "I'm so super bad I wanna kiss myself"..the only time I've ever wanted to kiss myself was after an insect bite
The wife of the guy who was about to take over Britain's foreign intelligence blew his cover by posting sensitive info on her Facebook page...."what did you do today honey?"...."spied on a buch of guys"...."oh how nice, I'll put that on Facebook!"...intern for a day Dan might be considered a typical listener: 2.3 hernias, prostate the size of Missouri...but he does do Facebook....no Twitter...Stew does Drunk Twitter.
July 7, 2009
The London Daily Mirror reports that because the police still need it to figure out some stuff, Michael Jackson will be buried without his brain...he will instead be buried with Nipsey Russell's brain...we heard from Nipsey Russell's brain this morning and we were in luck...it was busy roasting Don Rickles..."Don I wanted to write you a song tonight, but the piano keys didn't go that low"
Joyce DeWitt got picked up for DUI over the weekend in El Segundo CA...seeing the mugshot was like seeing an old classmate...you get that sinking feeling of...oooh lordy is that? it is...smile now smile and and tell her she looks great...same Three's Company hairdo...black tank top...you expected a cigarette with two inches of hot ash on it and bare feet, but the shot didn't go down that far...she claimed she only had 3 Natural Lights at the Regal Beagle
We played a lot of Jackson 5 today and why not...the Michael Jackson memorial service is today at one...this is being called the Princess Diana of America...Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, John Mayer, Lionel Ritchie will be there...but don't look for Quincy Jones, Liz Taylor or Debbie Rowe
My first World Premier Exclusive today on the show...Scott May from the Ides of March called to talk about a brand new all original album available now for download at theidesofmarch.com...I played Keep Rockin'...I gotta tell you, 45 years together, but these guys have never sounded better...big weekend coming up for the Ides...Saturday at Railroad Days in West Chicago and Sunday at Fiesta Days in McHenry...oh and don't forget, a special visit and accoustic set live on the air Friday morning from the Arcedium Coffee House in St. Charles...free coffee too...we're doing the whole show live on location so come on and hang with us
July 6, 2009
Everybody knows that when you have some news you want shoved under the carpet, you make the announcement the Friday before a holiday weekend...so Sarah Palin announces Friday she's quitting as Alaska governor...all the talking heads over the weekend agree that its a transparent step in the eventual run for president, but is it a bad step?...Karl Rove and George Will think so...I say this is not Miss Alaska...I mean you can't just hand the sash to the runner up and go for Miss Universe...you risk some nasty attack ads come 2012, but oh well...oh and did you hear me make my announcement on Friday morning? Of course not, you were sleeping...let's just say that no matter what you dig up in my medical history, I have only one set of genetalia now and let's just move on
Michael Jackson may be laid to rest in an actual graveyard...sources have confirmed that the family is "working with" the people at Forest Lawn...they have two locations in LA...one in Hollywood and one in Glendale...Humphrey Bogart and Jean Harlow are two examples of stars resting there whose crypts are behind locked doors...this would be a must for Michael...and is it me, or is CNN All Michael All the Time?...last night i saw Larry King being led around Neverland by Jermaine...Larry was exited at first to meet Bubbles, then disappointed when he learned Bubbles was a chimp and not a retired stripper
I was flipping through the channels on Sat. and stumbled upon a soccer game on ESPN...my jaw dropped as I read the craw at the bottom of the screen...former Titan's quarterback Steve McNair found shot dead in Nashville...whaaaa?...I went to the so called "News Channels" for more...nada...the facts are these: McNair met this hot 20 year old woman at Dave & Busters, telling her he was divorcing his wife...she agreeed to start dating, even though there's been no court papers filed...a couple of nights ago she was arrested for DUI in a car he co-owns and the two of them were found shot to death Saturday in an apartment he co rents...I would go to CNN now for more, but I bet I'll see Nancy Grace moonwalking
More notable death...Robert McNamara, the defense secretary under both Kennedy and Johnson has died at age 93...he was the guy widely blamed for the Vietnam War...his numbers were always as rosy as possible, but the reality of the war proved to be political suicide for anyone involved...they didn't have 24 hour news networks then...if they had, they'd have been callling for his scalp...it wasn't like now where if you don't like the new Simpson's stamp you can demand the Postmaster General's head on a stick
July 2, 2009
A guy stripped naked on a flight from Charlotte to LA...they led him away wearing only handcuffs, and holding his tiny bag of peanuts
I played Phil Collins singing You Can't Hurry Love and then chatted with Stew about Michael Jackson's will this morning...it names his Mom Katherine (age 79) as guardian of his children, and if she is unable it names Diana Ross (age 65)...I'm not sure Michael understood the mission here...you're supposed to pick somebody young...if Diana Ross can't do it Phil Collins gets to look after the kids...followed by Celine Dion
Add Karl Malden to to the list on this two week feeding frenzy of celeb death...natural causes...he was 97...Oscar winner for On the Waterfront is 1954...Ebert's Sun Times column today recalls an interview he did with Malden wherein he revealed that when his priest character in that movie was getting hit by surprise by a full can of beer, the empty can didn't bounce right, so they had to use a full can...so to sell the scene he had to not flinch and look both surprised and ticked offf...check that scene sometime...its a gorgeous thing...here's to Karl Malden and here's to all of us who keep taking beer cans to the noggin' every day.at work..keep working it...keep selling it
Fred Vail was my guest this morning...Fred has a recording studio in Nashville now...back in the day he was closely associated with the Beach Boys...promoting their early shows...helping them produce....even managing their business affairs for a short time....Fred is always a fountain of great Beach Boys info, both past and present...he last saw Brian last fall when he played the Ryman in Nashville...we made tentative plans to get together when the Brian Wilson tour comes to Milwaukee in October...this morning we shared some great Beach Boy rarities and memories...more to come starting at 1 this afternoon...that's the kickoff of our big 4th of July Beach Boys weekend...enjoy
July 1, 2009
A public viewing is set for Neverland on Friday...I said before that if anybody should be put in a temperature controlled sarcophagus it should be Michael...the family is hinting at private, secret burial...good luck...I was reading aobut Lenin's body, which is still hanging in there like 85 years after his death...the only other notable guy they've preserved in this way is Ho Chi Minh...or "Uncle Ho"...funny, that's what my nieces call me
Michael Jackson now holds 9 of the top 10 spots on Billboard's Catalog Album chart...3 different Michael releases have sold over 100,000 copies this past week...the number one ITunes download in the US and UK is Man in the Mirror...Billie Jean is tops in France and Smooth Criminal is the top ITunes download in Sweeden...the only country lacking jacko fever at the moment is Japan, the only country whose ITunes data is monitored with no MJ selections in their top 10...they said they might reconsider if Michael were to come back from the dead, grow to skyscraper size and trample their cities while hapless millions flee
I have a possible Michael Jackson murder suspect...its that SC Governow Sanford...he iced Michael just so he'd get his name off the front page...but now he won't shut up and we're talking about him again...he's telling the whole story of how he met this Argentine woman in Uruguay in 2001, had coffee with her in 2004 in NYC and sensed an immediate connection...how the thing turned physical in 2008...how he paid cash for everything...this is all supposed to make him seem like a more sympathetic figure?...he should just shut up...I predict he will weather this storm, despite the fact that he's a family values Republican in the solid South...its just like Clinton, if you like his politics, you forgive, if you hate his politics you say off with his head...I just think his base is strong enough and this will go away..."I crossed some lines" he said...yep, tan lines
Did Jacko ever do it with a girl? Stew says no...so it truly was Neverland...I say yes, but with rubber gloves and welder's goggles
June 30, 2009
Too soon?...you know we're having an online contest to name the new McHenry County Frontier League baseball team...may I suggest Jackos?...I mean would that be mascot magic or what?...back in the the 80s the joke in Cleveland was, "what do the Indians and Michael Jackson have in common?"...they both wear one glove for no apparent reason...and you know what?...that joke still works
A woman accused of arson claimed she set the fire out of grief for Michael Jackson...huh?...why do people hear Dath Vader voices telling them do do bad things...why not good things?..."go to maaaaaaassss"...."tiiiithe"
The souvenier ticket or the refund?...that's the choice being offered by AEG, the promoter of Michael Jackson's London shows...if I paid the top price of $2,000, you can bet I'm going refund...if I got the nosebleeds for $105, maybe I take the ticket...great picture of Michael rehearsing on 6/23 on the cover of the Sun Times...some still pics at the Daily Mail website show Michael with that far away Paula Abdul look...another Sun Times article tells of scammers selling bogus Michael merchandise...all I can say is beware...I bought my Mom a fake Moonwalker...but boy could she work that thing...I said Mom, you are one smooth criminal
We had an idea...we wanted to bring the Morning Drive Show to you, live in person...I mean do the whole show on location...in a nice setting...just a few of our closest friends having coffee...so along comes the new Arcedium coffee house in St. Charles...they said sounds good, let's do it Friday July 10th...so then i'm thinking I want all of our close friends there...and that list starts with Jim and Scott and the guys from The Ides of March...and I'm also thinking this is perfect because they have shows the next day, July 11 in West Chicago and July 12 at Fiesta Days in McHenry...so I call Scott and he loves the idea...turs out some of the Ides guys live right close there in St. Charles...so he says barring a last minute booking, count on several members of the Ides to show up for coffee and possibly an informal jam...sound good to you?
Did you know Simon Cowell made $36 million to do Idol last season?...if he were an athelete, he'd be knocking on the Top 5, right behind Lebron James at $40 mil...he has one more year on his current deal, so they're trying to lock him in for 2011 and he's asking between $100 and $144 mil....what?...understand this would most likely put him above the top athelete, Tiger Woods ($110 mil)...oh and all the fringe things he's asking for are outrageous...for example in the new contract every third Tuesday furing the show an intern would sit in his chair next to Paula and be a total butt bag
June 29, 2009
A survey of 20,000 teens reveals that 15 percent of them feel they're going to die young...I always felt I was going to die young...and of course it never happened...one time when I was in high school and I walked on some fresh masonry my Dad had done it almost happened
I have heard some commentators start to say Michael Jackson died young, but they quickly add "relatively"...
Bill Zwecker reports in the Sun Times that the final rehearsal for the London shows ( in LA at the Staples Center) was videotaped and will be released as a DVD and CD, probably this fall, after the official tribute which will star a bunch of big names, the only only one that really struck me as odd was Bruce Springsteen...were he and Michael tight? I missed it if they were...this "last concert" video is great news for concert promoted AIG, which is now looking at refunding some $85 mil worth of tickets...no funeral arrangements yet...the family is getting a second autopsy done...but I still say that body will eventually find a permanent home at Neverland
Matt Drufke stopped in as usual on Monday morning to hash over the Michael thing, and also the Billy Mays thing...did you hear? Billy Mays got bonked on the head with some luggage as his plane landed and then woke up dead the next day...some Drufke family news too...Matt and company are headed to Springfield this weekend to see his father in law impersonate U. S. Grant alongside Gov Quinn...they will re-enact the Appomatox surreender wherein Grant gook Lee's sword and uttered the famous phrase, "Suck It Confederates!"
Shaumburg Village Manager Al Larson says the red light cameras at the intersection of Meachem and Woodfield have been a failure and they will be removed...98 percent of the $100 tickets were for not coming to a complete stop before turning right on red...he said they don't want people thinking that the minute people enter cook county their wallet has a bullseye on it...also, have you gotten that e-mail that says starting July first, if you get caught going even one mile over the 45mph speed limit in a construction zone in Illinois, you will be mailed a $1,000 ticket?...seems harsh, but I'm not in the mood to take chances...can you imagine the number of people wo would go to court with cheap tickets like that?...maybe they could kill two birds and let people audition for American Idol in traffic court..."the expressway to your heart"
June 26, 2009
This is big...John Lennon Big...Elvis Big...not many people could bump Farah Fawcett's death all the way to page 38 in the Sun Times...but Michael can and did
If you think about it...it all makes sense...Big Star Big Death...he was the perfect candidate...frail, sad, unhealthy...it is sad...the kid who could dance as easily as most people breathe...the black Donnie Osmond...is gone
We had an amazing tribute show this morning...jam packed with your reactions...Dorrice from Elgin called to say that whatever finanacial troubles Michael may have had they are over now...i'm just waiting for them to stuff him and mount him on the wall...considering the freak show nature of his late fame it makes sense...as Elvis proved, people are so crazy you can just put a mega star in the graveyard or somebody will dig you up...I predict they'll prop him up like a cigar store wooden Indian, throw a velvet rope around him and charge 10 bucks to gawk....move over Graceland, here comes Neverland
iIs also weird how i've been thinking about Michael lately...Jeff played The Girl is Mine, the Paul McCArtney duet yesterday at lunchtime and I heard it while I was driving along...I had thoughtful moment about how Michael might just be a basically nice guy who cares about kids and never harmed one...i guess we'll never really know...the fact is his lawyers knew there was a preponderance of evidence that he behaved inappropiately, so he paid off when he could and went to trial when he had to on the criminal counts of child molestation...and won...but who wants to win a child molestation case? uggh
I would just like to say right now that the one overlooked aspect of Michael Jackson's regal sized talent was his songwriting ability...he is in the Songwriter's Hall of Fame for a start...having written the title track to off The Wall as well as half the songs on the best selling album of all time, thriller...and what kind of song gets Bob Dylan, Quincy Jones, Cyndi Lauper,
Bruce Springsteen, Kenny Loggins, Kenny Rogers, Hall and Oates, Ray Charles, did i forget anybody? that's just from memory...what kind of song gets all those people and more in one studio at one time? The song he co-wrote with Lionel Ritchie, We Are The World
And not only did he bump Farah Fawcett...he bumped J. C. Hooke of the Cryan Shames...I had planned to have him on this morning but we just got too busy with Michael..i spoke with him yesterday and he clarified something we talked about yesterday (see below)...the Shames "reunion" concert tomorrow night in Downer's Grove will actually be James Fairs band the Jamez Band, featuring all surviving origninal members of the Cryan Shames,so you will hear the hits, but they may sound different...and great!
June 25, 2009
Roger Ebert is pumped about the surprise announcement yesterday, that the Oscar for Best Picture will have 10 nominees instead of 5...aren't they having a hard enogh time finding 5 good pictures?...anyhoo, along with this change comes word that the Oscar ceremony, moved a few years ago from Mid March to Mid February will now begin in Mid January and end in Mid February
Back in March, I think it was, I stumbled upon the letter from James Fairs, a Cryan Shames original member, who wrote Sugar and Spice and several other of this legenday Chicao band's greatest hits...the letter is posted on the band's official website...its an open letter to fans saying how up til now he has resisted the urge to look in the rear view mirror musically and do reunions, but he plans to make one exception between now and the year 2049...check out a FREE show with the Cryan Shames at the Fishel Park band shell in Downer's Grove this Saturday night...also on the bill, his latest band, the Jamez Band...you talk about once in a lifetime shows, this is it...Fishel Park is kon the Southwest side of the Main Street/Curtis Street intersection
I'm Regis Philbin...I'm your host...now let's all play....BIMBO CONFESSIONAL...first up, SC Governor Sanford, who yesterday admitted an affair with a woman in Argentina...part of the trouble he's in has to do with telling his staff he was headed for the ol' Apalachian Trail...maybe that was code, I dunno...all I'm saying is his bimbo confessional was one of your better ones, if only for the fact that he didn't parade the whole family out there...he stood alone, tearful at times....listing the people he hurt with the same lilting inflection..."...I hurt her (the bimbo), I hurt you all, I hurt my wife, I hurt my boys, I hurt friends like Tom Davis I hurt a lot of different folks"...."room service was lousy, I got a sunburn, I hurt my back, she does this little trick, I flipped out of bed..."
A Connecticut church is starting a firestorm of controversy among the gay community by offering "gay exkorcism", which is the same as regular exorcism except instead of pea soup you spit creme brulee
June 24, 2009
Anthony Abate, the off duty Chicago cop who beat a female bartender was given 2 years probabtion, but no jail time yesterday...he is guilty of a felony, which means no more gun and no more police job...I was thinking at first that the loss of his profession was enough, but Ed from Elgin (a cop) said lock him up...the judge quoted Animal House (seriously) at the sentencing..."drunk and stupid is no way to go through life"...actually the quote is "fat, drunk and stupid", and it all works here, but again, the judge was lenient, even during the burn
E Coli in Crystal Lake (EE-II-EE-II-O)...on what could be the hottest day of the year the lake is closed for swimming...Elaine called to wonder whether or not this weekend's Cardboard Cup Regatta might be in jeopardy...I assured her that we will get with our political cronies and grease their palms properly...meanwhile two words: hip waders
Dennis Graf, who heads up the Larkin Center in Elgin, called to say they are holding a rally today at 3 at the Center...its to protest this lack of a state budget that might cause massive cuts to social service providers...he rattled off a list of stats, the most ear popping of which was 400 battered women would be thrown onto the street in Elgin alone...similar numbers of severely mentally ill people would likewise have nowhere to go...many seniors would also not be able to stay in their homes...the three gentemen to contact in Springfield are Tim Schmitz, Mike Noland, and Keith Farnham....tell them you'd rather hear a list like "400 relatives of corrupt politicians will not be getting $97,000 a year jobs to sit on shovels"
A 26 year old woman in Grand Forks has pleaded guilty to child endangerment for breast feeding while drunk...does that impair your ability to sit there and let the kid go to town?...I gotta plead ignorance here...no experience with drunk breastfeeding...well maybe a little...actually my eyes did the feasting and I was at Hooters...I think Jeff Foxworthy has a new line..."if you have ever been too drunk to breastfeed, you just might be a Redneck"
June 23, 2009
North Chicago's Police Officer of the Year administered a beating to Waukegan's Chief of Police, in the bedroom of the Top Cop's ex wife, who the Waukegan Chief was seeing at the time...this sounds like an adult Dr. Seuss book...Top Cop Pops Cop On Top..."Pop Cop, Pop!"...Said Top Cop To Cop On Top, "Stop Cop Stop!!!!!!!!"...Cop On Top Won't Stop....Pop! Pop! Pop!
On a morning like this, temps in the 70s, no wind, golden sun, birds singing...its easy to see why ancient peoples would worship the sun...which is fine, but you can take the thing too far..."Father bless me for I have sinned, its been 156 days since I last applied sunblock..."
Kodachrome is officially toast...I've seen this coming for a few years now...fact is, nobody's taking film pics anymore...I love old technology, in fact until a few years ago I wasn't even doing film, I was hiring some guy to do oil paintings
Amy from Nasa Education Corporation (the people who help the veterans and do the soldier salutes that you hear) stopped in to be Intern For A Day and talk about the Main Street America benefit festival this weekend in Carptentervville...she had a lot of brilliant material and observations to bring to the show...like that Ryan O' Neill's plan to propose to the dying Farrah Fawcett is just living out the movie Love Story in real life...Amy also spotted a Sun times item about how Johnny Depp tipped $4,000 at Gibson's last week on a $4400 check (nearly 100 percent)...back in my drinking days I would occasionally tip 100 percent and then be disappointed that it didn't include a massage
We found out in the middle of the show that Ed McMahon died at age 86...we all did a sad eee-oooo
June 22, 2009
David Miscavige, the leader of Scientology hit people who worked for him, literally, according to Mike Rinder, who worked for him...it seems odd that the leader of a religion should be witch slapping anybody...I only know that Scientology was founded by L Ron Hubbard and that John Travolta and Tom Cruise are huge believers, but not much else, so I did a little digging and found the Scientologist theme song and played it...it was Laryy Moe and Curly singing La la...la la...la la la la
He might be our greatest living American composer...sure I know I might get some debate on that...but Brian Douglas Wilson turned 67 on Saturday...I did a mini-tribute this morning, playing Good Vibrations live in concert from 1973 and an alternate version of Don't Back Down...which is a bonus cut on the double disc Little Duece Coupe/All Summer Long release...Don't Back Down was the last song on the All Summer Long Album and significat in that thereafter, the battle was on for Brian to raise his game and do more than car songs and surf songs...he sought lyrical help and instrumental help to enrich the sound, but most importantly, he sought control of the music from his Dad, who represented that scary 20 foot wave in the song...this is a lesson to all creative people...Don't Back Down...don't compromise your thoughts or your vision
Mr. Monday Morning Matt Drufke stopped in to tell us about his weekend...he presided at a friend's wedding...you may know Matt is a certified ordained online minister...he says its easier than getting a Jewel Card...he does weddings, funerals and circumcisions, but only from the back of his van
Did you see any of that U. S. Open? Tiger got heckled at Bethpage...did you notice that course has an actual warning sign?...it basically says the course is for extemely skilled golfers and should not be attempted unless you've achieved a certain skill level...I've seen those types of signs on ski slopes, where you could actually become a Sonny Bono casualty, but do we really need them on a golf course where all that gets hurt is your feelings?...I mean balls will be lost, must they be busted too?
June 19, 2009
The Ricketts family is looking a little rickety...Sam Zell is now talking to two NYC investors (New York City?!!) about buying the devalued Cubs for $900 mil...Sun Times sources say Zell and the Ricketts are only $50 million apart on a deal, but it was bad form to go begging to Cusack, Murray and Belushi for that money...that is not how you do things...everybody knows you start an internet sports channel, hire Mike North, and turn the thing into a Ponzi scheme...duh!
It was a very warm and sometimes emotional show this morning as we talked about our Dads...I played many great Dad themed tunes, satrting with Papa Was A Rolling Stone by the Temptations...a reminder that for some, Dad is merely a rumor...hard to imagine...there was a brief time when my Dad was not there...in the summer of 1968, after months of tension with my Mom, he simply left...he came back toward that summer's end, looking skinny and sunburned...realizing that he wanted to keep what he had
My story stuck a nerve with several people...John from Marengo shared a story about how his Dad and Mom were separated for a brief time...his Dad went to Texas...John certainly was relating to the family where Mom and Dad are always fighting and the collateral damage that sometimes went with...I shared the "spaghetti story"...my Dad was so furious with my Mom he threw a fork at a dog we were dog sitting at the time...the fork slipped from his hand and hit the overhead chandalier...pieces of glass flew everywhere, even in our food...it was a very tense moment...and my Mom broke the tension with "well I'm too hungry" and proceeded to eat from her glass littered plate!!!!!!!!!!!...John says he never become a Dad, but has been blissfully married for 22 years...he has a dog, but he only throws steaks...despite all the fussing and fighting, I still want everyone to know I have nothing but love for my Dad and his memory
Char from Helping Paws stopped in (Joy had the day off) for her usual Friday visit, and shared the memory of her WWII verteran Dad...who owned a service station and worked day and night for his family....never showing much emotion...here was a guy with grease under his fingerfails who could work while eating a dripping tomato sandwich, who wasn't afraid to touch a car's computer like it was King Tut's Tomb or something...this is a guy who got it done...here's to all of our Dads..here's to all of the quiet working class heroes who in their blessed youth danced wildly to the big sounds of Goodman and Miller, punched holes in the sky and sent Hitler straight to hell...Happy Father's Day
June 18, 2009
Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee, have announced plans to separate...if you're keeping score at home, and I certainly hope you are, he was married 9 years to the decent, but not spectacular and somewhat older than him looking Elizabeth Weber for 9 years, but he had a shot at Christie Brinkley, and I dare say that is a trade up that 90 percent of men would have made, but that lasted only 9 years so wife number three had to be really young and hot and she is... they were married in 2004 when she was 23...she's a super hot tv food critic and he's a bald old man with a goatee, so you'd have to think she's the one who is feeling the need to move on...she broke the news gently though...she sent the Dos Equis beer guy to tell him "stay bald and stay thirsty my friend"
One of the guns that shot and killed John Dillinger is expected to fetch about $12,000 at auction and that seems like a deal to me...you can check out the gun at Shore Galleries on Devon in the city and find out more from Mary Williams at (312) 334-4326...the Chicago premiere of Public Enemies, Johnny Depp's much hyped portrayal of D-man is tonight at AMC River East theatres, and the national release date is July 1...did you ever hear that urban myth about Dillinger having a huge um, well, you know...its bunk...it was based on a bulge under the sheet as he was displayed at the morgue after he was gunned down in front of the Biograph theatre on Lincoln......turns out that was his arm...but still the huge rumor about Dillinger persists...in fact just the other day my wife said "hey were you just gunned down at the Biograph or are you just glad to see me?"
The University of Colorado has what they call "unambiguous" evidence that there was once a lake on Mars the size of Lake Champlain...increasing the likelihood that life did exist at some point there...would that be a mind blower if they found some fossils of Martians?...can you imagine?...so did they have their own Mars God or did they have our same God, right?...everybody would be like Darwin who?...add this lake bed discovery to what was believed to be ice crystals on the Mars probe a few years back...oh and don't forget about the "ICE" sign they found, and the "BAIT"sign...which is proof that there once was Redneck life on Mars
Yes there will be Frontier League baseball played in Woodstock in 2011...and the Northwwest Herald is having a name the team contest...my personal favorite is "McHenry County Potholes"...my short list also includes Barslugs, Coots, Prospectors, Hoes and Dweebs...Guy from Elgin called in and suggested Mc(Henry) Hammers...I said "hey Guy, 1991just called, they want thieir reference back"
June 17, 2009
Sammy Sosa is named in the NY Times as one of the players who tested positive for steroids in the voluntary "informational" and "confidential" testing back in 2003...Lou and Ozzie both say, let's have all those other names made public now and I agree...what's the point of keeping them secret?...and who really cares?...I'm not saying kids should be doing steroids, but as I've said before, when baseball had no rules regarding steroids, I'd have to question any player who didn't want to check them out...I mean, you put your health at risk in exchange for peak performance, although not the smartest long term plan, but that's dedication...I've often said that if there was a substance that could make me tell jokes so funny I could make your head blow up and it was legal I would do it, even if it compromised my health...I once believed alcohol was that magic potion, until I knew better...so Sammy Sosa used steroids! Oh my God!...this just in, Adam Lambert is Gay! Oh my God!
It turns out that there is little interest in a reality show where Chastity Bono becomes Chaz Bono...too bad, because I think like a radio cheapie and I would be looking to get the surgery for free just for mentioning the surgeon on the show...but then again maybe there aren't any surgeons who would do the job ....(wait for it)....Pro Bono
Bill Maher says David Letterman should not have had to kiss and make up with Sarah Palin over the A-Rod preggo daughter joke...Bill says it should be clear to anyone that he wasn't talking about the 14 year old daughter, but rather the 18 year old who had a very public pregnancy...didn't this happen before?...didn't Barack Obama say something about putting lipstick on a pig and Sarah Palin took exception?...you gotta watch what you say about this woman...don't call her a cotton pluckin, finger lickin, chicken plucker...and if you do, say it real slow
Its a little taste of Guantanamo...Chicago's long awaited American Idol auditions are this weekend at the United Center....registration is Saturday and Sunday and the actual auditions are Monday...I haven't heard anybody make mention of this, but it will be interesting to see whether or not Paula is there...if we do see her, we assume she figures in the coming season...you gotta be between the ages of 16 and 28, so if your kid is gonna go for it, let me know and we'll follow his or he progress...beware though, if they sing bad and don't cry enough, they make you sign a thing that alllows them to inject swine flu virus into your eyeball
June 16, 2009
There's a racy billboard in NYC's Soho neighborhood that's causing quite a stir...its called "threesome" and I think you get the picture, two shirtless guys in jeans and one girl with only underwear on...the reason I think is dangerous here ladies is that you never want to present a guy with a lovemaking scenario where some other guy does half the work...I mean where does it end? eventually your bedroom starts to look like city work crew, 9 guys smoking, leaning on shovels..."what's goin on here?"..."um somebody's making love to my wife, I dunno"
Sad loss...Bob Bogle, one of the founding members of The Ventures died Sunday at the age of 75...this was without a doubt the biggest instrumental band in the history of rock and roll..and what ever happened to instrumentals?...The Ventures did some great ones...Walk Don't Run and Hawaii Five O were among their best...here is a band that for years could not even buy a ticket to tour the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, despite the fact that they had a lot to do with the way early rock and roll sounded...along with the Dave Clark Five (another formerly painful omission) they were inducted in 2008
Tina Ausmus of Lakemoor has taken some old toilets and made them into planters, and that has her neighbors upset and the city threatening fines if they're not removed...so she's hired a lawyer...she says freedom of artistic expression is the issue here...I can see that, but this is a dangerous path...let's say along with these toilets you have Rodan's The Thinker statue out in the lawn too and you combine them...then you've got The Stinker
I saw this list of 5 Facebook No No's If You're Getting Divorced on Time.com...generally I'm not a big fan of these lists, because they always state the obvious...basically don't post any compromising party pics or flaunting wealth pics off both your page and others and don't argue the case in public, but the last item on the list I thought was valubable and smart...Don't Defriend Your Inlaws...and I think that's good general advice...My first wife and I got divorced with a lot of sadness on my part and we're still good friends...I went and visited her Mom when she was in the nursing home years after our divorce...also, when you click "Defriend", I'm not sure many people know this but, you take the person's face clean off
June 15, 2009
I had one little unpleasant duty this weekend...I took my Dad's old black and white tv out back and shot it...oh, I was humane, I gave it a blindfold and let it smoke a cigarette...I mean I didn't waterboard it or anything
We launched a new thing this morning...the Y103.9 Boogie Lounge...its taking at work time wasting to a whole new level...you become a Lounge Lizard by hanging out online with us and at the same time you earn points toward valuable rewards...in fact you may be earning points right now, just for reading this...check the main page of our site for all the details
Matt Drufke did his usual Monday morning pop in...we agreed that Six Flags Chapter 11 situation is mainly due to that creepy bald dancing guy in the Six Flags commercials..."more flags, more debt!"...Matt said you have a whole smorgassboard of possible cartoon mascots, and you go pick a guy you don't want near your kids...why not just make the mascot a nondescript van with a decal of a bloody axe on the side?
An umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected the whole crowd attending the game, about 100 people, for being unruly...can you do that?....the crowd got even...they went to a building supply store and bought a truckload of dirt which they dumped on the ump's shoes
June 12, 2009
I know I wasn't talking to too many people who plan on participating in the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event tonight at Elgin Community College...they have to be up all night tonight...I will be performing a few songs with cancer survivor Dave Perrin and his fine family group The Lennys tonight to kick off the festivities at 6...this is such a big occasion they might actually plug my keyboard in!!! Seriously, the guys are letting me do a brief tribute to my dear Mother whom I lost to cancer last year...it will be an evening of laughter and tears...and some real good tunes
She put the Oh No in Bono...early word is that mama Cher might be less than enthusiastic about daughter Chastity beccoming her son...to all trans gendered people and those who love them I say this...I cannot possibly imagine what your whole sexual journey has been like, but I'll bet it hasn't been easy...I say be happy...you will only get love and understanding from me...I have known a few male colleagues who have gone to the female side and truth?...my first reaction was scream and run through the glass...but all people just want to be respected, so you've got mine...I have never known a woman who came over to the male side of life...do you celebrate such a thing with a catered affair?...I could take the easy joke and say a bone-in ham would be mandatory, but I'm a bigger man than that
Stew almost made the front page of the Northwest Herald today, but just got cropped out of the shot...he was at the rally with all the people who provide social servies who are losing their state funding...one place that might close, Friendship House provides affordable day car for working Moms...you can always tell the affordable day care places, they don't have the cutesy names like Busy Beavers...actually, you know wat? that sounds more like a strip club..."hey now this is what I care day care!"
June 11, 2009
They don't allow wigs in California prisons...too bad for Phil Spector, the man with weird, and it turns out, fake, hair...I saw his prison mugshot with long hair in back and bald pate on Drudge Report and I didn't know who it was...at first I thought it was some genentic combo of Charlie Manson and John the Baptist
Since you all liked the one yesterday so well, I played another delightful Smothers Brothers clip this morning...this one was from their 1988 reunion show on CBS...the opening patter is classic, with Dick wanting to talk seriously and Tom busting in, leading an exasperated Dick to scold, "you haven't done one responsible thing tonight"...Tom sez, "right now, I'm wearing a condom"...Dick sez, "that's the exact type of comment thaqt got us fired"...and they proceed to show a montage of great moments from the show...oh, and if you want to see the Smothers Brothers in concert, the closest they'll be coming any time soon is at Wisconsin Dells, the Crystal Grand Music Theatre Friday July 24th
Oh that kooky Reverend Jeremiah Wright...he's still saying goofy stuf,f but this time he has no chance of wrecking anybody's presidential hopes, so i'm not sure how big a story this is, but...talking to a Virginia Beach VA newspaper he was commenting on not having had any recent contact with President Obama he said..."them Jews aren't going to let him talk to me, I told my baby daughter they'll let him talk to me in five years whe he's a lame duck or in 8 years when he's out of office"...so I thought I would give the White House a ring and say I was Reverend Wright, just to see if "them Jews" would thwart my efforts and sure enough, they answered, "L'Chaim and Mazeltoff Public Relations, how may I direct your call?"..."President Obama is in a meeting um, wait a minute is this Reverned Wright? I told you to call back in 5 years when he's a lame duck!" click....so who was I to doubt him?...and some of you are now saying the call was staged and the guy on the phone sounded exactly like me...I am issuing categoric denials on my new Hallmark Categoric Denials Care Bears napkins
Dave Letterman admits he was in bad taste the other night when he said Sarah Palin's daughter was at Yankee Stadium and got knocked up by Alex Rodriguez...he wanted everyone to know that he was not taking aim at the 14 year old, but rather the 18 year old who had those well publicized pregnancy troubles...its just a good excuse to look at the delightful collection of Sarah Palin pics when you google her name and click images...I've noticed that when you look at some babe's collection of pics (with moderate safe search on of course!) at the bottom of the page they say something like, if you liked drooling over Adrienne Barbeau you'll also enjoy...Madonna, Bette Midler and Joan Jett...but for Sarah Palin they don't do that...they should say, If you enjoyed Sarah Palin, you'll also enjoy Joe Biden, Mitt Romney....oh and once I looked at Rosie O' Donnel's page of pics and they were all like, if you enjoyed these, you'll also enjoy, Mel Brooks and Jobba the Hut
June 10, 2009
Guy from Elgin sat in once again as intern for the day...this is his 4th visit, making him the Steve Martin of the Morning Drive Show...we talked Cubs and how they don't have the same good vibe they had last year...for me it all went South the minute they offered $15 mil to a guy who has never played more than 100 games in a single season...nothing against Milton Bradley because you know what a great influence he is in the clubhouse (roll eyes now)...I think there must be a Cubbie law that you must have at least one buttbag in the outfield at all times
Speaking of Tribune Company, they now say the creditors may take control of the company away from Captain Ahab aka Sam Zell...this would be like the bank taking control of the family budget...buy enough toasters and get a A FREE TOASTER!
i played the brilliiant My Old Man clip from the Smothers Brothers...they start singing happily about how tom wants to be just like his Dad when he grows up and then Tom says "My old man's a Negro", and the fun gets started, eventually he says "My old man wears a bra"...this was edgy stuff for 1968...the third and final season is out now on dvd...seasons one and two have yet to be released...I guess they figure its best to start with this politically charged season that often got them censored and eventually cancelled, despite good ratings...among the delights are a young Kenny Rogers and a young Steve Martin, who was one of the writers
Have you seen Patti Blago on this stupid jungle show?...the other night I was flipping past it and stopped during one of her
pitiful solioquies about how rough they have it and she was griping about driving a 21 year old car like it was a death sentence...and the thing is every knucklehead pseudo celeb on that show listens sympathetically...nobody contests anything she says...she could say her kids worked as sweat laborers in a tuna cannery with bloody fingers and they'd be all like whoa that's rough...well Michael Sneed in the Sun Times did some diggin and found out that the Blagos have exactly zero cars registered in their names...also there is no 21 year old car registered in the name of her dad Dick Mell...what if the whole 21 year old car thin is baloney?...shoulda gone with the tuna cannery kiddo
We lost a friend yesterday in Crystal Lake...Viking Dodge sold the last of its cars...now the question, what is that disgruntled guy who thought he got a lemon who parks across the street with his little mini protest gonna do now?...its a shame to see a business and loyal advertiser like that go away...Jim Samaras, who ran the dealership said he wasn't costing the company any money, just moving theri cars and parts...so I don't get it...when Crysler and Fiat merge, will they not need dealers?...I've never bought an Italian car so I don't know, is the dealership more of a bistro setting with a checkered table cloth, and do you order an antipasto before the test drive, followed by a nice chianti?
June 9, 2009
They started tearing Tiger Stadium down in Detroit yesterday...it had been sitting there vacant for almost 10 years, the last major league game having been played there in 1999...preservation groups just didn't have the funds to restore it and turn it into some kind of museum...MLB or the Tigers should have stepped in and helped but oh well...how much was that stadium loved?...remember Ron LeFlore? the kid who was in and out of jail his whole life and become a major leaguer?...he attemded the closing ceremonies in 1999, knowing full well that there was an oustanding warrant for his arrest...after the cermonies they put the cuffs on him, but he showed up anyway...so Tiger Stadium is gone and the first liquor store ron LeFlore ever held up is probably still sitting there vacant
They will soon have a home baby gender test kit, available over the counter...you'll be able to tell as early as 10 weeks...the Ol' Prospector called to say Adam Lambert's parents are still awaiting their results
I will not say he invented Rock and Roll, but his technical innovations with the electric guitar helped make it sound sweeter...Les Paul turns 94 today...he's still performing...I played a clip of Les and Mary Ford performing "How High the Moon" on a black and white tv show in 1953...other 90 plus celebs are Art Linkletter (coots say the darndest things) 97 in July, Karl Malden 97, Harry Morgan (Potter on MASH) 94, Ernest Borgnine 92, Pylis Diller 92 in July, and Mitch Miller 98 in July...I don't think ol' Mitch's ball is bouncing too high these days, its just kind of hanging there
There's a girl in Britain who turns 3 years old tis summer and she's got an IQ of 160, which puts her on a level with Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking...I hate those tests...after you take it, they call you names...for real...look at the chart...if you score below a certain number you're a Moron...below that its Idiot, then Buttbag, then Pauly Shore
June 8, 2009
Bret Michaels of Poison (you know, the guy with the reality show where 16 tatooed stripper hoes are climbing all over each other trying to make out with him) injured himself last night at the Tony Awards...he was performing with the cast of the musical Rock of Ages, then while exiting the stage he ran into a piece of scenery and almost broke his nose...16 gay guys starting climbing all over each other tring to kiss his nose, but he says his nose is very much in love, and not ready for a committed relationship
Leo Hickman, a Burger King franchisee with about 40 restaurants in Tennessee has posted a sign outside various Burger Kings that reads GLOBAL WARMING IS BALONEY....it turns out this is not the official Burger King corporate position...they issued the following statement..."the earth is being flame broiled in its own juices to seal in all the flavor...we are losing the ozone YOUR way..."
Matt Drufke did the usual Monday pop in along with fellow comic Eric Rezendez...we were talking about that puzzling David Carradine death...I asked Eric if he ever indulged in the rope around the junk and he said no, not for fun, but he did once do a monster truck pull with the junk
I came this close to picking the Trifecta in the Belmont...I had 1. Dunkirk 2. Summer Bird 3. Mine That Bird...it turned out Summer Nird was first and Dunkirk was second, so I missed it by like half a lengh...I bet 10 virtual dollars at home...I would guess my Trifecta would have paid a hundred at least on a two dollar ticket, so it would have been like $500...I tried to convey to Georgiann how amazing it was to come so slose to a Trifecta in a Triple Crown race, but she was fairly unimpressed...she was rooting for Calvin Burrell to win all three races, which he didn't, but if he had they'd have fed him oats and put him out to stud
June 5, 2009
Gay Male Penguins Raise Chick...great headline in today's Sun Times...it turns out this happy, stable penguin couple have incubated an egg abandoned by its biological penguin parents at a zoo in Germany...I have like absolutely no penguin gaydar...when I was in third grade they showed us some penguins....they said they were roomates and business parnters...they ran a flower shop together...I had like no clue
The sad, weird death of David Carradine...(John was his father, Keith was his half brother)...this is the KUng Fu guy...found hanging in a Bankok hotel room...so immediately you think suicide...but then he was bound in certain, let's just say, erotic ways and you wonder if this was some eroitc thing gone awry...he sure had an interesting career...he was Bill in the Kill Bill flicks....and an interesting personal life...he had a son with Barbara Hershey...wow...they named him Free Carradine, and he later changed it to Tom...good call
Today's Blow Yer Mind Stat....USA Today reports one in every 6 dollars (16.2% of all personal income) comes from either a governement check or voucher...we're talking Social Security, Food Stamps etc...and as you know out government is heavily in debt to China...I don't want to say its getting bad but the other day I got a ten dollar bill with a fortune on the back...
they say that by the year 2036 one in every six dollars will be an actual egg roll
Tony LaRussa is suing Twitter...he says some impostor was Tweeting on his behalf, and making rude comments about dead Cardinal pitchers...niiiice...was it always like this?...did people send prank telegraphs?...when Hoss Cartright was carrying on a long distance relationship with a bar belle in San Francisco, did he send her a casual Pony Express, "um what are ya wearin/"" and three months later did he get the reply "silk pantaloons" which was actually written by a surly bartender?
June 4 ,2009
Had a great time with Intern For The Day Keith Ongman from Harvard...remember Keith? He's the guy who bought my 1988 BMW for 700 bucks a few weeks ago...we hit it off instantly...Keith's has relatable stories about talking to teenage kids, like when as a parent you have to say no and the kid wants to make a deal...Keith's stock line in that situation was, "what do I look like, Monty Hall?"...and here he thought it was an excellent burn, until one day his son asked who Monty Hall was...ouch
Coors/Miller (oh yeah right they merged) has announced plans to drop the very funny "protection" ad campaign for Miller Light...Frank Vincent from the Sporanos is one of the actors in the commercials, wherein some goombahs try to shake down a store clerk and he's clueless...anti-defamation groups said they would boycott Miller and; that's all it took...Frank says lighten up and grow a sense of humor...I'd have to agree...I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of the average Italian American, wondering how offended I might be if let's say, way back when, the Bugs Moran gang had done a number on Capone's boys in that garage on St. Valentine's Day...they'd be making jokes about breaking kneecaps with good ol' Louis ville Slugger Shilelaghs...and I'd be fine with that
Intern For The Day Keith also brought along a delightful pair of recent Harvard High graduates who are visiting courtesy of American Field Service (AFS)...Thomas from Belgium and Ingville from Norway...Thomas sent a text to his dad in Belgium saying he was on the radio and shomehow he got the idea that there was some medical issue, because he was thinking radiology...so the dad calls up and we have a brief and touching father son reunion on the air as I assure him that his son is fine and there was no prank intened and then proceeded to ask him if he could send the bail money right away
Ingville from Norway sang an awesome original song that she plans to perform at the Harvard Milk Days talent show...having these young people in studio reminded me of my AFS experience...I spent the summer of 74 in Brazil...it was a warm and wonderful world of parents who served beer to kids who never drove anywhere and people who stopped dancing only long enough to play soccer and newspapers that said that Nixon had resigned but in Portuguese it all seemed so unreal...if you'd like to spend a year with an actual good student under your roof (kidding-that's was Keith's line) call AFS at (815) 943-4862...you'll love it!
June 3, 2009
Had a great time last night moonlighting as a rock star with The Lennys at Big Sammy's Hot Dogs in Elgin...we played a dinner time set to raise money for founder Dave Perrin's Relay For Life team...it was drizzling as we set up, so we took it inside and played an almost accoustic set...this was my first public performance with the group, and I soon realized that keyboard players are the benchwarmers of rock and roll...it reminded me of high school, when I would get to play basketball for 50 seconds if we were up by 20 or down by 20...last night I played a total of 4 songs...but now, as then, you gotta be ready when the coach calls for Oh Bla Di Oh Bla Dah (big piano tune)...it was A BLAST...and the guys sounded great...catch us again at Big Sammy's next Tuesday, June 9, and at the Realy for Life in Elgin June 12
We had one of our best Interns For a Day ever...Greg Bettis came in from Marengo and spent some quality time this morning...I met Greg at Menard's over Memorial Day weekend...he is a music and sports freak, he's our age and still single after all these years, goes to 15 Cubs games a year and plays softball a couple nights a week in the summer...Greg showed up with a handful of old Chicago radio music surveys and some great tunes on CD...he even turned me on to a Forgotten 45 I had never heard...a band from Zion of all places, called The Shoes called Too Late...great job Greg!
American Idol will be having Chicago auditions this summer for the first time since 2005....no date yet, most likely August...if your kid plans on doing this, would you let me know, so I can follow their progress?...I need a first hand account of human rights conditions at these things...I've heard that Holocaust people in boxcars get better treatment
Ooo and speaking of that...Susan Boyle may miss her summer tour after being admitted for "exhaustion", and Britain's Minister of Culture wants to know if she was mistreated somehow on or off camera by the producers of Britain's Got Talent...it amazes me that the government would get involved in the case of some abused reality show contestant...a possibly guilt ridden Simon Cowell is footting the bill for her course of treatment...the bad news is they're feeding her tarantulas and filming it
Patty Blago offered to give some money from her reality show to pediadtric cancer program affiliated with Children's Memorial Hospital, the same place that hubby Blago might have tried to shake down, threatening to withold state funding, forcing them to make a big campaign contribution, according to a federal lawsuit...so they said no thanks...so instead she goes and gives the money to Hair Club For Men
June 2, 2009
Conan's first Tonight Show? Brilliant, of course...starting with his "to do" list before kicking off the new show...last on the list was "move to LA"...so he does a cross country "oh crap" journey, running and swimming...many great lines, some from Will Ferrell...my favorite Conan line of the night was something about watching Johnny Carson as a kid and saying this is what I want to do for a living, and right now there's some kid watching, saying to himself, "what is wrong with that guy's hair?"
The Beatles have a new video game due out Sept. 9th (the same date their entire remastered catalog debuts)...Paul and Ringo were on hand yesterday at the Microsoft trade show to unveil it, along with George's widow Olivia and Yoko...interesting that Yoko was there because she actually appears in the video game as a sort of Asian version of The 'Noid, the gremlin who messes up the pizzas in the Dominos commercial..the object is to beat Yoko with a bong...as you play the game you get progressively more buzzed, and when you are so high that you think Linda McCartney is actually singing on key, the game is lost
The first episode of Get Me Out Of Here, I'm A Celebrity...was less than stellar...Patti Blago did eat a tarantula, calling the flavor "musty" and "yeasty"...she also almost got swept away by river current and had a chance to argue her hubby's innocence...one rather unpleasant moment had American Idol reject Sanjaya saying she didn't need a bathing suit top because she didn't have much up there...she countered with, "you're wearin' pants aintcha?""...actually that last part I made up, but it might have spiced things up a bit
Well the New York Post has a story saying exactly what we said yesterday, that the Eminem "butt" stunt was staged...they quote an "industry insider" who was sitting several rows away at the time who said Eminem was wearing a mike...my dead giveaway was that Sasha was wearing that butt protector paper you find in the stall
June 1, 2009
Would you believe I've seen a few concerts in my life?...surely hundreds...thousands maybe....the John Fogerty show at The Venue Horseshoe Casino Hannomd on Saturday night was in my top 10 all time...for real...you may think you know how good a guitarist he is, but believe me, you have no idea...and the voice is still there...and he looks great....and he's 64 for cryin' out loud...and he changes guitars on every song...on the way to the show I had the 6 remastered Creedence albums in my car on shuffle...it randomly played Chooglin', Ramble Tamble, and Midnight Special...and all three get played at the show!!!...and he played all the Creedence hits and some amazing new stuff, and his classic solo stuff like Centerfield, played with a guitar that looks like a bat....and he rocked solid for almost 2 1/2 hours... again, he's 64...I don't want to hear anybody who's like 50 carping about aches and pains today...talk to the bat
Susan Boyle is now in an instiution, recovering from a total breakdown after having lost Britain's Got Talent, coming in second to a dance troup...look for Susan to play herself on an upcoming episode of Ugly Betty...says Susan, "I'm no stunner, but I'm better looking than Betty"...um, I dunno, gentlemen, if you saw ol' Suze comin' at you in a teddy, I think "stunner" might describe it
Local comic Matt Drufke joined us on the phone this morning...I shared a story about relaxing at home over the weekend with Georgiann...I was reading USA Today and saw a story about a guy who bought a $232 million dollar winning lottery ticket in a South Dakota town called Winner...I was reading this story to Georgiann and added that the guy planned to spend some of his winnings in a town called Siphilus...and (crickets)....no reaction...so I asked Matt if that ever happens to him with his wife and he said oh yeah, all the time...so I suggested that we should be married to each other and he said let's get a time machine and head for California 18 months ago
That stunt on MTV's movie awards last night where that Sasha Baron Cohen, now playing an Austrian gay guy, Bruno, wearing angel wings, gets dropped into the lap of Eminem in the crowd with his butt exposed and right in Eminem's face....that HAD to have been staged and Eminem HAD to have been in on the joke, although he acted like he wasn't...he stormed off and demanded an RC Cola, since he'd already had a moonpietest
